Venting I hate how bad/improper upbringing can destroy you.

[Unknown21]

Since my childhood i have suffered a lot in my life, the trauma i went through destroyed my mind/ brain. I exposed to violence and brutal beating and psychological harm in my early childhood and that fucked my brain up. I feel severely anxious all the time, my memory is so bad/ weak especially the short-term memory, brain fog is one the most things that have ruined my life bc i can't function anymore i feel a sense of timelessness.
I've been plagued by depression and lack of self-esteem my whole life.
I just wish i had anormal life and normal brain, good amount of money. Fuck my life, I've no life in the first place, I'm a fucking Hikkomori, i never go out of my home, i even haven't money to go out, just lying on bed and rotting.

I hope i can end it all sometime soon.

(I'm sorry if i seem disorganized or if my words are precise. I'm autistic and i struggle to express my feelings accurately, and English is not my native language)

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

This is super relatable for me.
It's frustrating since it can be so hard to track down the exact trauma because there's so much of it. People don't always understand that it's just been life that's messing with me from childhood into adulthood. Can it even be fixed? Who knows but I don't care to try.

I know it's rough but I still wish the best of luck

 

[Argo]

I understand your situation, it just feels like a form of theft, because every child deserves a fair chance. But when you're born to terrible people or people who aren't fit for raising reasonably functional children, your life will feel like a permanent uphill climb that only seems to get more steep

 

[Unattainable666]

I agree. The bitch who had me destroyed my life.

 

[Unknown21]

I agree. The bitch who had me destroyed my life.

Glad to see you again ( hope I'm not selfish for saying that) @Unattainable666

 

[Unattainable666]

Glad to see you again ( hope I'm not selfish for saying that) @Unattainable666

Oh how kind of you! I'll be checking out next week. Ironically I don't want to, but have to (does that make any sense?) Unlike most here it makes me feel that I am cared for when people are sad to see me go.

 

[sserafim]

I agree with this. I'm a hiki as well. I don't think that my parents actually taught me how to socialize (which is even worse because I have Asperger's) and I was othered growing up and always seen as "different" by my peers. My dad would also burst into fits of rage whenever he got mad, and shout at us (the super loud ear-splitting kind), and sometimes even got violent. Sometimes he would even have temper tantrums in public and I would get really embarrassed. I think he definitely has some kind of personality issues. Thankfully he was absent so I didn't grow up around him…I only saw him in the summers (I wish I didn't see him at all).

 

[Fractal]

What's even worse is when you have an older or younger sibling that they treated so much better or turned out so much better than you. I feel like my brother turned out so great and then they had an weird, autistic, type 1 diabetic kid who barely spoke (me) and they just didn't know how to parent someone like me. My brother was so fucking normal and gifted, and he's such a good person, but I honestly resent the fact that he was their first child. Like they just saw how me and thought, "welp, we love him too, but we'll just put the same amount of effort, if not less, in parenting him because he's too much work.

 

[rozeske]

I feel severely anxious all the time, my memory is so bad/ weak especially the short-term memory,

I definitely resonate with that deeply. I never thought to relate it to my past. On top of all the ruins my childhood truma gave me I guess one more to add to the list.

 

[sserafim]

What's even worse is when you have an older or younger sibling that they treated so much better or turned out so much better than you. I feel like my brother turned out so great and then they had an weird, autistic, type 1 diabetic kid who barely spoke (me) and they just didn't know how to parent someone like me. My brother was so fucking normal and gifted, and he's such a good person, but I honestly resent the fact that he was their first child. Like they just saw how me and thought, "welp, we love him too, but we'll just put the same amount of effort, if not less, in parenting him because he's too much work.

I feel that way as well, but about my younger sister. She's gifted (although she has ADHD) and she turned out much better than I did. She got into an Ivy and probably won't become a hiki after college like me, lol. She didn't need much parenting growing up, my mom mainly parented me instead because I was a difficult child. She tried to help me and sent me to a lot of specialists to figure out what exactly was wrong with me (there was a lot, haha). I'm also jealous about the fact that my sister can communicate and socialize so well with people. It's not fair that I was burdened with Asperger's (and ADHD)…oh well

 

[rozeske]

What's even worse is when you have an older or younger sibling that they treated so much better or turned out so much better than you.

Unfortunately I understand quite well how much worse that feels. It makes you wonder were those really the people that raised me? Was it me? Was I the problem?
I was asked by my father why I turned out to be angry, resentful and unhappy all the time unlike my younger brother who is a happy go lucky ray of sunshine :)

 

[mortuarymary]

Before he left our lives were full of fear and terror. The day he walked out on us all, I think my mom secretly celebrated.
The cunt had the cheek to send flowers to her funeral, which I soon threw in the bin.
He sent me £50 at Xmas which I sent to my niece. Everyone thinks he's a great bloke. He's a wife and child beating wanker. I'm just sorry for what he put his new wife through.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible what you've been through, it's certainly so cruel how people have to suffer so much in this existence. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering.