afraid
I might just be able to feel pain the last time
- Aug 4, 2023
- 20
I obviously can't say such things at work but i just need a place to write down my emotions.
I seriously hate my work. I have absolutely no idea why but all i know is that I'm willing to ctb before going to work. Only thing keeping me from doing is the fact that it's not permanent, in fact I'm leaving that place in 3 days (and also the fact i haven't planned anything so i can't risk doing anything to end up in a hospital). So why tf am i even writing this? Shouldn't i be glad that I'll leave the place and just suck it up and work for the last 3 days? Fuck if I'd know why i am like this I'd be very happy. After those 3 days i no longer have a job, no income, nothing. I have pets to keep alive. I simply cannot think about what's going to happen next. I'm pretty sure I'll just die when things start to get bad. The only time i feel like i can manage life is when I'm drunk. That's the time when i can talk to people, feel like myself (aside from barely being conscious) and do stuff. I can also only fall asleep when im drunk. I am not someone who wakes up early but I'm having so hard time to keep myself asleep so whenever i first open my eyes is when I'm awake. The second i wake up i think if today is the day that i have enough courage to end it. I wake up in fear, pain in heart from nightmares (my nightmares being, being alive) and intense stress and anxiety. I have so much physical and mental pain. And to imagine that last year i was planning on getting better. I was actually getting better now that i think of if. Therapist's ruined my life, i wish i never went there. Just hearing one more time that what i was doing is not enough was enough for me to stop trying. I've tried all my life to be enough only to be told that I'm worthless. All the memories came back and I'm too weak to fight it. You can't be depressed at 12. Well i hope that i am the right age now to be depressed. Sorry for the long post.
I seriously hate my work. I have absolutely no idea why but all i know is that I'm willing to ctb before going to work. Only thing keeping me from doing is the fact that it's not permanent, in fact I'm leaving that place in 3 days (and also the fact i haven't planned anything so i can't risk doing anything to end up in a hospital). So why tf am i even writing this? Shouldn't i be glad that I'll leave the place and just suck it up and work for the last 3 days? Fuck if I'd know why i am like this I'd be very happy. After those 3 days i no longer have a job, no income, nothing. I have pets to keep alive. I simply cannot think about what's going to happen next. I'm pretty sure I'll just die when things start to get bad. The only time i feel like i can manage life is when I'm drunk. That's the time when i can talk to people, feel like myself (aside from barely being conscious) and do stuff. I can also only fall asleep when im drunk. I am not someone who wakes up early but I'm having so hard time to keep myself asleep so whenever i first open my eyes is when I'm awake. The second i wake up i think if today is the day that i have enough courage to end it. I wake up in fear, pain in heart from nightmares (my nightmares being, being alive) and intense stress and anxiety. I have so much physical and mental pain. And to imagine that last year i was planning on getting better. I was actually getting better now that i think of if. Therapist's ruined my life, i wish i never went there. Just hearing one more time that what i was doing is not enough was enough for me to stop trying. I've tried all my life to be enough only to be told that I'm worthless. All the memories came back and I'm too weak to fight it. You can't be depressed at 12. Well i hope that i am the right age now to be depressed. Sorry for the long post.
