Venting I hate that being taken advantage of helps me survive

[ArchmagePrincess]

It feels like since I was born I needed to let some cruel person with more resources and power than me take advantage of me, in various forms, in order to survive. It feels inescapable. As a kid I had to let my abusive parents sexually assault me and berate me and do it with a smile or else I'd be kicked out or given even worse treatment. When I left them I had to do the same for my partner I moved in with, and even now with my jobs I have to let my disrespectful bosses and a plethora of cruel customers walk all over me in order to keep my job. Standing up for myself is something I've always wanted to do but doing so would always result in me becoming homeless. I find myself rationing out my physical and mental well being and trading them for money to buy food and shelter. Basically in order to survive I need to become someone's punching bag, and I've long been at the point it's not worth going through just to survive. Yet circumstances or survival instincts coerce me into just pushing on longer for no reason. It's frustrating.

 

[yyytry]

Stand up for yourself.
Don't let them steal your spirit for small amounts of money.

 

[ArchmagePrincess]

Stand up for yourself.
Don't let them steal your spirit for small amounts of money.

And just be homeless then?

 

[yyytry]

And just be homeless then?

I'm considering it myself.
I'm in a similar abusive dynamic. Trapped in a house of abusers. In the past, struggled with the good ol' boys at work. Tired of the world wanting to step all over me because I'm small and sensitive.

Something's gotta give.

 

[ArchmagePrincess]

I'm considering it myself.
I'm in a similar abusive dynamic. Trapped in a house of abusers. In the past, struggled with the good ol' boys at work. Tired of the world wanting to step all over me because I'm small and sensitive.

Something's gotta give.

Damn brutal way to live, sorry. Relate to the feeling of choosing between homelessness and domestic abuse, and honestly I'm scared of being homeless but I know I can't stand to live this way for much longer. Rock and a hard place.

 

[yyytry]

Damn brutal way to live, sorry. Relate to the feeling of choosing between homelessness and domestic abuse, and honestly I'm scared of being homeless but I know I can't stand to live this way for much longer. Rock and a hard place.

You know your situation best. It sounds horrific and makes me wish to see you fight back. Because I want to fight back against the psychological abuse in my situation.

I hope you can feel better or find a path soon.

 

[wait.what]

It sounds like you live in the U.S. What a nightmare this place is.

I'm not suggesting there's anything ok about being forced to choose between domestic abuse and homelessness. There's not. That's totally fucked up. I'm just putting this out there because it might aid in decision-making.

I do know women who have spent time homeless and come out the other side. Referencing women because that's what you appear to be, and because the risks are different for female homeless people. Obviously, what you really want to be able to avoid is ending up with yet another abusive "protector" who will force you into sex work or carrying their drugs around.

The women I know who are still on their feet a few years after a period of homelessness pretty much all either connected with social service programs of one type or another, or else they met someone who gave them somewhere to stay and the means to sort things out. These women all have above-average people and communication skills, which helped them make use of opportunities when they presented themselves. Formal education is helpful, but they didn't all have it. However, they were (and are) people who could walk up to a stranger and ask, "How do I survive here? How does this place work? What's the first thing I need to know? What's the second thing?" (Probably not those literal words, obv.) They're also all people who are comfortable setting boundaries. They'll tell you unequivocally what is and isn't ok with them. They can negotiate and think on their feet.

I considered leaving home for the streets as a teenager, but I possessed none of the above qualities, and wouldn't have made it 2 nights. I was timid and trusting and obedient, so you can imagine how that would have gone. I probably have the skill set now, but no longer the basic physical resilience. Homelessness isn't a realistic option for me, so if I were ever forced back into an abusive domestic situation, it would be ctb time for sure. Others might be able to make it through a homeless period and come out ok, though.

Also: One other thing that's immensely useful if you're homeless is to have a car to live in. Cops routinely break up tent cities and throw away the belongings of everybody in them. Sometimes shelters are viable options and sometimes they're not. A car keeps you out of the weather and lets you move on in the event of police harassment.

 

[ArchmagePrincess]

You know your situation best. It sounds horrific and makes me wish to see you fight back. Because I want to fight back against the psychological abuse in my situation.

I hope you can feel better or find a path soon.

I wish you the best in finding a way out of your abuse as well. Thank you.

It sounds like you live in the U.S. What a nightmare this place is.

I'm not suggesting there's anything ok about being forced to choose between domestic abuse and homelessness. There's not. That's totally fucked up. I'm just putting this out there because it might aid in decision-making.

I do know women who have spent time homeless and come out the other side. Referencing women because that's what you appear to be, and because the risks are different for female homeless people. Obviously, what you really want to be able to avoid is ending up with yet another abusive "protector" who will force you into sex work or carrying their drugs around.

The women I know who are still on their feet a few years after a period of homelessness pretty much all either connected with social service programs of one type or another, or else they met someone who gave them somewhere to stay and the means to sort things out. These women all have above-average people and communication skills, which helped them make use of opportunities when they presented themselves. Formal education is helpful, but they didn't all have it. However, they were (and are) people who could walk up to a stranger and ask, "How do I survive here? How does this place work? What's the first thing I need to know? What's the second thing?" (Probably not those literal words, obv.) They're also all people who are comfortable setting boundaries. They'll tell you unequivocally what is and isn't ok with them. They can negotiate and think on their feet.

