Venting I hate my weaknesses

[Painless_end]

I know everyone has weaknesses and nobody's perfect.

But the nature and intensity of mental weaknesses can really cripple someone's life completely I don't have to convince anyone here about it. You all already know it.

If you are very weak in critical functional areas like productive ambition and execution, then you are in serious trouble like me.

Because there's no medicine that can help a mind that doesn't want to move into adult responsibility because of the lack of interest in doing something positive. Then you say, well if you realize all this, why aren't you changjng it ?

It's hard to explain my exact problem but imagine that the ultimate satisfaction for all productive people is "out there" doing something in the real world. Like having a job, relationship, making money, travelling, hobbies etc

And then you have me, whose ultimate satisfaction is in only doing a very limited amount of stuff and then sitting around doing nothing.

And this is not depression or laziness. It's a biological "smallness" of the brain that cannot be compensated meaningfully.

It was ok until I was still in education because there was very little responsibility. I only had to study and score well in the exams. I could study and then rest or do recreational stuff like video games etc.

The moment I started working, I was on a downward spiral because in the real world in order to succeed at anything, you have to be VERY ambitious about it and you have to take it VERY seriously. You cannot just say yeah I'll do it for a while and then when I'm completely not having fun, I'll just quit.

You can quit, but ONLY as long as there is SOMETHING that you want to do as your primary interest in life. If you quit and insist on doing nothing at all, you are going to be wrecked like me.

I will add more later but for now I gotta go.

 

[Hollowillow]

I know everyone has weaknesses and nobody's perfect.

But the nature and intensity of mental weaknesses can really cripple someone's life completely I don't have to convince anyone here about it. You all already know it.

If you are very weak in critical functional areas like productive ambition and execution, then you are in serious trouble like me.

Because there's no medicine that can help a mind that doesn't want to move into adult responsibility because of the lack of interest in doing something positive. Then you say, well if you realize all this, why aren't you changjng it ?

It's hard to explain my exact problem but imagine that the ultimate satisfaction for all productive people is "out there" doing something in the real world. Like having a job, relationship, making money, travelling, hobbies etc

And then you have me, whose ultimate satisfaction is in only doing a very limited amount of stuff and then sitting around doing nothing.

And this is not depression or laziness. It's a biological "smallness" of the brain that cannot be compensated meaningfully.

It was ok until I was still in education because there was very little responsibility. I only had to study and score well in the exams. I could study and then rest or do recreational stuff like video games etc.

The moment I started working, I was on a downward spiral because in the real world in order to succeed at anything, you have to be VERY ambitious about it and you have to take it VERY seriously. You cannot just say yeah I'll do it for a while and then when I'm completely not having fun, I'll just quit.

You can quit, but ONLY as long as there is SOMETHING that you want to do as your primary interest in life. If you quit and insist on doing nothing at all, you are going to be wrecked like me.

I will add more later but for now I gotta go.

There are 2 possibilities for that

You tried harder than your ressources (malnutrition, lack of sleep) and burned out. Maybe by trauma. Especially if you compared yourself to the fastest & tortured yourself with exhausting stress for not being #1 in all things (impossible)

Other possibility... You hate it. You feel like you should but you hate it. I read a story of a priest who studied the genetics of beans. All he did was to watch plant grow & take notes. Meditating. It sounds like heaven to me. His work was acknowledged in eternal books too. Maybe he drew some beans too with text. Fun coloring.

If you really wanted to be a CEO you would be. It's not a lack of ambition. It's having better things to do than run after a dumb golden carrot. Their kids don't even want to be CEO. Working 100h a week, never being with family, giving some bling to compensate emotional starvation, but can't, suffocating keeping up appearances. Shallow. People feeding the homeless are poor but better people.

In a slave world whete everyone is depressed & burned out, just surviving another day is an accomplishment.

I'm in so much pain. Fuck the fucking corporate ladder. Those soulless sharks can eat each other.

