![scarlet-pixie](/data/avatars/l/92/92669.jpg?1715101335)
scarlet-pixie
1/12/2024
- Apr 30, 2024
- 14
Idk. I've been hurting and hurting and hurting for years now, but even with everything thats happening its like. I'm not suffering, not that much, not every single waking moment of my life is utter pain. I just feel hollow and empty, like I just don't have any real motivation to live and exist at all yet at the same time nothings really drawing me to die either.
I made my first and so far only attempt years ago, I tried overdosing on my anti-depressants, freaked out about it, we called the poison hotline and it turned out I hadn't even swallowed a lethal dose. I didnt even have to go to the hospital or anything.
I bought a knife for myself last Sunday because I wanted to cut, not just bite myself or hit me with random kitchen implements, I want to feel the skin tear open and the blood spill. I haven't used it yet, its still in the packaging I bought it in. Hell, even now that i've actually set a date for myself, I choose to put it at the very end of the year....
I hate myself. I feel utterly pathetic. It's like, no matter what horrors I seem to experience none of it ever crosses the line into abject trauma and I just end up in this limbo state where I suffer, yet no one around me considers it enough to be worth helping me and therefore will never fucking do shit about it. I wish something greater would just come along already and turn my life into an absolute nightmare, that way my brain can finally just end it already.
I made my first and so far only attempt years ago, I tried overdosing on my anti-depressants, freaked out about it, we called the poison hotline and it turned out I hadn't even swallowed a lethal dose. I didnt even have to go to the hospital or anything.
I bought a knife for myself last Sunday because I wanted to cut, not just bite myself or hit me with random kitchen implements, I want to feel the skin tear open and the blood spill. I haven't used it yet, its still in the packaging I bought it in. Hell, even now that i've actually set a date for myself, I choose to put it at the very end of the year....
I hate myself. I feel utterly pathetic. It's like, no matter what horrors I seem to experience none of it ever crosses the line into abject trauma and I just end up in this limbo state where I suffer, yet no one around me considers it enough to be worth helping me and therefore will never fucking do shit about it. I wish something greater would just come along already and turn my life into an absolute nightmare, that way my brain can finally just end it already.