I got drunk and cut myself real bad

[Stroopwafel.]

I drank a lot of wine yesterday and I was pretty drunk. I do self harm for years now, but usually know exactly how to cut to not make it too deep/bad, so that I don't have to see a doctor for it.

Yesterday I got drunk tho and at around 11pm I impulsively decided to cut myself. I took this big knife and rammed it into my leg. Immediately there was a lot of blood and it looked really bad. The alcohol made me reckless and I cut too deep. I didn't even feel a bit of pain. I tried to stop the bleeding for a while, but wasn't successful. As I was getting tired (I took my sleeping meds like 30 minutes before the cut) and drunk af, I couldn't really care and went to bed.

I woke up in the middle of the night and it was still bleeding and there was a lot of blood in my bed as well at this point. I tried to stop the bleeding again and it became a bit less after a while, as long as I didn't move my leg too much. Fell asleep again. Woke up in the morning to find out it was still bleeding. So it had been bleeding for 10 hours straight now and there were no signs that it would stop bleeding soon. I didn't know what to do. I had to leave my apartment in two hours to visit my mom for her birthday. My dad would pick me up at 11.

So I finally decided to call the two people who were working at the time (I live in an institution with 24/7 care), and I told them I cut myself yesterday evening, and it was still bleeding. I really didn't wanna tell them, but yeah I couldn't leave my apartment this way and they would come to me in 1.5 hours anyways, as they always come to me at 10.30am. So they would find out anyways. My apartment was a mess and there was blood everywhere and I walked around half naked because I couldn't wear pants because of the blood. So they finally came in and they tried to fix the wound themselves, but it was too bad, so we had to go to the doctor. It needed stitches, but at this point they couldn't do that anymore because the wound was 'too old', so they eventually put a lot of shit on it and it finally stopped bleeding.

We went back home. And they were a bit upset with me I think and they were like 'why did you do this, why didn't you call us when you felt so bad?' I got a bit mad. I'm telling them for two weeks now that I can't handle the situation anymore (too long to explain what this exactly is, but I make a topic about it a while ago, but a lot more happend in the meantime https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...-it-was-so-dumb-and-naive.71275/#post-1297211) I'm telling them daily that what is going on rn is killing me. But they can't change anything about the situation. I've been reliving traumas again and again for two weeks now. It's exhausting. It's making me wanna kill myself even more. There is no 'healthy' way of coping for this situation anymore. There isn't. I can't handle it. They are not happy with my alcohol abuse and they want me to stop. But that's honestly how I cope atm. If I don't drink alcohol to cope, I don't know how to cope anymore and I might impulsive try to kill myself, and most likely fail. And that's absolutely not what I want. I do not want to fail another time, but also I do not wanna do it impulsively. But I can't handle my traumas, feelings and emotions anymore by being sober 100% of the time. The alcohol is the only way to make me 'forget' for a bit. To keep me calm. But of course I can't tell them this. I can't tell them that I'm going to kill myself soon and that I'm preparing, and drink alcohol to cope with my feelings till I'm ready to kill myself. I don't know what to do anymore.

The dude from this morning will be working again tonight when I get back (I'm at my parents house now) and he told me I need to think about it and when I get back tonight, I need to tell him why I did this. I will not do this. I do have a kinda weird relationship with this man, I'm never sure how he's gonna react or what he's gonna do and say. We can have pretty good conversations, but he can also make me feel worse and like total garbage. In this situation I'm afraid he will make me just feel worse and maybe say a lot of painful and hurtful things. I will tell him I'm too tired and I wanna go to sleep. Which is true, I'm absolutely exhausted. Also tomorrow I'm having this appointment with the girl who went to the doctor with me, to talk about yesterday and today. I really like this girl a lot and honestly she's a sweetheart, so I will talk to her. I mean I have to talk to someone in the end, but I'm really not sure what to say. I can't be honest. She wants me to quit the drinking. But I don't think I can at this point.

I think in the past two weeks I've reached my lowest point ever in life. And that says a lot about how bad I'm doing, as I've had many extremely bad periodes in the past 6.5 years. But I need to get my shit together somehow, otherwise I might end up in a psych ward again soon and that's literally the last fucking thing I want. Also my parents have no idea how bad I'm really doing and it's so hard to put on my 'happy face' all day today, but they are worried and hurt enough already, they do not deserve any more pain. So I will put on my happy face once again. And I will completely break down when I get back home. And that's the moment I will want another bottle of wine.

This became a longer vent than I actually planned it to be. I'm just feeling so bad and I don't know what to do anymore at this point. I feel bad for hurting so many people, who are trying to genuinely help me, who do genuinely care about me. I just push them away really hard since a few weeks, because the pain and trauma is too much to handle. I feel like I'm a monster. Also I'm really scared they will send me away if things don't change. (if I don't change) I don't wanna become homeless. But I'm really afraid they will send me away if my behavior/mental health doesn't improve soon. That's what usually happens, that's what happend before. I don't want it to happen again. Even though they can't help me, I like this place and the people.

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

i used to do that too, while listening to sad music..

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much, living is painful, I understand. I wish you well.

 

[mostlycloudy]

Thank you for posting. I am very sorry to hear of your troubles.

