LackOfDetermination
Nothing Without Determination.
- Sep 2, 2025
- 33
Been on here a while, and although I've mentioned some of my problems, I've mostly focused on the recent ones. Well, here some of what one may consider an origin story.
Let's get the big one out of the way first. When I was not even in first grade yet, my cousin's step brother tried to strangle me to death with a pillow, and in my childish stupidity, i thoigh we were just having a pillow fight. Luckily (or unluckily) my family managed to wrestle the guy off me before he finished me off.
Tbh, i don't even remember the event, i only know of it because my family has talked about it on multiple occasions, and were usually pretty shocked when i admitted i have no recollection of it.
Now, so why am i talking about this as sime sort of backstory? Because i truly wonder if some cptsd is why i freak out whenever even a light cloth covers my mouth, or my breathing is even somewhat affected, such as when sick.
I also deal with what my family call night terrors, though the symptoms fit more to midnight panic attacks to me, as far back as i can remember. I'll give a breif description: Usually an hour to 3 hours after i go to bed I will wake up with a sudden, overwhelming sense of fear, then, sometimes either see myself in third person, or percieve normally in first person even when my eyes are closed (more on that in a sec), and usually there is a spider dangling just above me, sometimes a shadow spider with an indestinct, foggy form (quite literally in the sense that darkness rolls off it as if it were the shadow of a flame in the shape of a spider made 3d), other times just a regular old spider. Either way, once i've regained enough sense, i immediately bolt it from my bed and out of the room as if even staying in the room will kill me, but immediately calm down to a terrifying degree, as if nothing had happned, once i cross the door's threshold. Even my heartrate calms almost instantaneously, and i usually just get right back in bed and fall back asleep.
Now, about the "seeing in first person even when my eyes are closed", i mean that quite literally, as i've interacted with people during these episodes and fully recall them, while the person will tell me I'm just sleepwalking and had a nightmare while i try to explain that i'm awake, and then they'll point out that my eyes are currently closed, so i just shrug and walk away to go back to bed, too exasperated to explain that i can see them perfectly fine, so it doesn't make sense that my eyes are currently closed.
Kind of, really REALLY want to know what these "night terrors" are, and if you guys think they might be connected to the yaknow, attempt on my life before i even knew how to read.
Please share your fucked up childhood stories as well!
Let's get the big one out of the way first. When I was not even in first grade yet, my cousin's step brother tried to strangle me to death with a pillow, and in my childish stupidity, i thoigh we were just having a pillow fight. Luckily (or unluckily) my family managed to wrestle the guy off me before he finished me off.
Tbh, i don't even remember the event, i only know of it because my family has talked about it on multiple occasions, and were usually pretty shocked when i admitted i have no recollection of it.
Now, so why am i talking about this as sime sort of backstory? Because i truly wonder if some cptsd is why i freak out whenever even a light cloth covers my mouth, or my breathing is even somewhat affected, such as when sick.
I also deal with what my family call night terrors, though the symptoms fit more to midnight panic attacks to me, as far back as i can remember. I'll give a breif description: Usually an hour to 3 hours after i go to bed I will wake up with a sudden, overwhelming sense of fear, then, sometimes either see myself in third person, or percieve normally in first person even when my eyes are closed (more on that in a sec), and usually there is a spider dangling just above me, sometimes a shadow spider with an indestinct, foggy form (quite literally in the sense that darkness rolls off it as if it were the shadow of a flame in the shape of a spider made 3d), other times just a regular old spider. Either way, once i've regained enough sense, i immediately bolt it from my bed and out of the room as if even staying in the room will kill me, but immediately calm down to a terrifying degree, as if nothing had happned, once i cross the door's threshold. Even my heartrate calms almost instantaneously, and i usually just get right back in bed and fall back asleep.
Now, about the "seeing in first person even when my eyes are closed", i mean that quite literally, as i've interacted with people during these episodes and fully recall them, while the person will tell me I'm just sleepwalking and had a nightmare while i try to explain that i'm awake, and then they'll point out that my eyes are currently closed, so i just shrug and walk away to go back to bed, too exasperated to explain that i can see them perfectly fine, so it doesn't make sense that my eyes are currently closed.
Kind of, really REALLY want to know what these "night terrors" are, and if you guys think they might be connected to the yaknow, attempt on my life before i even knew how to read.
Please share your fucked up childhood stories as well!
