Venting I Hate Myself

[nzdarkshark]

I hate myself. More than I hate anything else.
I hate how I walk the line between wanting to ctb and recover.
I hate how I push the few real life friends I have away, and barely talk to my online ones.
I hate how I can't have a nice conversation with someone - it'll always come back to me.
I hate how I'm needy and a financial burden.
I hate how I can't ctb because every method is either too expensive, my parents are wary of me receiving packages, I can't drive or it just doesn't work for me.
Sometimes I hate myself so much I want to disappear.

 

[azucaramargo]

I hate myself. More than I hate anything else.
I hate how I walk the line between wanting to ctb and recover.
I hate how I push the few real life friends I have away, and barely talk to my online ones.
I hate how I can't have a nice conversation with someone - it'll always come back to me.
I hate how I'm needy and a financial burden.
I hate how I can't ctb because every method is either too expensive, my parents are wary of me receiving packages, I can't drive or it just doesn't work for me.
Sometimes I hate myself so much I want to disappear.

Oh Dear Kiwi, I'm so sorry you are in pain! I think your parents are awesome. They really love you, and they aren't stupid, which is excellent. Please don't feel bad about walking the line, as you so eloquently wrote...you are human and I don't think one person on this site is 100% committed to one thing all the time. You're not a burden, and you're not needy. You're a wonderful, human kiwi.

 

[Baskol1]

I hate myself. More than I hate anything else.
I hate how I walk the line between wanting to ctb and recover.
I hate how I push the few real life friends I have away, and barely talk to my online ones.
I hate how I can't have a nice conversation with someone - it'll always come back to me.
I hate how I'm needy and a financial burden.
I hate how I can't ctb because every method is either too expensive, my parents are wary of me receiving packages, I can't drive or it just doesn't work for me.
Sometimes I hate myself so much I want to disappear.

There is no reason to hate yourself.

 

[nzdarkshark]

I just can't stand to see my own reflection. My own body.
I feel like I'm not a good person, that I don't deserve the love I'm given.
There are people on this site that deserve that love more than me.

 

[Baskol1]

I just can't stand to see my own reflection. My own body.
I feel like I'm not a good person, that I don't deserve the love I'm given.
There are people on this site that deserve that love more than me.

Why do you hate your own body? Are you overweight, or why?

 

[nzdarkshark]

Why do you hate your own body? Are you overweight, or why?

I just feel repulsed everytime I look at myself. I have gender dysphoria and hate it because nothing in my life can be simple.

 

[Baskol1]

I just feel repulsed everytime I look at myself. I have gender dysphoria and hate it because nothing in my life can be simple.

So youre transgender? And your body, male or female?

 

[nzdarkshark]

So youre transgender? And your body, male or female?

I identify as non binary trans, I was assigned female at birth.
I'm suppose to start gender counciling in a month but I feel like it won't change anything because the process is so long and I already want to die.

 

[Baskol1]

I identify as non binary trans, I was assigned female at birth.
I'm suppose to start gender counciling in a month but I feel like it won't change anything because the process is so long and I already want to die.

I would suggest to wait. Suicide should always be the last option.

 

[nzdarkshark]

I would suggest to wait. Suicide should always be the last option.

I don't know if I want to wait - the counciler doesn't seem in any rush to see me and nothing would change for at least 2 years and I've suffered for so many years already.

 

[Baskol1]

I don't know if I want to wait - the counciler doesn't seem in any rush to see me and nothing would change for at least 2 years and I've suffered for so many years already.

Its your decision.

 

[nzdarkshark]

Its your decision.

I don't have any way to go anyway, I know rushing things isnt a good idea.

 

[Kyrok]

Stop caring about yourself.
I've kept my self-hatred in check by living a life for the sake of others.
not selfless, but occupied with tasks involving other people: e.g. helping to prevent public housing authorities from evicting residents, helping people with medical issues find help, etc.
Keeping busy with other people's struggles helps.

 

[Beautifulletdown]

I hate myself. More than I hate anything else.
I hate how I walk the line between wanting to ctb and recover.
I hate how I push the few real life friends I have away, and barely talk to my online ones.
I hate how I can't have a nice conversation with someone - it'll always come back to me.
I hate how I'm needy and a financial burden.
I hate how I can't ctb because every method is either too expensive, my parents are wary of me receiving packages, I can't drive or it just doesn't work for me.
Sometimes I hate myself so much I want to disappear.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way or feel this way at all. I can so relate to what you're say. You do deserve love so much love. In the end ultimately it's your decision but try the counseling. Maybe being who you want to be will make a world of difference. It's just my two cents. I'm here if you want to talk. Be well.