 

[BreakTheCycle]

It's always sad to hear when people have to fear consequences at their lowest points in life. It's just so fucking stupid that our society reacts like this when people stop to function in the "normal" way society wants it to be.
And pls don't blame yourself for pushing people away even if they care for you. After the sexual abuse of some1 that kinda been a father figure to me I never trusted anyone again. I just can't let other people help me when I'm at a low point or even rock bottom. Exactly at these moments i push people as far away as I can and I believe that many people with trauma do the exact same to protect themselfs even if they know there would be better ways to cope with everything. It's like an autism for people that have trauma based on other peoples action.
I wish u the very best for the upcoming stuff. When you hit rock bottom there are only 2 ways. Going back up or you know what the second1 would be. Both finger crossed that u won't choose the scond option and so it has to go back up.
And I know I'm not in the position to say that but I would love to hear that u won't keep drinking as a coping mechanism. Alcohol is just the worst stuff out there. I'd rather go down with something like H than this legal bullsh*t.
So thanks for posting I hope it helped to open up here.

 

[Auto Immunity After]

I read your post. I am so sorry that you feel so trapped and afraid. You mentioned the girl who you talk to sometimes. You just told a group of strangers your most intiimate thoughts, do you think you can be honest with her and tell her how you feel? You dont seem to trust the "guy" you have talked to in the past but I think the girl you like will listen to you and she may be able to help you sort out some of your dark thoughts. Just having somone to listen can make a world of difference. I hope you find a way to rid your inner demons, you deserve nothing less than happiness.

 

[Stroopwafel.]

Man I just came back and my apartment was a MESS when I left. Like blood fucking everywhere, lots of dishes, laundry everywhere. Now I come back and the two people working during the day completely cleaned my room. They changed my bed, did the laundry and even managed to get rid of all the blood stains in my pyjamas and bedding, they did the dishes, they put away the laundry that had been drying. (This most likely means she found my wine hiding spot as well as that's in my closet lmao)

Like the people in here are so nice and I honestly feel so bad about being a pathetic fuck like this ugh. I have a full wine bottle left and I'm very tempted to open it, but I will just take my sleeping meds and cry myself to sleep I guess. And prepare for the conversation I'm going to have tomorrow.

Also I left my notebook on the table. It's the notebook where I'm writing down my goodbye letter, which I finished about halfway now I think. I left in total panic mode this morning and I didn't think they would clean my whole apartment. I mean they said they would clean my bed and stuff. And my head was not functioning too well when I left this morning, so I never thought about that notebook still laying on the table. It looks untouched tho and even if they touched it, they most likely wouldn't have opened it, but yeah I got a bit of a scare when I entered my room and saw the notebook staring at me like that, in my all cleaned apartment.

Really the last thing I wanted to do was draw this much attention and make people even worry more and watching me more closely. But hey, even that's too hard to handle for my dumb ass I guess.

 

[Auto Immunity After]

sorry , nobody is analyzing you or trying to put you under a microscope. I personally wish you happiness, thats it, just happiness in whatever you choose

 

[Stroopwafel.]

It's always sad to hear when people have to fear consequences at their lowest points in life. It's just so fucking stupid that our society reacts like this when people stop to function in the "normal" way society wants it to be.
And pls don't blame yourself for pushing people away even if they care for you. After the sexual abuse of some1 that kinda been a father figure to me I never trusted anyone again. I just can't let other people help me when I'm at a low point or even rock bottom. Exactly at these moments i push people as far away as I can and I believe that many people with trauma do the exact same to protect themselfs even if they know there would be better ways to cope with everything. It's like an autism for people that have trauma based on other peoples action.
I wish u the very best for the upcoming stuff. When you hit rock bottom there are only 2 ways. Going back up or you know what the second1 would be. Both finger crossed that u won't choose the scond option and so it has to go back up.
And I know I'm not in the position to say that but I would love to hear that u won't keep drinking as a coping mechanism. Alcohol is just the worst stuff out there. I'd rather go down with something like H than this legal bullsh*t.
So thanks for posting I hope it helped to open up here.

Thank you so much for your kind words Yes it's definitely sad that feeling this bad often has bad consequences for us. It's so unfair. But that's life, life is unfair.

I'm so sorry to hear that happend to you, I just will never understand how people can be like that. How they can abuse and break your trust like that. It's disgusting.

I know alcohol is not a good thing. I know it only makes things worse in the end. I drew way too much attention to myself yesterday. And I know alcohol played a big part in that.

I read your post. I am so sorry that you feel so trapped and afraid. You mentioned the girl who you talk to sometimes. You just told a group of strangers your most intiimate thoughts, do you think you can be honest with her and tell her how you feel? You dont seem to trust the "guy" you have talked to in the past but I think the girl you like will listen to you and she may be able to help you sort out some of your dark thoughts. Just having somone to listen can make a world of difference. I hope you find a way to rid your inner demons, you deserve nothing less than happiness.

Thanks for your kind words I just came back and luckily the guy didn't really ask/talk too much about it. We chatted for a few minutes and then he gave me my pills and left.

I don't think I can be really honest with her, as I'm pretty sure that will be my ticket to the psych ward and I really don't wanna go there ever again.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

Drink is my cope too.