Venting I hate the NHS and myself

[masquerade]

I don't really know how to start this, but six years ago I was groomed online and it was a pretty bad case, left me with a lot of trauma, and gender dysphoria trying to find myself again after everything happened. Back then I tried to run away and CTB, but I was a bit too vocal about my plans venting to a random girl from my class about everything and my houss phone got called. My dad picked it up and then a few seconds later he's shouting at me because I wanted to kill myself, no remorse, no sympathy, no understanding, nothing. Just shouting from him, and then I was dragged away for a little bit and questioned by the police, because they showed up to the house.

Fast forward a little bit, College starts (last 2 years of K12 for Americans) and I wanted to use a preferred name because of the dysphoria. Got laughed at by my mum and shouted at more by my dad, and my new name was constantly mocked by them.

This whole time, I wanted to be on hormones, and about 9 months ago, I finally got DIY hormones, legally grey, but it was working. All of my depression was gone, I finally felt happy in six years.

Also the whole time I was on the NHS waiting list for hormones, and I'm probably not seeing my turn on it. I fucking hate this country.

6 months later, it gets contaminated by a septic issue in my home basically getting the stench of shit everywhere, including where they were stored. Can't use them anymore, and the dysphorias gotten 10x worse.


It feels like fate and my parents just want me to die, twice now I've tried to get help for myself, and all I've got is pushbacks. Those hormones where the reason I didn't kill myself, and while I'm here struggling, hanging on by literally only my girlfriend now, everyone I know whose trans is getting hormones. It's honestly a joke, and I say it's a joke, but I'm literally about to crack.

I don't know what to do anymore, sorry if this is all over the place.

 

[Shroomsonmyhead]

Reading this post was really brutal. I wish I had something to add, but I honestly don't.

I'm not personally trans, but a lot of my friends have been, and threads like this always fill me with a kind of seething disgust that I have trouble even putting into words.

I hope things improve for you this year, even if only a little.

 

[masquerade]

Reading this post was really brutal. I wish I had something to add, but I honestly don't.

I'm not personally trans, but a lot of my friends have been, and threads like this always fill me with a kind of seething disgust that I have trouble even putting into words.

I hope things improve for you this year, even if only a little.

I honestly wish things would improve, but there's only so much hope and wishing one can do before they run out of it unfortunately.

After that entire situation with the police I had a mental health counsellor, and he spent our sessions talking about his kids, so that really shows you how much people care :)

This forum is honestly more supportive than anyone I've spoken to irl

 

[Shroomsonmyhead]

I honestly wish things would improve, but there's only so much hope and wishing one can do before they run out of it unfortunately.

After that entire situation with the police I had a mental health counsellor, and he spent our sessions talking about his kids, so that really shows you how much people care :)

This forum is honestly more supportive than anyone I've spoken to irl

Same for me. I think that there's a hard limit on how supportive people can be when they aren't in a similar position to you, which is why I find that SS is often such a pleasant place to coexist.

Everyone here is on their own sinking ship, occasionally waving to each other as they periodically bail out the water. There is something deeply 'human' about that (imo, anyway)

My last therapist spent most of our final session talking about her kids, I really feel for you on that one ahaha

 

[cantThinkOfName]

I wish I could say something to make it better but I'm not doing great myself. Still, I hope by some miracle things get better for you if not for us all. : )

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Fuck the NHS!

 

[JoysoftheEmptiness]

Don't hate yourself, but feel free to hate the NHS, that is shit.

 

[cme-dme]

I have never heard a single good thing about the NHS from any of my UK friends. Direct all the hate you're feeling towards yourself towards the NHS instead because they deserve it more than you ever could.

 

[onlyway96]

It's such a shame so many people are failed by the NHS I'm sorry you're feeling so hopeless. The NHS has been intentionally run into the ground for the last 10+ years to allow for the back door privatisation which is happening already. Healthcare won't be free for much longer in the UK and more people are going to die.
Hold your girlfriend tight and try to cherish the moments of peace you can bring each other, nothing that has happened is your fault. Sending lots of love x