 

[Darkover]

yeah metal weakness(anxiety) is what caused me to never go to the dentist when needed now all my teeth have decayed it ruined my life completely being enslaved in this awful shit

 

[bluem00n]

I understand where you're coming from, as I'm somewhat the same ... in my own case, the cause is that I've spent nearly all of my life immersed in media of one kind or another, living in a mediated bubble and rarely engaged with physical reality. My job for example involved tapping away on a keyborad all day, as opposed to any sort of physical labour, which I find one-dimensional and boring - I have to be cerebrally stimulated through interaction to function ...

As a consequence, my mind is solely conditioned to either consuming media, else creating it (I'm doing that right now, by composing this post). Doing anything 'physical' is anathema to me - I am simply averse to it.

The other factor at work is that because media nowadays is highly interactive, it acts as a sufficient substitute for actual interaction in the real world, so I have no need for interaction in reality. And to the extent I had any urge for real-world interaction in the past, I used to suck on cigarettes whilst listening to music (media again), such that the combination of 'interacting' with a cigarette combined with tapping my feet / playing air-guitar / singing along to music was more than sufficient to satisfy my need for interaction. In contrast, I've never smoked whilst playing video games, because the interactive immersion was already 100% without any need to 'boost' it with a cigarette.

Reinforcing all that is the total absence of interaction in my experience of physical reality, such as say ... wallpapering a room, weeding the garden, cooking a meal - any kind of engagement with physical reality is exclusively an exercise in acting on the environment, rather than interacting with it - in other words, the environment is mute, it doesn't respond, there is no feedback. As a consequence, I have no interest in material reality at all. Instead, I exclusively satisfy my need for interaction via the consumption and creation of media.

So because my brain is exclusively conditioned to two-way interactions rather than simple one-way actions, I have no interest in material reality at all, as it has no interactive aspect whatsoever. Nevertheless, despite that, reality has lately increasingly encroached upon and undermined my 'mediated' pyschology to the point that I now want to get Reality out of my subjective experience once and for all.

 

[makethepainstop]

I know everyone has weaknesses and nobody's perfect.

But the nature and intensity of mental weaknesses can really cripple someone's life completely I don't have to convince anyone here about it. You all already know it.

If you are very weak in critical functional areas like productive ambition and execution, then you are in serious trouble like me.

Because there's no medicine that can help a mind that doesn't want to move into adult responsibility because of the lack of interest in doing something positive. Then you say, well if you realize all this, why aren't you changjng it ?

It's hard to explain my exact problem but imagine that the ultimate satisfaction for all productive people is "out there" doing something in the real world. Like having a job, relationship, making money, travelling, hobbies etc

And then you have me, whose ultimate satisfaction is in only doing a very limited amount of stuff and then sitting around doing nothing.

And this is not depression or laziness. It's a biological "smallness" of the brain that cannot be compensated meaningfully.

It was ok until I was still in education because there was very little responsibility. I only had to study and score well in the exams. I could study and then rest or do recreational stuff like video games etc.

The moment I started working, I was on a downward spiral because in the real world in order to succeed at anything, you have to be VERY ambitious about it and you have to take it VERY seriously. You cannot just say yeah I'll do it for a while and then when I'm completely not having fun, I'll just quit.

You can quit, but ONLY as long as there is SOMETHING that you want to do as your primary interest in life. If you quit and insist on doing nothing at all, you are going to be wrecked like me.

I will add more later but for now I gotta go.

Easy bro, I know how easy it is to hate yourself. I do it every day. I hate myself because I am not 6'8 with platinum blond hair and blue eyes. I hate myself because I didn't reincarnate into a uber-rich family. I hate myself because I am either angry, scared, afraid, or hurting. So I of all people know how you feel at least a little. Only you can decide what is or will be right for you. I hope somehow you can find peace, big hugs to you.

 

[FuneralCry]

Maybe some people are not meant for living and are not suited for this world. That is how I feel. I'm sorry that you have to endure all this suffering. There's really nothing fair about this life as so many people are disadvantaged through no fault of their own.

