yearofluigi
New Member
- Nov 19, 2024
- 2
So first of all hi 
My account is new but I've been lurking here for months lol. Made an account here because I really wanna vent about this and I don't wanna talk to anyone in real life about it because I'd feel like I'm not a "good trans person" or something? And there's no way I'm telling anyone I'm suicidal.
I'm a trans woman, been on HRT for just over a year, been publicly out for about seven months. And I hate it! I know my situation is better than what a lot of trans people experience - my friends and family are all supportive, and I don't really face explicit transphobia at all - but no one understands how stressful and painful it all feels. I don't pass, but I can't boymode because I've already come out and changed my legal name and everything. I look and sound like a man dressing up as a girl and there's nothing I can do about it. I cringe when I have to tell anyone my name. I can't go to women's washrooms because I'm scared that I'll creep out any cis women in there. I can't express any attraction. (By definition, I'm a lesbian, but I can't being myself to actually use that term without feeling like I'm appropriating it.) I'm stuck between genders.
I particularly want to vent about my grandma. She's very sweet, has been wonderful to me my whole life, and is totally on board with me being trans, but she's… kinda stupid. She's having a really hard time keeping up with the new name and pronouns, even though I came out to her over nine months ago. Almost every time I see her, she misgenders me at least once. If I try to complain about that to my parents, they go to her defence and say that she's old and is just needs more time to catch up. Okay? If someone keeps smacking me on the head with a hammer, and I totally completely forgive them on the basis that their hammer-swinging arm just isn't what it used to be and they can't control it, the hammer smacks don't start hurting any less. And seriously, it's been nine months since I came out to her and seven months since I've came out to everyone else. She should've figured it out by now and at this point I don't think she ever will. If she was just being a jerk, I'd probably have an easier time brushing it off than I'm having now. If she thought that God gave me a male body and I'm not allowed to change it or something (which is very much how it feels most days), I'd just be like "lol whatever loser" and move on. But that's the thing. She fully supports me, she just has no filter. She's saying what everyone else is thinking! Every time she misgenders me, it's a reminder that no one sees me for the woman I am. Everyone else is just better at playing along. I'm not fooling anyone with my slightly-higher-than-before voice and padded bra. I should've just stayed in the closet to everyone but a few friends. Then I could've worked on my voice in secret without embarrassing myself every time I spoke to someone; same goes for fashion and my face. And I'd be able to use gendered bathrooms without feeling like a fugitive!
Of course, this isn't just a grandma thing, even though she's the worst offender. My friends and acquaintances slip up frequently, and strangers never gender me correctly. I'm constantly being reminded that I'm defective, how I'm lucky to have people around me who'll at least pretend I'm a girl for my sake even though I'm not and never will be. Male puberty has already done its damage, and the terrible effort of voice training and intensive surgeries are the only hopes I have of mitigating it.
I want to kill myself because I never got the chance to just… be me, and I don't think I ever will, and that ruins every good thing in my life (even though there are several other reasons I don't like my life, but those are for future posts hehe). Am I a woman with a messed-up body or a man with a messed-up brain? Doesn't matter. Nothing can change the fact that I was born wrong and didn't realize until it it was too late. Maybe if I figured out I was trans way earlier I could've been happy, but as it stands I'm on the verge of tears every time I see an old photo of myself.
Another thing I wanted to rant about was a very significant effect of feminizing HRT: "emotional expansion," which basically means I went from crying once every few months to more than once a week. My anxiety has gotten way worse; I now get a nasty stomachache whenever I'm even slightly worried about something. All my feelings, good and bad (mostly bad), are so intense now and I'm finding it really hard to deal with. Mentally I'm in grad school but emotionally I'm in middle school.
I can't talk about any of this with people I know irl because it'll go against a sorta narrative about being trans that I feel pressured to maintain. I'm supposed to be happier now that I'm out of the closet. I was supposed to instantly feel a mental fog lift upon starting HRT. I have to be on board with being a woman 100% of the time even when I'm too depressed to put the effort into hair and makeup and clothes that's required to even have a chance at passing. I have to laugh off every misgendering and tell people it's fine and that they're Not Bad People for screwing up even though I'm hanging on by a thread and the only thing that can distract me from how invalidated they make me feel is fantasizing about taking SN.
Would killing myself make trans people look bad? I keep seeing posts on other websites saying I need to stay strong and stay alive, so as to not let the bigots win, but I dunno, I'm pretty much ready to throw in the towel. I think the bigots can have this one. I'm worried that people will see how depressed I've gotten since coming out, culminating in me killing myself, and blame it on my identity instead of how everyone else sees it. Would my suicide make people who knew me turn transphobic? I hope not. I hope people get really sad for a while, get over it, and then do their best to support the other trans people in their lives. The stuff I've said about myself - that I'm defective, appropriating labels, can't change the body I'm born with, etc. - are things that I'd never say to another trans person. I want the best for my community but I can't go on myself.
