Venting I had opportunities in life but wasted them

[sangfroid]

I have been incredibly lucky compared to most people, I got to go to university and should have been "successful" or at least just average, but I have never managed to make anything of my life. I let abusive people totally destroy any confidence I might have had and let mental illness completely take over me. The last 12+ years I have constantly been battling the overwhelming urge of just wanting to die because there is no point in me being alive and there becomes even less of a reason with each passing day. I already attempted to do it in 2009 but was discovered before it could take effect.

I could have got a proper job if I hadn't been ruined by depression, anxiety, rejection and self destruction but the longer I went without one the more impossible it has become to explain why I haven't worked in so long. I could never face trying to get any kind of benefits and having people at the job centre tell me off for being worthless, i do that enough myself. Nobody wants to hire someone as fucked up as me. I graduated in 2012 and have no good explanation for why I haven't done anything useful since then.

For a long time I have been scraping by, only just about been able to make the minimum payments on my debts from being self employed but now the credit card company has told me I have been in "persistent debt" for too long and are going to stop my card and contact me about repayments. I don't spend anything on it so I don't care about that but they wanted me to pay £2000 which I simply don't have. I wasn't seriously planning on CTB in the immediate future but I think they're going to force my hand. To me there's nothing good about being alive, it's only new ways to experience pain and misery and all I can envision is the million ways it could get worse if I was homeless etc. I do realise many people have things much worse than me but I am coming to the end of my ability to cope. It's difficult when nobody really cares about you or talks to you.
I always feel immensely guilty because other people have things so much worse than I do and never got the chances that I've had. I know I'm weak.

 

[Pinkdonut]

I don't think your weak.
Reading what you wrote, I resonate alot.. I too graduated uni in 2012, I was self employed and I've never managed to do anything I deem worth while with life.
I have bipolar and eupd, and therapists try to use that excuse for why my life is the way it is but in all honesty I don't believe that's it.. I just believe I'm one of the unlucky few who just are not ment to be here. But I don't think your weak, whether you cbt or plan to cbt or decide to continue on and fight through life... You've made a choice.. and I think making a/the choice proves how strong you are.

 

[Deleted-User-0]

Don't be too harsh on yourself. Depression consumes people's lives you are not alone I also have lost tons of opportunities due to my mental health problems.

 

[sangfroid]

Thank you for the supportive comments. I was afraid to read the replies to this thread in case anyone said I was being stupid... It's just so frustrating that I let things snowball from when I was a teenager and it got worse and worse until I've ended up here where I am massively in debt, have no friends or relationships or any prospect of any and although I might be able to do a decent job for someone, nobody cares because I'm a complete disaster.

I was planning to take another shot at fighting through it but this fucking credit card is going to be the end of me.

 

[EndItQuickly]

Man, I gotta say...reading your synopsis on life is so relatable. There really is nothing good about being alive, and the pain and tedium are the only constants. I'm sorry you're in a similar boat. Depression+anxiety+self loathing make the simple things in life for most people a taxing struggle.

I guess I just wanted to chime in and say you aren't weak, considering you've made it this far. how/if we exit is up to us, and that is always under your control .

 

[sangfroid]

I'm really sorry to hear that. There's a lot that happened to me to lead to where I am now, I just hate so much how I let things snowball out of control because if I had tried to change my life earlier it might have been possible. I don't know about you but just being so alone is what really destroyed my will to live. Everything is so much harder, in terms of actual day to day functioning and mental wellbeing, when you have to face everything by yourself. I always get into depressive spirals because there is nobody around to challenge how I think about things and even though it is probably too late now, I feel like I could have changed for the better if I wasn't always keeping everything to myself.

 

[Cherrybreeze]

Just wanting to send you a hug. This was like reading about my own life, especially when you say "if you'd changed things sooner." Exactly the same for me. I've missed countless chances to right the ship, and now I'm facing the iceberg.

 

[blackpaper]

Wow what can i say, i couldve written this. i feel the same and Im living thru the same, except the debt. well, call it "luck", I live in a country with better social support but this makes it even worse, I havn´t worked a single day after I graduated in 2016, I feel guilty, useless, hopeless, a failure.

I can only reiterate, Im so thankful for this forum. Its really the first time I get to know people with similar problems,lives.

I thank you for sharing and I hope you feel a bit less lonely with your situation, as do I, knowing there are people that I think understand me and have similar experiences.

 

[DaFloof]

Like Blackpaper above, when I read your post, it resonated so powerfully with me that I actually created an account to send you my wishes of peace. Without going into details, what you describe has been the last fifteen years of my life to a 'T'.

The incessant uphill struggles are real, and backbreaking. I hope that you are able to find some peace, Sang, regardless of how you choose to go about that.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

'It's hard to dance with the devil on your back'
People don't realise that with mental illness what some take for granted is like climbing a montain every day. Alone. You just can't keep it up and it's no wonder it can go wrong. Then it's a downward spiral as you said. Doesn't matter if you were lucky or blessed it's still like pushing water uphill. Hardly surprising you may stumble.
I was the same. Lucky, blessed, excellent education, always in work. But mental health always got the better of me and left me alone to cope. Turned to booze and that destroyed my health and my life and now I'm here.
I get it and I'm sorry it's like that for you.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Hey, are you me? If you want to talk, send me a message, I'm in similar circumstances as you are.