 

[Mashedout]

When you operate from desire instead of purpose, it's a receipe for an endless loop of instant gratification seeking and later regret. When you listen to your conscience and operate from the purpose it provides, you progress and level up the way a child levels up to an adult. Things that used to shatter a child are brushed off by an adult and the adult can in the same way transition to a higher version of self. When you operate from desire, you regress. Once people understand this then it's just a matter of applying a process to keep a person aligned with their purpose. Desire is always going to attempt to pull you away from purpose and that's why the process to keep you aligned is important. Problems NEVER stop in this world, you have to always be ready and choose correctly. Those things most people seek are down that path of purpose, but when things get hard they tap out and choose desire. Me me me, I I I, they became selfish and only care abou their desires. Purpose requires you not caring what you want to do, but knowing what you need to do. Which in the end is much more fulfilling. People don't understand the counter intuitive nature of their decision making process. Choosing desire isn't actually the easier thing because it sends you don't a path of negative loops. Had you consistently chosen purpose from that start you wouldnt've wasted all that time and energy and introduced all that negativity into your life. The "harder" purpose choice is actually the easier one once you zoom out to the big picture. Once a person creates a process that stops hurting themselves in this way and starts helping themselves instead, the change is massive.

 

[Painless_end]

If you really wanted to be a CEO you would be. It's not a lack of ambition. It's having better things to do than run after a dumb golden carrot. Their kids don't even want to be CEO. Working 100h a week, never being with family, giving some bling to compensate emotional starvation, but can't, suffocating keeping up appearances.

This is true but there is more to it personally for me and if I have the time and right mental alignment I will try to add more details.

When you operate from desire instead of purpose, it's a receipe for an endless loop of instant gratification seeking and later regret. When you listen to your conscience and operate from the purpose it provides, you progress and level up the way a child levels up to an adult. Things that used to shatter a child are brushed off by an adult and the adult can in the same way transition to a higher version of self. When you operate from desire, you regress. Once people understand this then it's just a matter of applying a process to keep a person aligned with their purpose. Desire is always going to attempt to pull you away from purpose and that's why the process to keep you aligned is important. Problems NEVER stop in this world, you have to always be ready and choose correctly. Those things most people seek are down that path of purpose, but when things get hard they tap out and choose desire. Me me me, I I I, they became selfish and only care abou their desires. Purpose requires you not caring what you want to do, but knowing what you need to do. Which in the end is much more fulfilling. People don't understand the counter intuitive nature of their decision making process. Choosing desire isn't actually the easier thing because it sends you don't a path of negative loops. Had you consistently chosen purpose from that start you wouldnt've wasted all that time and energy and introduced all that negativity into your life. The "harder" purpose choice is actually the easier one once you zoom out to the big picture. Once a person creates a process that stops hurting themselves in this way and starts helping themselves instead, the change is massive.

You are absolutely right. The problem for me is that there was absolutely no purpose once I achieved a limited amount of goals that I felt "good" about. So it was like hitting a peak of satisfaction at 21 and knowing that it's starting to go downhill.

There are also more issues inside that I can't fully explain. While your points are absolutely correct and valid, for me it was not so straight forward as to just choose "purpose" over "desire" because primarily I didn't have the same deep and broad level of productive purpose that drives people forward to set goals and achieve them and in turn grow up to become functioning adults. I am absolutely crippled in that regard.

The only other option was to just double down and keep trying to survive by doing a job or something that I felt no connection to just to keep earning money. This option also wasn't suitable for me.

There was a very vague option that I tried to make sense of that might have worked but it required jumping into a fire where I could possibly end up dead or severely in deep trouble that no one would have been able to help me out of. Further, even if I somehow succeeded, it would have been a life that I wasn't sure I would enjoy. At the time of having to make that decision, the awareness of my own under-preparedness, the sheer enormity, real peril, and commitment of my entire life to that decision leaving my parents behind forever made my brain freeze and I ended up not making it.

That was the start of my downfall. It was supposed to be the one thing that I should have been able to pull off anyhow and I couldn't.