TLDR; I fucking hate my job (large supermarket store, I believe the largest in the country/world, and is infamous for sucking ass and employees quitting very publicly) and it's the worst job I've had out of 10 jobs at 24 years old. I live alone in my childhood home after losing both my parents, the nearest family I have is 2 hours away and are senior citizens with their own kids.
TW self harm, relapse
My life flipped upside down when my mom passed in 2023 (I lived with her in my childhood home which I now own, and my father passed in 2017), and I thought taking this offer was literally the best thing that could have happened to me at the beginning of 2024. I have never been offered as much as I'm making now (hourly), and they hired me off the street as a manager which is apparently rare. Within 7-8 months of working there, I had a meltdown/breakdown that was triggered by working there. I wasn't just doing the job I was hired for, i was running multiple departments sometimes at the same time (I wasn't a general or assistant manager, I was a department manager). I wound up taking my first fmla leave, and told management that if things didn't improve for me by the holidays, I wanted to "step down" and switch positions. Guess what happened lmao
I stepped down not long after coming back from leave, around mid to end October. Went from dayshift to overnights for the first time since I was 19 and I underestimated how hard it would be on my body (I am very far from physically fit and healthy. And I smoke), and I have not been able to show up to work like I used to. At the beginning of March of this year, I relapsed and cut myself for the first time since I can't remember. Might've been the deepest I've ever done but it healed which is what matters. Failed to mention that when I had my first meltdown at the end of 2024, my family (what I have left) was concerned I actually did the deed and called a wellness check on me. I made a stupid mistake without realizing it, I did not attempt at that time. ANYWAY I got approved for a year long intermittent leave which basically allows me to miss work on days that I feel absolutely incapacitated. It has gotten to the point where I believe I worked 2 or 3 days in the entire month of May, and am of course behind on ALL of my bills. I have doordashed every day, with a bad tag and no/lapsed insurance. I owe people including my family money. And I still hate this job so much that I still have trouble motivating myself to go despite all the stressors I have from not working. I've applied to countless jobs but the ones I've been offered don't come close to what I currently make. I believe I'm at the point where regardless of what I'm offered, I need to quit. It's been hard enough staying alive and keeping a roof over my head and my vehicle in the bare minimum condition, even with the amount I'm making. I'm scared things will be even harder going forward. I created my account after lurking on here for a minute, when I came to the realization that I may not be able to become the person I wanted. I feel as though I've exhausted all resources.
I have 2 hours and some change to call out. I've already marked myself late. And yes I know "future me will thank current me for the things I force myself to do" what I'm saying is I'm at the point in my life where I am so miserable that part of me is more comfortable not working, and borrowing money, than forcing myself to do a job that puts me in legitimate immense physical, mental, and emotional pain. As much as I hate myself, I have come to loathe myself for the dredge on society I feel like I have become. Yet I still have trouble motivating myself to go. It feels pointless. I've never despised a job so badly. I've cried there multiple times, and cried here at home over the job MULTIPLE times. I'm so tired. And I'm even more tired of fighting myself every day for whether or not I'm gonna call out.
Please as much as I understand how easy it is to be angry at me, I am myself, please try to refrain from hitting me with the "I wish I was in your position, I wish I had it easy like you, I never had the privilege of getting approved for a leave" etc. I understand fully and am so sorry seriously. I feel like shit internally for constantly being unreliable and feeling as though I'm failing my community
helb (help)
D:
TW self harm, relapse
My life flipped upside down when my mom passed in 2023 (I lived with her in my childhood home which I now own, and my father passed in 2017), and I thought taking this offer was literally the best thing that could have happened to me at the beginning of 2024. I have never been offered as much as I'm making now (hourly), and they hired me off the street as a manager which is apparently rare. Within 7-8 months of working there, I had a meltdown/breakdown that was triggered by working there. I wasn't just doing the job I was hired for, i was running multiple departments sometimes at the same time (I wasn't a general or assistant manager, I was a department manager). I wound up taking my first fmla leave, and told management that if things didn't improve for me by the holidays, I wanted to "step down" and switch positions. Guess what happened lmao
I stepped down not long after coming back from leave, around mid to end October. Went from dayshift to overnights for the first time since I was 19 and I underestimated how hard it would be on my body (I am very far from physically fit and healthy. And I smoke), and I have not been able to show up to work like I used to. At the beginning of March of this year, I relapsed and cut myself for the first time since I can't remember. Might've been the deepest I've ever done but it healed which is what matters. Failed to mention that when I had my first meltdown at the end of 2024, my family (what I have left) was concerned I actually did the deed and called a wellness check on me. I made a stupid mistake without realizing it, I did not attempt at that time. ANYWAY I got approved for a year long intermittent leave which basically allows me to miss work on days that I feel absolutely incapacitated. It has gotten to the point where I believe I worked 2 or 3 days in the entire month of May, and am of course behind on ALL of my bills. I have doordashed every day, with a bad tag and no/lapsed insurance. I owe people including my family money. And I still hate this job so much that I still have trouble motivating myself to go despite all the stressors I have from not working. I've applied to countless jobs but the ones I've been offered don't come close to what I currently make. I believe I'm at the point where regardless of what I'm offered, I need to quit. It's been hard enough staying alive and keeping a roof over my head and my vehicle in the bare minimum condition, even with the amount I'm making. I'm scared things will be even harder going forward. I created my account after lurking on here for a minute, when I came to the realization that I may not be able to become the person I wanted. I feel as though I've exhausted all resources.
I have 2 hours and some change to call out. I've already marked myself late. And yes I know "future me will thank current me for the things I force myself to do" what I'm saying is I'm at the point in my life where I am so miserable that part of me is more comfortable not working, and borrowing money, than forcing myself to do a job that puts me in legitimate immense physical, mental, and emotional pain. As much as I hate myself, I have come to loathe myself for the dredge on society I feel like I have become. Yet I still have trouble motivating myself to go. It feels pointless. I've never despised a job so badly. I've cried there multiple times, and cried here at home over the job MULTIPLE times. I'm so tired. And I'm even more tired of fighting myself every day for whether or not I'm gonna call out.
Please as much as I understand how easy it is to be angry at me, I am myself, please try to refrain from hitting me with the "I wish I was in your position, I wish I had it easy like you, I never had the privilege of getting approved for a leave" etc. I understand fully and am so sorry seriously. I feel like shit internally for constantly being unreliable and feeling as though I'm failing my community
helb (help)
D:
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