Venting I hate it that after you get abused you are in a cycle of pain

[HopefulSleep]

I never told anybody I got abused at the beginning, I just tried to imagine it didn't happen and I was afraid others wouldn't believe me but then I told others and they really didn't believe me, not only the pain from the abuse itself is what I felt but also not trusting others and when I tried to ctb because of that in the past they forced me in psych wards.
The others not believing me and the forcing in psych ward were just more pain added on the already damaging abuse and it made no sense, not only the abuse hurt but it trapped me in a cycle of pain, I can't even be real about my suicide planning cause you get in trouble for that in society but when they should have helped me when I got hurt they didn't it makes all no sense.
I can't get out of that cycle of getting hurt no more I am too deep in it, people still don't believe me and think I am just crazy or say it wasn't that bad, their words still hurt me and when I even canceled a ctb attempt and told my mom in the past they forced me in psych ward, why does society tell why should speak up about abuse even though they hurt us more then?
I think it is too long ago to go the police and besides that I often hear from abuse victims that the police doesn't do anything and I would feel ashamed to talk about this again anyway.

 

[Brokensoulwalking]

I'm sorry to hear this.

As someone who was abused also I feel your pain.

I think the hardest part is how it has defined our personalities, understanding we are the way we are cause of the abuse is so difficult.

Unfortunately, I can't give you the answers, but my DM's are always open. As someone who understands I hope it brings you comfort that you can speak to someone.

I did all the therapy did all the bullshit pills they didn't work only made it worse. I hope you find some peace with what happened.

 

[HopefulSleep]

I think the hardest part is how it has defined our personalities, understanding we are the way we are cause of the abuse is so difficult.

I am the pain.

I did all the therapy did all the bullshit

I don't understand how therapy can help one bit, I found out what has caused which mental pain but no I can't go further, I know all the abuse caused it but I can't fix that the abuse happened, I don't understand it.

pills they didn't work only made it worse

I understand, they gave me antipsychotics and it felt like mental torture everything was 10x worse.
I like opioids and gabaergics but sadly they are physically addictive.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible what you've been through, it disgusts me how humans create so much harm in this world, existence is just too cruel.

 

[HopefulSleep]

That sounds so horrible what you've been through, it disgusts me how humans create so much harm in this world, existence is just too cruel.

Existence could be fun, I would like to fly through a colored world as a bird but this is just hell

 

[saddestbunny]

Existence could be fun, I would like to fly through a colored world as a bird but this is just hell

exactly like the idea of existence sounds fine to me but the actual experience is bad and others that exist inside shells that don't torture them mentally every day will apparently never get that

 

[HopefulSleep]

exactly like the idea of existence sounds fine to me but the actual experience is bad and others that exist inside shells that don't torture them mentally every day will apparently never get that

Even without abuse I don't see how life as a human could be fun in any way but it would be bearable.
I have depression since I was like 9 what caused it was actually that it felt wrong growing up, it was in the time I stopped going to playgrounds and stuff like that I only stayed at home but remembering the abuse destroyed me.