suicidalgirl96
Member
- Oct 10, 2023
- 26
Hey everyone :)
I'm new here and have been lurking for a couple of months prior to making an account.
It's so great to have found a community that understands, who are empathetic and pro-choice. Thank you. Also thank you to everyone who has shared information on methods. Each day I am more confident that I will execute my method successfully.
I guess I wanted to sort of just vent about my pathetic existence. I'm really sorry if this is long!
I'm 27 and I've had depression, anxiety etc and felt suicidal for as long as I can remember. I've never felt normal. Every other person seems to get on with life and then there's me. Even as a child I just didn't want to wake up most days, I dreaded another day being alive, I felt sad for no reason, constant anxiety, didn't want to go to school.
I genuinely feel like I wasn't meant to be born, I hate my brain, I hate my life and I hate myself. I always knew I would ctb, I knew I would never have a 'normal', happy life even from a young age. I feel like everything that could be wrong with a person, is wrong with me.
I can't ever see an end to what I'm feeling. Nothing has gotten better the past 17 years or so, just progressively worse with each year that passes. Medication has never worked. I've been suicidal for over 15 years now. My mental illness is just getting worse with each day. I've started to hear and feel things so I feel like I am now literally losing my mind. My paranoia has also gone through the roof. I constantly think I've done something bad, someone is after me, everyone hates me. I hadn't self harmed in a while but I've started again.
I was raped in my early teens which has caused me severe trauma. I was already struggling a lot mentally prior and then I was just completely and utterly destroyed. I stopped going to school because of everything I was dealing with at the time so I've never really had a social life or proper friends. I've always been terrified of going out and leaving the house on my own. I also overthink every social interaction and it causes me a lot of stress. I feel like I'm putting on an act when talking to people. I always think the other person hates me.
I'm a waste of oxygen and a burden, I don't contribute anything. In my 27 years I haven't done anything other than be severely depressed and suicidal at home.
My dad died a couple of months ago and I still cannot comprehend that he's not here. I'm terrified for it to sink in. I can't cope with that reality. My mum has not long been diagnosed with a heart condition and I cannot cope without her.
It's a comfort knowing it will end, I won't have to deal with existence anymore. Soon they'll be nothingness. I can't believe I've even made it to 27, I thought I would've done it by now. I always knew it would happen but now it's soon. I'm just tired. I can't function. I can't feel like this forever. The emptiness, the numbness. My brain is just fucked. Even if all my fixable problems were magically fixed, I would still have a chemical imbalance, I would still have trauma that haunts me every day. My dad is still dead. I would still be a failure. I might have lost the love of my life. I haven't hit any of the milestones other people do, I've just been trying to survive one day at a time and I wish I hadn't and that I had ctb a long, long time ago.
The only reason I'm still here is because of what killing myself will do to my family. I love them so much but I cannot go on any longer. My brain hates me and I hate being in the body I was violated in.
I don't believe in anything after death so I can't wait for nothingness, no more pain or suffering, not existing. Just nothing, an end to it all.
I am still planning on hanging but partial instead of full now. I will continue to look into other methods on this site just in case, but to be honest I've always known it was going to be hanging.
I'm so sorry to you all who feel the same, it's horrible knowing so many other people feel this. It's fucking isolating in person, you feel like you're the only human in the world who feels like this, so it's a relief that there's a community here that understands with no judgement.
I really wish our lives and brains had been kinder to us all. I wish each and every one of you the best <3
I'm new here and have been lurking for a couple of months prior to making an account.
It's so great to have found a community that understands, who are empathetic and pro-choice. Thank you. Also thank you to everyone who has shared information on methods. Each day I am more confident that I will execute my method successfully.
I guess I wanted to sort of just vent about my pathetic existence. I'm really sorry if this is long!
I'm 27 and I've had depression, anxiety etc and felt suicidal for as long as I can remember. I've never felt normal. Every other person seems to get on with life and then there's me. Even as a child I just didn't want to wake up most days, I dreaded another day being alive, I felt sad for no reason, constant anxiety, didn't want to go to school.
I genuinely feel like I wasn't meant to be born, I hate my brain, I hate my life and I hate myself. I always knew I would ctb, I knew I would never have a 'normal', happy life even from a young age. I feel like everything that could be wrong with a person, is wrong with me.
I can't ever see an end to what I'm feeling. Nothing has gotten better the past 17 years or so, just progressively worse with each year that passes. Medication has never worked. I've been suicidal for over 15 years now. My mental illness is just getting worse with each day. I've started to hear and feel things so I feel like I am now literally losing my mind. My paranoia has also gone through the roof. I constantly think I've done something bad, someone is after me, everyone hates me. I hadn't self harmed in a while but I've started again.
I was raped in my early teens which has caused me severe trauma. I was already struggling a lot mentally prior and then I was just completely and utterly destroyed. I stopped going to school because of everything I was dealing with at the time so I've never really had a social life or proper friends. I've always been terrified of going out and leaving the house on my own. I also overthink every social interaction and it causes me a lot of stress. I feel like I'm putting on an act when talking to people. I always think the other person hates me.
I'm a waste of oxygen and a burden, I don't contribute anything. In my 27 years I haven't done anything other than be severely depressed and suicidal at home.
My dad died a couple of months ago and I still cannot comprehend that he's not here. I'm terrified for it to sink in. I can't cope with that reality. My mum has not long been diagnosed with a heart condition and I cannot cope without her.
It's a comfort knowing it will end, I won't have to deal with existence anymore. Soon they'll be nothingness. I can't believe I've even made it to 27, I thought I would've done it by now. I always knew it would happen but now it's soon. I'm just tired. I can't function. I can't feel like this forever. The emptiness, the numbness. My brain is just fucked. Even if all my fixable problems were magically fixed, I would still have a chemical imbalance, I would still have trauma that haunts me every day. My dad is still dead. I would still be a failure. I might have lost the love of my life. I haven't hit any of the milestones other people do, I've just been trying to survive one day at a time and I wish I hadn't and that I had ctb a long, long time ago.
The only reason I'm still here is because of what killing myself will do to my family. I love them so much but I cannot go on any longer. My brain hates me and I hate being in the body I was violated in.
I don't believe in anything after death so I can't wait for nothingness, no more pain or suffering, not existing. Just nothing, an end to it all.
I am still planning on hanging but partial instead of full now. I will continue to look into other methods on this site just in case, but to be honest I've always known it was going to be hanging.
I'm so sorry to you all who feel the same, it's horrible knowing so many other people feel this. It's fucking isolating in person, you feel like you're the only human in the world who feels like this, so it's a relief that there's a community here that understands with no judgement.
I really wish our lives and brains had been kinder to us all. I wish each and every one of you the best <3
you are all so lovely here. It's definitely been really comforting finding this community! I'm always here if you ever need to talk :) best of wishes to you too <3
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