Venting I hate having a husband at times like this, it makes me feel guilty about my suicidal thoughts.

[SHThrowAway213]

I have had this pit of guilt in my stomach all day, and it's all because of him.
I love him so much, he has done so much for me, I really don't want to hurt him, but I really don't want to live anymore.
It would be so much easier, if I didn't have this guilt gnawing at me every second of every day.
Dealing with this guilt is even worse then the thoughts.
I wish he would give me permisson to die or leave me so it would make this easier.
I literry texting him earlier asking for permisson. I know he'll never give it to me.
But I need to do this sooner or later/

 

[wendydong1]

I have two really old parents and a really old dog. All of them love me unconditionally...

 

[Soulless_Angel]

I have had this pit of guilt in my stomach all day, and it's all because of him.
I love him so much, he has done so much for me, I really don't want to hurt him, but I really don't want to live anymore.
It would be so much easier, if I didn't have this guilt gnawing at me every second of every day.
Dealing with this guilt is even worse then the thoughts.
I wish he would give me permisson to die or leave me so it would make this easier.
I literry texting him earlier asking for permisson. I know he'll never give it to me.
But I need to do this sooner or later/

I to often think of my husband, and how I don't want to hurt him, they willnever give permission, I realise my happiness is not important, long as hes happy then everyone should be happy, but Im too selfish to care any more

 

[anonbpdgirl]

I understand how you feel, OP. I'm not married yet, as we both feel too young, but we have been together for years. He is obviously very against the idea of me killing myself, and he is one of the few things that keeps me around. I feel incredibly
guilty at the thought of betraying him and killing myself anyway.

 

[Baskol1]

The good thing is that im gay and single.

 

[BipolarExpat]

The good thing is that im gay and single.....

....and ready to "thumb it all UP."

^
FTFY ;)

 

[bigj75]

I'm single.

 

[SHThrowAway213]

I understand how you feel, OP. I'm not married yet, as we both feel too young, but we have been together for years. He is obviously very against the idea of me killing myself, and he is one of the few things that keeps me around. I feel incredibly
guilty at the thought of betraying him and killing myself anyway.

We've been together for 3 years, married for 1.
The guilt eats me up inside.
I've told him I have a plan, and he's not happy.

 

[Mr2005]

Similar feelings. Girlfriend of three years. Something to stay alive for but I'm not sure I can so it's just dragging it out and cruel on her. However any time I try to end it I regret it immediately. Ah what to do?

 

[oopswronglife]

Maybe an unpopular opinion. But I don't think we should ever tell people and expect their permission. It is an attempt to alleviate our own guilt, but it doesn't work and NOW they know and worry. We all want to live down deep, and I think we should keep trying to find a way until the limb we are out on snaps...but trying to normalize suicide and expect others to understand is futile and (sorry as I hate ever sounding judgemental or cruel) fairly selfish. It transfers MORE pain because NOBODY...even others like us..are "ok" with suicide. We just have our backs against a wall. Write letters, let them know they are loved and it wasn't their fault etc. But putting all that on them, asking them to accept something we cannot truly accept ourselves....doesn't have an positive benefit. Even if this ideal of acceptance you have constructed in your mind happens...this wont make dying easier. Something else will take the worry spot.

Now please don't take this as me berating you...I have great empathy for your situation and would solve it right now if I could. I have just never seen this sort of desire, to have this accepted and agreed with, work...except in VERY old terminally ill people where death is imminent anyway and people are more resigned and prepared. If you are telling him as a cry for help...that's one thing. Communicate and maybe you two can find a way out of this...but if you are truly gone and want him to accept this so you feel less guilt, it doesn't work...and best bet is backing off and acting as if its not as bad as you say...and leaving the understanding and discussion for a letter. There is no good way to deal with all of this. The BEST way is just to minimize overall damage and I know that's easy to say and hard to do. Just my two pence.

 

[omoidarui]

The good thing is that im gay and single.

me too m8 hi5 !

 

[BipolarExpat]

We really want to be understood so badly.

We wish they (he/she) could be in our shoes for a day, an hour,...even ten minutes of a particularly grueling time.

THEN they'd see, Then they'd know, then they'd understand!! Finally, pure empathy.

They'd then feel sorry (enough) for us and find it in their hearts to allow us to leave. Because no one should have to suffer like this.

Hell, if they truly knew the depths of our pain,...our...mental anguish - maybe they'd even assist.

But, no. Life and death. It won't play by any rules. There are no limits on misery.

Oopswronglife (2 posts up ^^) is right.

That's the hard truth. They won't give in...won't "allow" or permit.

Alls you can do is pen it all down and leave.

And believe me, I waver on this issue, often.
I'm known for being very persuasive, but this....this would be the ultimate debate that (without a physically draining, painfully torturous debilitating and deathly disease) would only end in tears, distrust, misunderstandings and more guilt.

"But mom (wife/sister), I'm intelligent enough to know I've lost. It's better this way. My later years will be filled with suffering. It's really not fair. I got the bad gene. Allow the torture to end."

An even harder truth might be....you're (we're) not ending the pain at all.

We're just transferring it onto those we hold dear.

me too m8 hi5 !

Datz Cool

But can you "like" 15 posts in 14 seconds? :p

...............later.............

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Too slow
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[omoidarui]

i need to practice my thumb more

 

[Rachel74]

I have an amazing partner but I can see he's getting tired. He no longer enjoys me and I've taken his happiness away. I feel me dying would be good for him as he will be free from this miserable cunt. I think my ex husband will be gutted, we are still the best of friends x

 

[bigj75]

I have an amazing partner but I can see he's getting tired. He no longer enjoys me and I've taken his happiness away. I feel me dying would be good for him as he will be free from this miserable cunt. I think my ex husband will be gutted, we are still the best of friends x

why you talking so negatively about yourself?

 

[okaoki]

i have no partner and friend , if i die no one will care , my parents might feel relief
my brother would be happy as in really happy , but they will pretend to be sad but move on .
but i'm too tired , been in this website a year ago and thought something would change ,
and here am i coming back here .but this time is different , there are no other way.

 

[SHThrowAway213]

i have no partner and friend , if i die no one will care , my parents might feel relief
my brother would be happy as in really happy , but they will pretend to be sad but move on .
but i'm too tired , been in this website a year ago and thought something would change ,
and here am i coming back here .but this time is different , there are no other way.

Nothing ever seems to change
There is only one way out of this hell