Venting i hate being lonely

[jisi]

i don't really have any remotely interesting things to say in this post. this is just it. to be honest, i regret not killing myself far earlier. i've always forced myself to live in hopes of my situation improving, but every day it always seems that reality hits me even harder than the day before. my life is so miserably uneventful. i don't have any friends, my family refuses to acknowledge me, and i have things that i'm passionate about but i know that they will go absolutely nowhere.

i'm still technically a teenager and it's kind of weird to think about how these are supposed to be the best years of my life other than my childhood. however, my childhood was rough so i've always had the mindset that these years would be some sort of compensation for it for some ungodly reason. i've tried to enjoy them. i really have. but it's hard to do anything when nobody cares. i feel like if i were to cry, scream, yell, reach out, or anything for that matter, i'd only be able to notice an overbearing amount of the absence of a response in lieu of an actual one.

it's tiring. i know it's delusional of me to even have the slightest thought that i'm worthy enough to be acknowledged, but deep down i just want to be loved. i want to be cared for, i want to have friends, i want to find love. whenever i see my peers having fun together, i find it sweet, and it makes me glad that others can find comfort and enjoyment in being around each other, especially considering how bleak my world views typically are. but it also feels like there's a knife going through my chest whenever i have the perpetual realisation that i could never have that. i have the feeling that i was never made to be loved; i feel as if i lack every single attribute that you could apply to someone that would make them appear to be loveable. it's getting harder to silence the part of me who longs for a connection with at least someone, despite me knowing that it's impossible.

for the past few years i've confined myself to only writing and drawing. it's difficult to see any value in it whatsoever. say, even if i were to craft the most beautifully well- written story accompanied with the most jaw-dropping artwork in existence (in which i highly doubt i'd be able to do, i'm mediocre at best), what would all it be for? what would it mean if there were to be not a single witness? nothing. absolutely nothing. that's how i feel about anything i could do. yes, love yourself, you're your own best company or whatever, but as a social creature, your value is definitely based on whatever others make it out to be. for me, it happens to be a whole lot of nothing. every thought i have, anything i could produce, and every action i take are all meaningless. all assets of me are going to die when i die. i'm honestly clueless on what to make out of it.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

There isn't anything delusional about wanting to be acknowledged. That's completely normal and it's something that you don't need to meet to a certain degree of "worthiness" to feel. Humans are social creatures and thus many of us naturally crave the campionianship and acknowledgment of others.

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

We all want to be loved, acknowledged and not lonely, as by fact, we are humans, social creatures that want to live with others most of the part; sadly, it is often the society that makes us go deep into these never ending holes of misery, loneliness, despair and death. We get rejected, stereotypes are made, and those sometimes match us, thus we are made fun of, we are hated, and we are not cared about, as we cannot progress further. The society wants to keep going, gain more wealth, power, comfort, evolution and technology and shit. Hope you finally get your well deserved rest, just as much as everybody else on SaSu.

 

[DaveNotSleeping]

As the others have said there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting affection or really any positive affirmation from family or friends. I'm sorry this is something you've been having to deal with for a while now. Feeling alone or abandoned is absolutely awful. The way I've always described it is when you get into that mindset of "nobody likes me, why would they?" it's like you're backing yourself into a corner with no way out. I've had these feelings for a while now. I just wish I had some insight I could give you to make things better or at least a little easier. I know it's a cliche, but please try to be kinder to yourself. You're doing the best you can with what you have.

I'm just a stranger on the internet, but I sincerely believe that everybody is capable of being loved. Including you. You just have to find the right people. That takes effort and I'm sure that any amount of effort put into something that has repeatedly failed in the past seems like a waste of time. So I fully understand the apprehension when it comes to trying.

I have noticed in your posts here that you're a very well spoken person. I'm sure that comes through in the writing that you do as well. And you don't have to of course, but I'm sure there a lots of people here that would love to see anything you're willing to share. Be that art or creative writing.