That's all I think :3 Thanks for reading.
My account is new but I've been lurking here for months lol. Made an account here because I really wanna vent about this and I don't wanna talk to anyone in real life about it because I'd feel like I'm not a "good trans person" or something? And there's no way I'm telling anyone I'm suicidal.I'm a trans woman, been on HRT for just over a year, been publicly out for about seven months. And I hate it! I know my situation is better than what a lot of trans people experience - my friends and family are all supportive, and I don't really face explicit transphobia at all - but no one understands how stressful and painful it all feels. I don't pass, but I can't boymode because I've already come out and changed my legal name and everything. I look and sound like a man dressing up as a girl and there's nothing I can do about it. I cringe when I have to tell anyone my name. I can't go to women's washrooms because I'm scared that I'll creep out any cis women in there. I can't express any attraction. (By definition, I'm a lesbian, but I can't being myself to actually use that term without feeling like I'm appropriating it.) I'm stuck between genders.
I particularly want to vent about my grandma. She's very sweet, has been wonderful to me my whole life, and is totally on board with me being trans, but she's… kinda stupid. She's having a really hard time keeping up with the new name and pronouns, even though I came out to her over nine months ago. Almost every time I see her, she misgenders me at least once. If I try to complain about that to my parents, they go to her defence and say that she's old and is just needs more time to catch up. Okay? If someone keeps smacking me on the head with a hammer, and I totally completely forgive them on the basis that their hammer-swinging arm just isn't what it used to be and they can't control it, the hammer smacks don't start hurting any less. And seriously, it's been nine months since I came out to her and seven months since I've came out to everyone else. She should've figured it out by now and at this point I don't think she ever will. If she was just being a jerk, I'd probably have an easier time brushing it off than I'm having now. If she thought that God gave me a male body and I'm not allowed to change it or something (which is very much how it feels most days), I'd just be like "lol whatever loser" and move on. But that's the thing. She fully supports me, she just has no filter. She's saying what everyone else is thinking! Every time she misgenders me, it's a reminder that no one sees me for the woman I am. Everyone else is just better at playing along. I'm not fooling anyone with my slightly-higher-than-before voice and padded bra. I should've just stayed in the closet to everyone but a few friends. Then I could've worked on my voice in secret without embarrassing myself every time I spoke to someone; same goes for fashion and my face. And I'd be able to use gendered bathrooms without feeling like a fugitive!
Of course, this isn't just a grandma thing, even though she's the worst offender. My friends and acquaintances slip up frequently, and strangers never gender me correctly. I'm constantly being reminded that I'm defective, how I'm lucky to have people around me who'll at least pretend I'm a girl for my sake even though I'm not and never will be. Male puberty has already done its damage, and the terrible effort of voice training and intensive surgeries are the only hopes I have of mitigating it.
I want to kill myself because I never got the chance to just… be me, and I don't think I ever will, and that ruins every good thing in my life (even though there are several other reasons I don't like my life, but those are for future posts hehe). Am I a woman with a messed-up body or a man with a messed-up brain? Doesn't matter. Nothing can change the fact that I was born wrong and didn't realize until it it was too late. Maybe if I figured out I was trans way earlier I could've been happy, but as it stands I'm on the verge of tears every time I see an old photo of myself.
Another thing I wanted to rant about was a very significant effect of feminizing HRT: "emotional expansion," which basically means I went from crying once every few months to more than once a week. My anxiety has gotten way worse; I now get a nasty stomachache whenever I'm even slightly worried about something. All my feelings, good and bad (mostly bad), are so intense now and I'm finding it really hard to deal with. Mentally I'm in grad school but emotionally I'm in middle school.
I can't talk about any of this with people I know irl because it'll go against a sorta narrative about being trans that I feel pressured to maintain. I'm supposed to be happier now that I'm out of the closet. I was supposed to instantly feel a mental fog lift upon starting HRT. I have to be on board with being a woman 100% of the time even when I'm too depressed to put the effort into hair and makeup and clothes that's required to even have a chance at passing. I have to laugh off every misgendering and tell people it's fine and that they're Not Bad People for screwing up even though I'm hanging on by a thread and the only thing that can distract me from how invalidated they make me feel is fantasizing about taking SN.
Would killing myself make trans people look bad? I keep seeing posts on other websites saying I need to stay strong and stay alive, so as to not let the bigots win, but I dunno, I'm pretty much ready to throw in the towel. I think the bigots can have this one. I'm worried that people will see how depressed I've gotten since coming out, culminating in me killing myself, and blame it on my identity instead of how everyone else sees it. Would my suicide make people who knew me turn transphobic? I hope not. I hope people get really sad for a while, get over it, and then do their best to support the other trans people in their lives. The stuff I've said about myself - that I'm defective, appropriating labels, can't change the body I'm born with, etc. - are things that I'd never say to another trans person. I want the best for my community but I can't go on myself.
That's all I think :3 Thanks for reading.
