I had one chance with the SN and now its hard to find

[lili]

Hey everyone,

When I first got SN almost a year ago back in March, I had found it very easily on the internet. It took a long time to arrive, around a month, but everything went very well despite that.

However, the attempt didn't work out because of the SI that I had, the only suicide attempt I've ever not gone through, and then my ex took it away from me and threw it.

I ordered it again a couple of months ago and it never arrived, I think its because the website discontinued it.

I just now feels so sad because, I had that one chance, and I had the SN already mixed with the water in a cup. All I had to do was drink it, and I blew it. And I've been alive since then, and I don't even know why.

I'm not supposed to be here, I should have been gone back in March. It would have been better. I just regret it so much now, I keep overdosing on pills now and I don't know what to do. I just really don't want to be here anymore but my ex boyfriend keeps watching me for suicide and all that.

I feel so trapped.

Not sure if anyone shares these sentiments. If so, feel free to express and vent here too about it. Doesn't feel right. It's pure anguish.

 

[Zaragoza]

It depends on how desperate you are for ctb. Me personally, the only thing holding me back is my family. I can't put this burden on them, so i continue living in this shithole. But if they didn't care, i would literally either hang myself or jump off a building because o don't really care about how painful it is. Pain lasts for seconds to minutes, it's better than living everyday

 

[lili]

I really do want to but I dont have access to tall buildings, have tried the rope thing but its too involved for me and so I dont know. I think Ive failed too many times to just do something irrationally although I keep doing pills. Perhaps one day I will just not wake up and that will be just fine.

 

[Capsaicin78]

had the same issue because of SI. now I'm currently searching. But there always be another source. Even if pro lifers shut it all down on the clear web, some drug dealer will pick up on a free market. After all SN is extremely cheap and can be sold at a higher price to suicidal people.

The dark net will certainly have that at some point

 

[jessisme]

Why not just get more SN?

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly understand feeling so trapped in this world, the fact that suicide is so complicated and reliable methods are so inaccessible is the only reason as to why I continue to exist. But it must be so frustrating and awful knowing that you once had a way out, I believe that those who have SN by their side right now are fortunate. I certainly hate the fact that it's so difficult to die and we shouldn't have to suffer so much in finding ways to leave. It's all just so incredibly unfair.

 

[lili]

Why not just get more SN?

I dont know how to get more SN I dont understand how to get it.