ProfessionalFailure
Member
- Feb 19, 2021
- 6
Im far too reserved and concerned over the people I care about to ever come close to vocalizing any of this, and im pretty sure my intense happiness over getting to see the people I care about be genuinely happy and have such a future to look forward to is one of the only reasons im holding on at all, but I hate that theres hints of frustration over knowing I wont have that
Ideally someone should know theyre justified in wanting to be happy, but those thoughts fundamentally make me feel sick, maybe its because it makes me anxious thinking those thoughts originate from some subconscious want to steal their happiness because as far as im concerned thats something a bad person would want and I clearly have to be a bad person or maybe its just an attempt to convince myself further that I cant work towards being happy so that I can keep being lazy regardless of the consequences it has on my life
I truly dont know, but I just wish at times I had the strength to just cut myself off from the potiental window to have those thoughts, that maybe if I just cut off all my ties to the people I care about proactively ahead of time id get more relief knowing I wouldnt have any way to worry over others happiness and my reactions to it, but people are the only source of joy I can find consistently in this endless cycle of wearing myself down until theres nothing left
Ideally someone should know theyre justified in wanting to be happy, but those thoughts fundamentally make me feel sick, maybe its because it makes me anxious thinking those thoughts originate from some subconscious want to steal their happiness because as far as im concerned thats something a bad person would want and I clearly have to be a bad person or maybe its just an attempt to convince myself further that I cant work towards being happy so that I can keep being lazy regardless of the consequences it has on my life
I truly dont know, but I just wish at times I had the strength to just cut myself off from the potiental window to have those thoughts, that maybe if I just cut off all my ties to the people I care about proactively ahead of time id get more relief knowing I wouldnt have any way to worry over others happiness and my reactions to it, but people are the only source of joy I can find consistently in this endless cycle of wearing myself down until theres nothing left