Venting I got just about everything off my chest to just about everyone, and somehow carrying on as normal

[lucid]

I'm just about treated like a stupid drunk. That day I said and did a lot of shit, one event nearly even got me seriously harmed or killed though unfortunately I'm still here, healthy and unharmed. I said just about everything directly to a relative that sat with me for a while, but I didn't get any kind of response I hoped for which really hurt a lot, considering what I said about literally wondering if I should kill myself at times in the past. I know I want to, especially now, it just depends on the situation. In the process I severely worried someone I didn't expect to, and it briefly snapped me out of it a bit. It's going to take me a lot to get past the feeling of guilt.
And even after all that, all said and done, it's all just casually moving along. No "we think you should get a therapist," or any visible concern, at least after previous events. I'm not looking for it, but I pick up a lot when people talk to me, and I never sense anything.
All I can do anymore is lie inside watching shit, go places when I'm needed, drink, drink some more and hope for my joke of an existence to randomly cease at any given moment. I'm tired of all of this and trying to find shit to cope.

 

[PrincessInWhite]

You deserve a therapist, you deserve help and you deserve to work on these things causing you so much pain. I'm so sorry it's like pulling fucking teeth to get any help, and I'm so sorry you've been made to feel you don't matter- you do. You always have.

 

[lucid]

It's not that I want a therapist, or that I feel I don't matter. It's that I want people or at least someone to see these things instead of trying their best to avoid it like the plague. I get it, people handle things differently, they're scared, whatever; I just want at least someone to properly talk to me. It's like this place is my sanctuary to feel normal because other people here feel a similar or the same way. Outside I'm alone.

 

[ziplockzzz]

If someone I was close to talked about suicide ideation, I would most likely be just silent too. Cause I can't convince anyone (even myself) that continuing to live on if you feel that you can't is a good idea, but OTOH I very well can't tell someone that their suicidal tendencies are in fact justified and they should act on it. So maybe that's how it was for her too?

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this, it is perfectly understandable wanting other people to listen to you. Unfortunately I think many people who do not understand what you are going through, would rather avoid talking about these topics. I can relate to feeling tired of life and just wanting it to end. I wish you well.