Venting I hate my self sometimes

[yvjayvja]

Hey, I might be the youngest person on this platform(I just turned 18 a few days ago), and the problem is, I did something stupid academically. I'm currently in my last year of high school, and what I did may seem insignificant to your eyes, but it's putting such a heavy weight on my heart.

Recently, I was just denied entry to my dream university for a few years, not because of grades, not because I wasn't good enough, but because of something that happened during a coding competition. I had used AI when it explicitly told me not use AI, and I take full blame for that, and in the end, I got caught. I've worked so hard over the past year, and despite all of this, just one impulsive decision made and broke my dreams. Another problem here is my parents; they've had such high expectations for me, and they've all been explicitly told to do good on this competition, and that's why I tried so hard and ended up cheating. I don't know if I can live with them knowing this. I do have backup options I've gotten into the other "best school" in my country and I have jobs that have offered me a very high salary for me to drop out of high school(I work in tech).

Recently, because of this I've explored self-harm issues and large amounts of overthinking. Cutting myself with knives, overdosing on daily medication, and trying to choke myself, large amounts of mental self-degradation too. It's not very logical and I'm sorry if it didn't make any sense to any of you guys I just needed somewhere to say this and if anyone had advice it would be greatly appreciated as I can't go to any of my friends due to ego issues.

 

[stopMotionSickness]

I do have backup options I've gotten into the other "best school" in my country and I have jobs that have offered me a very high salary for me to drop out of high school(I work in tech).

broseph, if this is the case, you've literally already won; probably better than 99% of people, especially in this generation.

At the very least, it soundly rules out career as a source of anguish. The internalized pressure is something I can relate to, and I'm pretty sure this is exactly the stuff therapy is designed for, if you're inclined.

 

[fleshpuppet]

I have jobs that have offered me a very high salary for me to drop out of high school(I work in tech)

You have offers for high-pay tech jobs straight out of high school? In this economy? Share the sauce please

 

[Kamaainakupua]

Hey, I might be the youngest person on this platform(I just turned 18 a few days ago), and the problem is, I did something stupid academically. I'm currently in my last year of high school, and what I did may seem insignificant to your eyes, but it's putting such a heavy weight on my heart.

The thing that connects us is the pain, not the cause. Your pain is as miserable and exhausting as mine.

Recently, I was just denied entry to my dream university for a few years, not because of grades, not because I wasn't good enough, but because of something that happened during a coding competition. I had used AI when it explicitly told me not use AI, and I take full blame for that, and in the end, I got caught. I've worked so hard over the past year, and despite all of this, just one impulsive decision made and broke my dreams. Another problem here is my parents; they've had such high expectations for me, and they've all been explicitly told to do good on this competition, and that's why I tried so hard and ended up cheating. I don't know if I can live with them knowing this. I do have backup options I've gotten into the other "best school" in my country and I have jobs that have offered me a very high salary for me to drop out of high school(I work in tech).

We can often be surprised at how much our families care, without us knowing.

Recently, because of this I've explored self-harm issues and large amounts of overthinking. Cutting myself with knives, overdosing on daily medication, and trying to choke myself, large amounts of mental self-degradation too. It's not very logical and I'm sorry if it didn't make any sense to any of you guys I just needed somewhere to say this and if anyone had advice it would be greatly appreciated as I can't go to any of my friends due to ego issues.

Thank you for sharing this, and welcome to SaSu. This is the place to find solutions, and so that others may find theirs.

 

[yvjayvja]

broseph, if this is the case, you've literally already won; probably better than 99% of people, especially in this generation.

At the very least, it soundly rules out career as a source of anguish. The internalized pressure is something I can relate to, and I'm pretty sure this is exactly the stuff therapy is designed for, if you're inclined.

Thank you so much, the problem is I'm scared my career will be ruined in the future, as good as this school is for a job(This school is like known for being the best school for a job). Sure, I may have job offers right now, but I'm worried about the future and how everything turns out.

You have offers for high-pay tech jobs straight out of high school? In this economy? Share the sauce please

I just got lucky , I made a few of my own companies thats gotten pre-seed funding and people try to hire to work on those. This seems impressive but I feel like I got lucky just a lot of times in a row

The thing that connects us is the pain, not the cause. Your pain is as miserable and exhausting as mine.\

Thank you for the understanding, and I love this sentence so much as this is exactly what I was afraid of before posting: what if my cause "isn't good enough" if you get what I mean.

We can often be surprised at how much our families care, without us knowing.

Do they, though? I feel like the love from them is very conditional at times, it almost feels like they only love one version of me.

Thank you for sharing this, and welcome to SaSu. This is the place to find solutions, so that others may find theirs.

Thank you for helping me with this

 

[stopMotionSickness]

Thank you so much, the problem is I'm scared my career will be ruined in the future, as good as this school is for a job(This school is like known for being the best school for a job). Sure, I may have job offers right now, but I'm worried about the future and how everything turns out.

So I mean I don't want to overgeneralize, but in my experience (4th year university student in physical sciences from a top-20-ranked school in North America), and according to every careerman and student I've talked to about this, education means practically nothing next to tangible job experience. And the reputation of your university being in the top-5 instead of the literal #1 "best" means so so so much less than even that, I sincerely promise you.

I remember in high school being so fed up with the implication everyone gives that "you have to get into the good school" only to hear everyone dodge to "nah reputation is elitist and fake" when you ask specifics. But now having seen how it all plays out for myself and my peers, I can tell you: in a world where a fat majority of job-seekers have degrees, the most important thing about a degree is the stuff you get to do outside of it, which itself is meant to be a proxy for job experience. Like I literally know people with 4.0's in mechanical engineering from MIT who couldn't land a single one of the 150+ internship applications they sent out. At the same time I know people going to state schools and had less than a 3.0 gpa, who published with their professors, or knew a friend that got into somewhere, and now work as full time researchers at Oxford or landed their dream engineering job.

All to say; if you literally have employment with a well-known company, even if they end up laying you off, that qualification alone is going to beat 4.0 graduates almost every time. And if you make it to *any* university, if you know how to use the access/resources it gives you, then the reputation means practically nothing.

Granted, you might be looking for more emotional support, and if so I'm sorry, I'm just not very good at giving that (though @Kamaainakupua is a sweetie pie for that), but I hope I can at least get across to you that your career is absolutely fine.

 

[Kamaainakupua]

Do they, though? I feel like the love from them is very conditional at times, it almost feels like they only love one version of me.

I dunno. There's no way to know. Obviously, not unconditional love like you can find here, but hell, your family is full of humans, and we all know what they're like .... /facepalm
I guarantee that you will feel better in the short term if you take my word for it, though you may need therapy to deal with further proof of conditions.

One of my mental healthcare providers reminded me that I will hurt less if I try to see the philanthropy in people, rather than the misanthropy.

It's just so much easier to see the bad. It's usually much more obvious.