L
lugerepair
I don't like life
- Oct 15, 2020
- 165
God. I'm so tired. Sometimes I get tired and then I can't tell people how I feel about them anymore. Sometimes I panic, sometimes I overthink. Sometimes it's too difficult to say "I care about you" to another human being. And then I feel like I've ruined something. But maybe it's all in my head.
I don't know what's all in my head and what's real anymore. Not in a psychotic way. In a neurotic way. I don't know where my reality ends and my neuroses begin. Or where reality ends and my mental disorder begins. I'm hurting. Far too much.
I'm hurting far too much to be able to consider things with any sort of sense of perspective. I don't want to be this person.
I tried to practice some sort of mindfulness exercise just now. Noticing my body only makes me notice how much I'm hurting.
In other news, some asshole professor was a dick to me today.
If I don't succeed in getting these educational credentials, and getting a job in the field afterward, I think I might be done for. I think I might actually have to kill myself.
If the world wasn't so shit, I wouldn't need to kill myself.
But society won't give me a decent life unless I work at a job that fucks up my mental health....and that's not a decent life. Society won't give me a decent life. It could, if the people in it collectively gave a fuck about people like me. But they don't.
I don't know what's all in my head and what's real anymore. Not in a psychotic way. In a neurotic way. I don't know where my reality ends and my neuroses begin. Or where reality ends and my mental disorder begins. I'm hurting. Far too much.
I'm hurting far too much to be able to consider things with any sort of sense of perspective. I don't want to be this person.
I tried to practice some sort of mindfulness exercise just now. Noticing my body only makes me notice how much I'm hurting.
In other news, some asshole professor was a dick to me today.
If I don't succeed in getting these educational credentials, and getting a job in the field afterward, I think I might be done for. I think I might actually have to kill myself.
If the world wasn't so shit, I wouldn't need to kill myself.
But society won't give me a decent life unless I work at a job that fucks up my mental health....and that's not a decent life. Society won't give me a decent life. It could, if the people in it collectively gave a fuck about people like me. But they don't.