UtopianSoliloquies
Act 3 Scene 1
- Jan 21, 2023
- 62
Of all the complaints one could have about being suicidal, I imagine receiving unwanted pity is probably relatively low on the list of pressing matters. Nevertheless, I find that I respond with an uncharacteristic amount of hostility whenever I receive pity from someone who doesn't understand anything even adjacent to suicidal ideation. One of my first experiences with this was with my mother from a few years ago when I was still in high school. She was informed of the situation by my school counsellor whom I had turned to out of desperation. For context, my mother works in a prominent hospital in the area and therefore has encountered numerous people of my ilk though she and I are not particularly close. At first, I was relieved that her response was generally sympathetic and not as hostile as I thought it would be— though I soon found that I hated the pity she had for me more than any show of contempt I had experienced prior. I'm not sure why, but it just feels so damn dehumanizing to be treated as if I need to be constantly checked up on, to have my feelings euphemistically referred to as "those thoughts that you have" and to be spoken to in a tone of voice that is otherwise reserved for wounded animals. Even if it may be the case, I hate being constantly monitored as if every walk I decide to go on might actually be a trip to a forest with a tank of nitrogen gas in tow. I hate being treated this way, and I often respond with irritation and hostility that only seems to reinforce their infantilizing views of me. Sometimes I muse about killing myself just to spite the people who show me concern in this way. I know that the people who speak to me with such pity necessarily care about me to a meaningful extent as they certainly would not put up with my hostility towards them otherwise, which only makes me feel worse about the way in which I respond. Frankly, I feel quite childish for even writing this. I am, after all, literally complaining that some people who care about me express that in a way which I do not like. Even so, being treated this way has stripped my sense of agency and individuality in a way that I don't think anything else has done so far, and it ironically reduces me to feeling as if my desire to CTB is the sole thing that defines my very limited time on this earth.
PS: this is my first post here and I feel like I wasn't completely able to express what I was trying to get at but I just really wanted to say something about this anyway
PS: this is my first post here and I feel like I wasn't completely able to express what I was trying to get at but I just really wanted to say something about this anyway