I considered leaving home for the streets as a teenager, but I possessed none of the above qualities, and wouldn't have made it 2 nights. I was timid and trusting and obedient, so you can imagine how that would have gone. I probably have the skill set now, but no longer the basic physical resilience. Homelessness isn't a realistic option for me, so if I were ever forced back into an abusive domestic situation, it would be ctb time for sure. Others might be able to make it through a homeless period and come out ok, though.

Also: One other thing that's immensely useful if you're homeless is to have a car to live in. Cops routinely break up tent cities and throw away the belongings of everybody in them. Sometimes shelters are viable options and sometimes they're not. A car keeps you out of the weather and lets you move on in the event of police harassment.

Unfortunately no car no license, and honestly while I think I'm pretty charismatic and likeable a lifetime of abuse has shown me I'm still that timid and trusting little girl I was as a kid even if my pride thinks I'm not. Losing my belongings is a big fear of mine and I really doubt I'd be able to protect them while being homeless. As silly as it sounds I have some comfort items like stuffed animals I don't think I could bare losing to the police or general wear and tear from just being homeless. Thanks for the advice, but yeah I think I'm in a similar boat where homelessness just isn't an option so I either get abused for who knows how long (if this nightmare ever ends) or just CTB. Sure can't beat living in the land of the free.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I am so very sorry you've had to take this abuse your whole life. You don't deserve it, nobody does. Having been in your situation, the only way that enabled me to get out so to speak was finding others whom I could trust, and building upon those relationships to gain stable housing, albeit very uncomfortable for me because I am autistic. Which is far easier said than done, I had to live in a roach infested studio sleeping on a mattress on the floor, couldn't sleep because my fear and nightmares were so bad. If you can find another job, I think that would help massively.

You don't have to tell your boss that you're looking for another job and risk losing it, they don't have to know if you're doing other interviews or applications. You don't even have to give them advance notice if you need to leave ASAP, that's just a courtesy. When a work environment is so abusive, you have to try to get out of there or else it poisons everything else, being frequently screamed at by bosses and customers takes a large toll on you and impacts a person so badly in the long run.

If you're working retail, it's going to wear you down to take this abuse. Desk jobs or positions where you aren't facing the public might be a welcome change. Even if it's just one person who is stympathic and understanding, it'll make a world of difference for you to be out of that awful environment. No one should have to put themselves through abusive shit day in and day out just to survive

 

[Forever Sleep]

I had a friend who's Mum was battered by her husband. She grew up to marry someone just the same and suffered horrendous domestic violence. I don't know- it's so sad- patterns seem to repeat in life. Maybe we seek out what we're familiar with. I also have this awful suspicion that people internalise all this shit to the point they think it's what they deserve.

The fact that a part of you wants to fight back has to be good though. Can I ask- have you ever had any therapy? I think it would be possible- at least at work to start showing a bit more grit. Not that you need to be rude but you must have colleagues there who stick up for themselves? Maybe watch how they do it and try starting to be more assertive. Think there are even courses in assertiveness- might be worth a shot. It won't be easy but it might help you in the long run.

I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine how you survived even your childhood. Just know- none of this is your fault but sadly- it will have to be you that mends all the stuff others have inflicted on you. I'm angry for you. I hate the way people prey on others and get away with it. I wish you all the best.

 

[ArchmagePrincess]

New job would certainly help but without a vehicle and my small town has no public transportation let a lone many jobs to choose from. I agree working retail is killing me but I don't know how to get a job that treats me better since I walk everywhere and don't have a degree.

I had a friend who's Mum was battered by her husband. She grew up to marry someone just the same and suffered horrendous domestic violence. I don't know- it's so sad- patterns seem to repeat in life. Maybe we seek out what we're familiar with. I also have this awful suspicion that people internalise all this shit to the point they think it's what they deserve.

The fact that a part of you wants to fight back has to be good though. Can I ask- have you ever had any therapy? I think it would be possible- at least at work to start showing a bit more grit. Not that you need to be rude but you must have colleagues there who stick up for themselves? Maybe watch how they do it and try starting to be more assertive. Think there are even courses in assertiveness- might be worth a shot. It won't be easy but it might help you in the long run.

I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine how you survived even your childhood. Just know- none of this is your fault but sadly- it will have to be you that mends all the stuff others have inflicted on you. I'm angry for you. I hate the way people prey on others and get away with it. I wish you all the best.

I've had therapy but I found it more patronizing than helpful. CBT and DBT reminded me more of my previous gaslighting than any kind of healing, EMDR was okay but could no longer afford sessions, and the most "sticking up for themselves" I've seen colleagues do at these sorts of jobs is talk bad about customers/managers behind their backs or just strait up quitting. The work culture for these low-wage jobs is take the emotional abuse or get fired. I've gotten in trouble for talking back to customers even if they're just walked up to me and called me a slur for no reason.