Venting I hate my brain i wish it worked normally all it does is cause me issues

[coolgal82]

Ok so like this applies generally but what prompted this is like one specific situation

so theres this person, i like her she's cool but my brain is just fucking weird about her like im terrified of making her hate me/disappointing her in some way or anything like that. i just get like this with some people. but also like it means i like avoid interacting with her even if i want to more because idk i feel like everything i do just disappoints her

so like my besties suggested inviting her to the server we hang out in and like my brain is split on it like i really want to have more mutual servers with her but also talking to/interacting with her terrifies me because i don't want to like idk let her down which i definitely will (this is also why i havent accepted her follow on my priv twitter account but i also havent declined it its just sitting there and i wanna do both idfk) but now im just kind of freaking out about it cus i dont wanna say anything and not let her join but i also like idk her joining just fucking terrifies me but also i cant explain why i feel this way even if i wanted to.

i fucking hate this im trying desperately not to just leave the vc i wanna idfk i wanna go cry and hurt myself and etc etc. i fucking hate this. this isnt even anything serious and jesus christ i just wanna die its just constantly like this i cant take this shit anymore.

 

[coolgal82]

i'm like this about a few people but also like in different ways idk i hate it so much why am i like this how do i stop

 

[coolgal82]

I'm ngl idk how i didnt have a full on breakdown last night, vc was awful, like this plus that one guy thats just awful to chat with returning, idfk. atleast like me and some others also dislike him and are planning on bringing him up at some point maybe. idfk we might not be able to get rid of him but like idk this might be mean but we're kinda semi intentionally just ignoring him hoping he gets the fucking hint but jesus he's so weird, like my besties were on about watching aot on a date and he's like "am i invited?" and when told no hes like "aww you're cucking me" like what the fuck man? also he has zero like understanding of social cues like he keeps talking about fucking vtubers when no one else is a fan of vtubers or cares about them like. half of the server is autistic and we're not as bad as him. he's also like in his mid to late 20s or something i think but idk either way hes a fully grown adult its not like hes some teenager who doesnt know better.

but anyway thatsall besides the point i wish i could just know why my brain is the way it is about some people like there are potential answers but idk i have too much self doubt to settle on one of them idfk its all so confusing someone please help how do i stop like just idk almost like placing people on pedestals or like treating them like celebrities in my mind or whatever idfk how to even describe it

 

[Crimson Red]

God I relate to this so much, there is a girl that I have some history with and I ended up as her bully. Later on I realized what an asshole I was and apologized and now we are "friends". But it took me months from the point of realization to actually pulling through with even talking to her. Whenever I am messaged by her or have to message her I could die of panic and idk why (Probably the fact I don't wanna be the asshole again so I overthink every word I say). I think it is the guilt that is still eating me but I sought out forgiveness.

Regardless, go at your own pace, it is not a race, it's a marathon and as long as you don't quit you will manage it someday. I am rooting for you!

 

[coolgal82]

God I relate to this so much, there is a girl that I have some history with and I ended up as her bully. Later on I realized what an asshole I was and apologized and now we are "friends". But it took me months from the point of realization to actually pulling through with even talking to her. Whenever I am messaged by her or have to message her I could die of panic and idk why (Probably the fact I don't wanna be the asshole again so I overthink every word I say). I think it is the guilt that is still eating me but I sought out forgiveness.

Regardless, go at your own pace, it is not a race, it's a marathon and as long as you don't quit you will manage it someday. I am rooting for you!

honestly like idk i don't see how i'll ever like "manage" it tbh its just like a constant thing with some people but like thanks

 

[Crimson Red]

honestly like idk i don't see how i'll ever like "manage" it tbh its just like a constant thing with some people but like thanks

If you knew how to manage it today you wouldn't even be thinking about it, most importantly is to never stop trying. Like I dwell on a topic for months sometimes until they become so boring that I am left with little choice but to progress. This is ofc my personal experience and idk how it's going for you, but I do think this applies to many people.

 

[coolgal82]

If you knew how to manage it today you wouldn't even be thinking about it, most importantly is to never stop trying. Like I dwell on a topic for months sometimes until they become so boring that I am left with little choice but to progress. This is ofc my personal experience and idk how it's going for you, but I do think this applies to many people.

i usually like dwell on stuff but then most of that is spent trying to actually figure the thing itself out rather than how to solve it because thats honestly even harder and even if i could think of a solution i doubt i could actually do it most of the time

 

[Crimson Red]

i usually like dwell on stuff but then most of that is spent trying to actually figure the thing itself out rather than how to solve it because thats honestly even harder and even if i could think of a solution i doubt i could actually do it most of the time

Execution always sucks, and then knowing you could've solved it (maybe) makes it even worse when you don't follow through with it. I get that yeah :(