I got so good at lying, I tricked myself into thinking I wasn't suicidal

[justfloating]

Some of you may read this and think it means I don want to CTB at heart, it its not that.

For me, in order to be able to CTB, everyone needs to think I am 'better' so I am able to carry out my plans in the manner that I wish. I won't mentally be able to CTB it unless I can do certain things before the act. I have to put on bright smiles and talk about the future so that people don't suspect, I got so distracted by doing this that I forgot I was suicidal. It didn't last long, probably 1.5 days but I knew I was going to crash eventually, and I was right. I'm just hoping it won't be too long until I can do the things I need to to, and then get the peace I need and think I deserve at this point.

I don't know if any of you have had this ?

 

[S1mpleme]

I'm lying myself all the time that my life is great and it'll be better soon, but that's all bullshit, just illusion I made myself to keep in line with prolifers.

 

[justfloating]

I'm lying myself all the time that my life is great and it'll be better soon, but that's all bullshit, just illusion I made myself to keep in line with prolifers.

I guess everyone on here has a bit of hope that something with change, and when that hope is gone they find the courage to CTB. Thats what I'm waiting for and what the act is for, so I can get my courage

 

[Eridanos]

I don't think you should be so harsh with yourself.
It is normal to try to behave like nothing is happening inside you when you are suicidal.
You don't have to feel like you are lying to yourself because I don't think this is the case. I guess you are still in a transitioning phase where you are confused on what to do. Instead of rejecting the moments when you are not suicidal try to analyze them and see why in those moments you didn't feel as usual.

Take your time. Deciding to ctb is a huge deal after all, being confused on one's self it's totally normal.

 

[S1mpleme]

I guess everyone on here has a bit of hope that something with change, and when that hope is gone they find the courage to CTB. Thats what I'm waiting for and what the act is for, so I can get my courage

I wish I had someone around me the day I CTB, but this life so sucks that I spent my life being alone and will die alone.

 

[Going Home]

I was hoping situations would change but when people stalk you and won't stop, even online, what's the point?

I hope you find the peace you deserve.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Some of you may read this and think it means I don want to CTB at heart, it its not that.

For me, in order to be able to CTB, everyone needs to think I am 'better' so I am able to carry out my plans in the manner that I wish. I won't mentally be able to CTB it unless I can do certain things before the act. I have to put on bright smiles and talk about the future so that people don't suspect, I got so distracted by doing this that I forgot I was suicidal. It didn't last long, probably 1.5 days but I knew I was going to crash eventually, and I was right. I'm just hoping it won't be too long until I can do the things I need to to, and then get the peace I need and think I deserve at this point.

I don't know if any of you have had this ?

Many people seem to get better before they ctb; probably this is always intentional to raise no suspicions; either that or it's something like a half hearted "last straw" thing, where you try one last time to get better (or more so to rest assured that your situation is indeed hopeless). Since I have let on way too much by now I will carefully enter the same mode and pretend to get better.

 

[AlreadyGone]

I have been lying to myself for years thinking that if you put in effort and work for what you want, you can obtain it. I soon learned that you can't have everything you want no matter how much work you put into getting it.

 

[Lastravel]

Indeed, otherwise it would be suspicious. People don't let us the choice to deliberately ctb or not, but when the day comes the bigger will be the surprise.

 

[Return2Dust]

I made one last ditch effort and tried news meds and therapy. It worked for 3 months. I think I believed in hope again. The meds stopped working and now I feel worse than before. Did I trick myself into feeling better? Was it a placebo effect?

 

[AlreadyGone]

I made one last ditch effort and tried news meds and therapy. It worked for 3 months. I think I believed in hope again. The meds stopped working and now I feel worse than before. Did I trick myself into feeling better? Was it a placebo effect?

I don't know. I am a believer that meds do not work because they just put a mask on the problem. If the problem is not resolved and it still exist, you will be back to square one after the meds wear off. Just my opinion.

 

[Return2Dust]

I don't know. I am a believer that meds do not work because they just put a mask on the problem. If the problem is not resolved and it still exist, you will be back to square one after the meds wear off. Just my opinion.

Makes sense. I was working from the premise of a chemical imbalance being the problem. Are you talking about psychological issues being the problem? I can live with Lupus and early-onset Alzheimer's, I can't handle my brain trying to do me in all the time.