My life is TORTURE! I am destroyed physically and psychologically from psych meds! I have spent the last year pacing in circles and drooling and googling how to kill myself....I watch the clock so I can take my pill every night that allows me to eat something, then sleep for 3 hours. Then I spend hours trying to figure out how to calm down, how I will ever look or act normal again...how to support myself..How to eat food without a pill,,how to get more than one hour of sleep without taking mountains of drugs..over and over ! I am going to be living on the street. I can no longer drive or leave the house. I need to CTB...every method is so hard to obtain or too hard for me to do because of my phsyical disabilities!!!!
pthnrdnojvsc
Extreme Pain is much worse than people know
- Aug 12, 2019
- 3,574
Me too I hate being alive
I need to and want to suicide asap
But they made me hiring someone to help me with my suicide a crime to keep me a slave in this prison
I have a horrible life beyond all imagination
But they say no that we have to keep suffering extremely in this hell
I ask why do i have to keep suffering?
Why do I have to live another minute? There is no reason
But Even if i didn't have so many problems and had what most consider a good life I would still want my suicide asap to reach Non-existence forever asap
To me eternal Non-existence is the ultimate perfection
Imagine the best life or thing
To me Permanent Non-existence is a septillion times better because in that best life there exists the probability of extreme suffering, bad memories etc : I can visualize it .Non-existence forever is the only guarantee of never suffering
I need to and want to suicide asap
But they made me hiring someone to help me with my suicide a crime to keep me a slave in this prison
I have a horrible life beyond all imagination
But they say no that we have to keep suffering extremely in this hell
I ask why do i have to keep suffering?
Why do I have to live another minute? There is no reason
But Even if i didn't have so many problems and had what most consider a good life I would still want my suicide asap to reach Non-existence forever asap
To me eternal Non-existence is the ultimate perfection
Imagine the best life or thing
To me Permanent Non-existence is a septillion times better because in that best life there exists the probability of extreme suffering, bad memories etc : I can visualize it .Non-existence forever is the only guarantee of never suffering
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Alexandra0
Don't Fear the Reaper
- Sep 30, 2023
- 536
I'm sorry your life is so painful. I too exist in a real nightmare in reality
I'm so sorry for your situation. This is what scares me about psyche meds.
If it's not too personal, may I ask- if you could go back in time, would you avoid taking them? Did they make you aware of the risks when they prescibed them?
If it's not too personal, may I ask- if you could go back in time, would you avoid taking them? Did they make you aware of the risks when they prescibed them?
When I was on them I would do the same. It's so fucked up by the way. I'll try to describe it; I don't disagree that they CAN be useful but here is my experience.
I was on abilify (using it's more known name) 30mg because nothing was working, I tried over dozen meds and they were all sugar pills basically, abilify in that dosage was different. I have never had mania, I have never had psychosis and I don't have schizophrenia. They were given as an alternative treatment for depression. I had back spasms, I would pace around , I COULDN'T FINISH A YOUTUBE VIDEO AT TIMES. I would watch 5 minutes of it , calmly sit up from my desk and go to the bed, sit in it for 2 minutes and go back to my computer, repeat until sleep. I did this for a month and a half. I would go to random walks that would give me no feeling, I knew I wasn't well, I couldn't scream or get angry or do anything, even when I tried I'd just raise my voice and that's all I could do, I couldn't actually get angry.
I quit by halfing the dose and then going cold turkey. I started being able to do shit again even if it was my old routine. I actually could sit and watch a video to the end or get angry , scream, etc. The med is classified as an anti psychotic yet I was given it as an alternative for "depression" and the doctor advised against me going off of it, I choose to go off it and I don't regret it. Eastern Europe btw. I don't actually have a chemical imbalance as far as I know; I did get diagnosed with ADHD (from another psychiatrist, another story) but the meds didn't work, I did all three available meds for 7 weeks each, no change, like literally nothing.
At most every single med that I tried affected my pissing capabilities in one way or another (it literally hurt my kidneys to piss on sertraline and I felt like an 80 year old man doing it), it affected my mouth by making it dry as shit , gave me headaches, more back spasms or akathisia (that went away thankfully); basically did all the nasty stuff physically and didn't give me anything mentally.
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unluckysadness
Student
- Jul 9, 2025
- 181
I feel you. Same torture for me since a very long time. I'm disabled too with social isolation. My psychiatrist gave me a lot of pills but I didn't take 1/4 of them because I know the side effects. If your psychiatrist gives you neuroleptics for example, it can be very harmful. Most people are not aware of what these drugs can do. Personally, when I try a new drug, I take 1/4 of the pill at the beginning, to see how my body reacts. I'm very sensitive to everything, and psychiatrists give too much amount doses. I don't like doctors and I have good reasons for it. if you want to PM I'm here. Peace 
I have always had OCD, anxiety, and insomnia...took xanax, valium, etc for YEARs. No problems. The BAD one was (and still is ) CRIPPLING insomnia. Was taking up to 25 ambiens a night for YEARS! Still googling what to take every night to sleep!!
OMG!! That is awful!ANd now they gave me Seroquel...tried a bit last night...after spending hours online researching side effects! Now it's almost time for me to take my one xanax...and already panicking!!!
I HATE life....I just want to OD!
You are so sweet! I will follow youI feel you. Same torture for me since a very long time. I'm disabled too with social isolation. My psychiatrist gave me a lot of pills but I didn't take 1/4 of them because I know the side effects. If your psychiatrist gives you neuroleptics for example, it can be very harmful. Most people are not aware of what these drugs can do. Personally, when I try a new drug, I take 1/4 of the pill at the beginning, to see how my body reacts. I'm very sensitive to everything, and psychiatrists give too much amount doses. I don't like doctors and I have good reasons for it. if you want to PM I'm here. Peace
I meant to reply to you ..did it work?
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Why are they giving you a cocktail of drugs for sleep? Have you done a sleep study? like the physical thing where they hook you up to see what happens when you sleep?
I also have problems with sleep and I've reconciled that for the remained of my life, 5 days or 50 days or whatever it is , I will sleep only when I'm so tired that I literally can't go on anymore. Now this for a future CTB practitioner isn't a problem but it would be if you'd want to go on with life as you kind of need a sleep schedule.
I say this because while OCD and anxiety are extremely harsh to deal with. Insomnia as a whole can cause anxiety in the first place and even if you have anxiety regardless of insomnia it just worsens the already existing anxiety , OCD can also cause insomnia but you say that it's not that big of a problem. Like they are treating you in the worst way possible; can it not be discussed, ask for alternative treatments or if it's possible a sleep study might help.
Can you discuss against Quetiapine if you already have a sleeping med (valium and xanax...) , WTF are they giving you double benzodiazepine and AN anti psychotic ESPECIALLY THESE 3? wtf are they doing it will make you feel like shit. Some doctors just don't give a fuck I guess, can you not get any other doctors? genuinely asking, I'm not even joking.
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I haven't slept without a sleeping pill since i was like 87 years old...have stayed awake for 3 weeks once...first time i tried to CTB.
Can't do sleep study now, because I am agoraphobic
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 44,137
I also hate existing and find it so torturous to suffer in this cruel, futile existence, all I want is to be gone, it really sounds like you've suffered so much and I see so much cruelty in how there isn't the option to just cease existing that is guaranteed with no more suffering, it's really so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing with no limit as to how much agony one can feel, I hope you find the peace you search for, I wish you the best.
