guinea-pig
:0
- Jul 31, 2023
- 42
I was just so numb and bored the other day that I scheduled a piercing appointment for yesterday. I got the piercing and I like it it was just a lot going out because I rarely leave the house anymore. I only go out if it is something that I feel safe with and I am used to it. But even then sometimes I can't go out. I say it is borderline agoraphobia at this point because when I looked it up in the dsm to see the symptoms I can relate a lot to it all. I'm scared that it will become actual agoraphobia where it is 10x worse because then I will be at the point where I'm actually trapped.
But I was shaking for almost the whole time I was there, when I tried to put the jewelry to my face I dropped it and the guy and other person in there laughed, I laughed too because I didn't want to be awkward. I ended up saying I'm too shaky to hold it so the piercer help me and I could see my face even shaking in the mirror. I felt like the whole time I was going to pee myself because a common anxiety symptom for me is that now. Sometimes I have to sometimes it is just an imaginary feeling. That symptom makes it really hard to do things too because if there isn't a bathroom I for real can't go.
My anxiety wasn't helped either with the piercing because I got my septum pierced so he had me lay on the table with my head off the top and upside-down, I was basically eye level with his dick. And I was supposed to have a woman but the appointment got changed and then I didn't want to cancel because it was an hour away from when I was supposed to go. Men make me a lot more anxious because of my experiences so I hated that I had to go with him. He was really nice though it is just that it made everything worse.
It's just that every time I go out in public I find more reasons why I should stay inside. It is hard going outside all the time when I feel terrible and my body feels like it is being hunted or something when I am just inside a piercing shop or grocery store. Stores are the worst btw, the people, crowds, waiting in line, noise, lights. SO much.
I just hate how I can't have a job either, I tried fully once but I couldn't walk in and I had a bad panic attack. That has made me afraid to try getting a job again because I can't even walk into stores without someone there with me and even then sometimes I can't so how can I work. That was also months ago but I still can't get over it. I'm trying to get over this fear too because it really does make my time left here suck even more and I want to be able to leave the state and travel with my boyfriend at least once before I do anything.
I want to feel good when I ctb, not feeling like it was the only option.
But I was shaking for almost the whole time I was there, when I tried to put the jewelry to my face I dropped it and the guy and other person in there laughed, I laughed too because I didn't want to be awkward. I ended up saying I'm too shaky to hold it so the piercer help me and I could see my face even shaking in the mirror. I felt like the whole time I was going to pee myself because a common anxiety symptom for me is that now. Sometimes I have to sometimes it is just an imaginary feeling. That symptom makes it really hard to do things too because if there isn't a bathroom I for real can't go.
My anxiety wasn't helped either with the piercing because I got my septum pierced so he had me lay on the table with my head off the top and upside-down, I was basically eye level with his dick. And I was supposed to have a woman but the appointment got changed and then I didn't want to cancel because it was an hour away from when I was supposed to go. Men make me a lot more anxious because of my experiences so I hated that I had to go with him. He was really nice though it is just that it made everything worse.
It's just that every time I go out in public I find more reasons why I should stay inside. It is hard going outside all the time when I feel terrible and my body feels like it is being hunted or something when I am just inside a piercing shop or grocery store. Stores are the worst btw, the people, crowds, waiting in line, noise, lights. SO much.
I just hate how I can't have a job either, I tried fully once but I couldn't walk in and I had a bad panic attack. That has made me afraid to try getting a job again because I can't even walk into stores without someone there with me and even then sometimes I can't so how can I work. That was also months ago but I still can't get over it. I'm trying to get over this fear too because it really does make my time left here suck even more and I want to be able to leave the state and travel with my boyfriend at least once before I do anything.
I want to feel good when I ctb, not feeling like it was the only option.
