Venting i hate having to stay alive for other people

[lizardsoup]

ive made a promise to my boyfriend i wouldnt die before him, and my mom would most likely kill herself if i did. i would be ok with breaking the promise to my boyfriend, but he cant handle death well, and if i died that would devastate him. I want to say i dont care, because if it were anyone else i wouldnt. But i dont think he realises how close i am to the edge, ive picked the SN method and i have the funds in a savings account. I really want to buy the items i need because i feel like it could give me a small amount of comfort, but my bf is highly against that idea. Theres a whole bunch of stuff going on and i just switched therapists, so i have to fucking restart and explain so much again and i hate it. Ive tried talking to my mom but all she does is compare it to her problems and put me down for being sad, so now i feel like all of my problems are fucking insignificant and i cant be upset. i just dont want to be like this anymore and finally go over the edge, but i dont want to hurt anyone.

 

[rabbithole]

im right there with you. I don't want to hurt anyone. If it weren't for my parents I'd have been gone months ago.

 

[signifying nothing]

ive made a promise to my boyfriend i wouldnt die before him, and my mom would most likely kill herself if i did. i would be ok with breaking the promise to my boyfriend, but he cant handle death well, and if i died that would devastate him. I want to say i dont care, because if it were anyone else i wouldnt. But i dont think he realises how close i am to the edge, ive picked the SN method and i have the funds in a savings account. I really want to buy the items i need because i feel like it could give me a small amount of comfort, but my bf is highly against that idea. Theres a whole bunch of stuff going on and i just switched therapists, so i have to fucking restart and explain so much again and i hate it. Ive tried talking to my mom but all she does is compare it to her problems and put me down for being sad, so now i feel like all of my problems are fucking insignificant and i cant be upset. i just dont want to be like this anymore and finally go over the edge, but i dont want to hurt anyone.

Sounds like a very difficult situation, but you need to try to put yourself first because in the end only you can really care about you, and you know yourself best.

In terms of therapy, you might try with the new therapist just to focus on how you are right now, rather than trying to go over the same things again? You should be able to direct your own therapy, so focus on what you want to talk about.

 

[Misfit72]

I worry about the impact my suicide would have on my two nieces, because they are still very young, even if I don't care about their father, my younger brother, or their paternal grandfather, my father. But I'm too full of anger and hate for my love to be worth anything to them.

 

[justsad&done]

It's an impossible situation. How can we do what we want/need and not hurt those people who matter to us. Unfortunately there is no easy answer. I feel as you do. I want to stop my own pain, but I am hurting even more knowing how much it will affect others.

 

[Jantje]

ive made a promise to my boyfriend i wouldnt die before him, and my mom would most likely kill herself if i did. i would be ok with breaking the promise to my boyfriend, but he cant handle death well, and if i died that would devastate him. I want to say i dont care, because if it were anyone else i wouldnt. But i dont think he realises how close i am to the edge, ive picked the SN method and i have the funds in a savings account. I really want to buy the items i need because i feel like it could give me a small amount of comfort, but my bf is highly against that idea. Theres a whole bunch of stuff going on and i just switched therapists, so i have to fucking restart and explain so much again and i hate it. Ive tried talking to my mom but all she does is compare it to her problems and put me down for being sad, so now i feel like all of my problems are fucking insignificant and i cant be upset. i just dont want to be like this anymore and finally go over the edge, but i dont want to hurt anyone.

People who care about me are the reason I'm still here. I believe it would be immoral to leave them behind. I've been decreasing the amount of people who care about me by simply ghosting them when possible and only keeping to a small group of people.

I'd like to advice anyone reading this to not isolate yourself to make less people care. It makes me feel worse than I (probably) would have felt otherwise.

 

[demuic]

It's an impossible situation. How can we do what we want/need and not hurt those people who matter to us. Unfortunately there is no easy answer. I feel as you do. I want to stop my own pain, but I am hurting even more knowing how much it will affect others.

Very much same. It would be "easier" if no one cared at all. Just having one person is painful enough.

 

[Mooshi]

im right there with you. I don't want to hurt anyone. If it weren't for my parents I'd have been gone months ago.

Me as well, if it weren't for my mom I would have been gone so so long ago

 

[Spitfire]

It does not matter why the fuck would it?

 

[shadowchaser]

I'm in the same boat. I couldn't put my parents through my death, no matter how much I manage to convince myself they'd be better off. They'd still suffer. My brain also constantly reminds myself that I've no right to be angry to have people that care about me while others would give anything for precisely that, but of course that just makes me feel worse :\

 

[Deleted member 22624]

I'm in the same boat. I couldn't put my parents through my death, no matter how much I manage to convince myself they'd be better off. They'd still suffer. My brain also constantly reminds myself that I've no right to be angry to have people that care about me while others would give anything for precisely that, but of course that just makes me feel worse :\

Have you talked to them about ctb? If they're understanding it could help give some closure for everyone

 

[shadowchaser]

Have you talked to them about ctb? If they're understanding it could help give some closure for everyone

They know about some of my previous attempts and are really supportive, but I don't think they could ever understand the appeal of ctb. (ps. I wasn't expecting a reply haha, thank you!)