Venting I hate people sometimes

[ashfall]

I really really hate people sometimes. I know mentally I'm unwell, I've tried so hard to get better. I'm on antidepressants and antianxiety meds though they honestly don't do much. I'm in therapy. I've reached out to my parents to explain how I feel and how I've thought about ctb. Less than 20 minutes ago, my dad, who I trusted and confided in about my issues, made a joke about "how I'm threatening to hurt myself over nothing" in front of my siblings who don't know. He doesn't seem to understand that it was wrong and private and completely inappropriate. Now I'm terrified this isn't the first time and he has told other people. I feel so betrayed and alone right now. I know he's anti-choice but I thought he understood how much I'm struggling with depression and anxiety. It took me a very very long time to open up about my intrusive thoughts and I thought I could trust him. I'm still in shock that he would just joke about it and dismiss everything like that. I have never wanted to ctb so much right now but I still don't have any SN. I know I shouldn't ctb when I'm emotional so its probably for the best but god I hate people sometimes. I have issues with excessive paranoia and this is literally my fears confirmed. I'm so tired of everything right now.

Sorry rant over. I'm just feeling very alone right now. Has anyone else here been through something similar?

 

[Meditation guide]

I feel bad for you but your father is just being like most people and not acting appropriately about it. That's why this site is so valuable. It's the only place I've found to discuss this. Don't trust anyone else to understand.

Parents don't handle this well. He shouldn't have told anyone what you told him in confidence. It comes as a deep shock and sadness to know you can't confide in him and I'm so sorry you had this happen.

 

[Z-bar]

I confided in the one family member that I always confided in, about my urges to CTB that haven't subsided over time, That concerned family member told other family members, and because this person was also letting me stay in their home the other family members thought I was manipulating emotionally so I would continue to have somewhere safe to live,
I have since moved out and been homeless but never got that bad taste out of my mouth. I also lost the trust in being able to confide in family. Attention is not what I was looking for.
The public as a whole only respects when you've already made an attempt. I have signed myself into psych wards and been brutally honest about my feelings and ideation and two days later because I'm not freaking out yelling or being combative I'm shoved back into the street, no help.
It's fucking sad.
I'm sorry your dad did you like that. Maybe he doesn't know how deep the rabbit hole really is. Or he's like people I've come across, there's this false premise that if you were serious you wouldn't be talking about it. You'd do it.
But I know the pain of recognizing where you are headed prematurely and so you try to reach out hoping something might help you change your mind. Getting laughed at won't help. I hope you find peace either way.
This is not a choice to be made impulsively imo. You did the right thing.
Just know we know where you are coming from

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

I'm sorry this happened to you. I understand firsthand what it's like to take that (scary) step to finally trust someone and open up to them about something very sensitive and difficult to share, whether it pertaining to ctb or otherwise. For your dad to both make a joke about your struggle and situation and share it with others was so wrong...he minimized it and is thoughtless and unfair. But like Meditationguide said, parents don't handle the ctb issue well and perhaps his making a joke like that is his (not right or fair or appropriate) way of making a situation he doesn't have the tools to accept or understand less 'real', or easier for him to handle. Maybe he felt if he treated it less seriously, the true seriousness of it feels less daunting to him. But his doing that was at the expense of losing your trust, and again - what he did was wrong and I'm so sorry it happened to you. It's already difficult enough to trust when you deal with depression/anxiety/mental illness and feelings of wanting to ctb, but now he's destroyed any line of communication between he and you. I get how that feeds the paranoia you already have but I hope you'll know that there ARE trustworthy people out there who will keep your confidence and though it will be hard, that you'll open again to talk to someone else if you ever feel the inclination. That a parent betrayed your trust though, that's especially hard. i had that happen with my mother when I confided in her...

 

[ashfall]

I feel bad for you but your father is just being like most people and not acting appropriately about it. That's why this site is so valuable. It's the only place I've found to discuss this. Don't trust anyone else to understand.

Parents don't handle this well. He shouldn't have told anyone what you told him in confidence. It comes as a deep shock and sadness to know you can't confide in him and I'm so sorry you had this happen.

Thank you. I'm still in shock at the moment to be honest. Reaching out and being honest to him was one of the hardest things I've ever done and I still can't believe he just threw it back in my face like that. My siblings haven't said anything to me and I hate that they know now.

I'm so glad I found this place though. I feel less alone now.

I confided in the one family member that I always confided in, about my urges to CTB that haven't subsided over time, That concerned family member told other family members, and because this person was also letting me stay in their home the other family members thought I was manipulating emotionally so I would continue to have somewhere safe to live,
I have since moved out and been homeless but never got that bad taste out of my mouth. I also lost the trust in being able to confide in family. Attention is not what I was looking for.
The public as a whole only respects when you've already made an attempt. I have signed myself into psych wards and been brutally honest about my feelings and ideation and two days later because I'm not freaking out yelling or being combative I'm shoved back into the street, no help.
It's fucking sad.
I'm sorry your dad did you like that. Maybe he doesn't know how deep the rabbit hole really is. Or he's like people I've come across, there's this false premise that if you were serious you wouldn't be talking about it. You'd do it.
But I know the pain of recognizing where you are headed prematurely and so you try to reach out hoping something might help you change your mind. Getting laughed at won't help. I hope you find peace either way.
This is not a choice to be made impulsively imo. You did the right thing.
Just know we know where you are coming from

Thank you for this and I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. It sounds horrific. I hate people who act like those who haven't made an attempt but talk about being suicidal aren't serious. I know that I'm mentally not in a good place, I know wanting to kill myself isn't right and I'm trying to get help. Being self-aware and honest doesn't make me less suicidal. Pretending it does is the exact opposite of helpful. Thank you so much for reaching out.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I understand firsthand what it's like to take that (scary) step to finally trust someone and open up to them about something very sensitive and difficult to share, whether it pertaining to ctb or otherwise. For your dad to both make a joke about your struggle and situation and share it with others was so wrong...he minimized it and is thoughtless and unfair. But like Meditationguide said, parents don't handle the ctb issue well and perhaps his making a joke like that is his (not right or fair or appropriate) way of making a situation he doesn't have the tools to accept or understand less 'real', or easier for him to handle. Maybe he felt if he treated it less seriously, the true seriousness of it feels less daunting to him. But his doing that was at the expense of losing your trust, and again - what he did was wrong and I'm so sorry it happened to you. It's already difficult enough to trust when you deal with depression/anxiety/mental illness and feelings of wanting to ctb, but now he's destroyed any line of communication between he and you. I get how that feeds the paranoia you already have but I hope you'll know that there ARE trustworthy people out there who will keep your confidence and though it will be hard, that you'll open again to talk to someone else if you ever feel the inclination. That a parent betrayed your trust though, that's especially hard. i had that happen with my mother when I confided in her...

Thank you for your reply. My dad was one of the handful of people I was pushing myself to try get better for. I know he'll be devasted if/when I ctb. Maybe I'll feel differently when the shock wears off but right now I feel like I can never trust him again after this. I know this sounds dramatic but it feels like he's turned from one of the few people keeping me alive to yet another thing pushing me to end it. I'm so so tired of everything. I'm so so sorry you had to go through something similar. It really is heartbreaking. Thank you for making me feel less alone.

 

[Parn]

My father absolutely despises seeing me down. He yells at me everytime to just "lighten the fuck up", so i just fake it whenever i'm around him.

 

[orange]

Symptoms of mental illness are funny to people. It's disturbing, but true.

 

[ExitiumVitae]

I know I'm not the only one who got the typical ''I'm here for you'' from others and we all know this isn't genuine 90% of the time. The world is a desolate place, people want to give off the impression that help and comfort is around the corner, but I personally had to walk on eggshells confiding in people because no one cares enough to even keep a secret.

 

[tearsontoast]

I am sorry this happened to you. I had similar experiences, and they also made me think CTB as a way to revenge and guilt people who hurt me. Looking back now, I just feel there are more effective and satisfying ways to revenge than CTB. Just my experience.