Idk, I go back and forth on whether I regret being born to some degree.
I haven't had many happy things in my life. But I have had some. I have experienced some moments of true joy and contentment. Most of them with my first and fourth girlfriends.
I've also experienced a lot of bad things though. And I'm in a lot of emotional pain. So I feel I may have to end it. And the idea of confronting non-existence really scares me. So I have trouble with that.
The main reason I guess I wish I hadn't been born is because then I wouldn't have to confront non-existence. I'd just... not have existed. And that would've been so much nicer. Confronting non-existence as someone who exists is so hard.
That being said, if I'd never been born I also wouldn't have experienced those few happy moments I did have. And some of them were pretty great. Standing in the audience at a music festival with my first girlfriend in my arms listening to Coldplay. A sunny day where me and my first girlfriend went on a trip with her father's speed boat and she fell asleep in my arms that evening. And the time when me and my fourth girlfriend sat in front of the big screen at another festival, her in my arms and the sun setting over the lake at my side.
They were wonderful moments. And I do think that, ultimately, they were worth being born for. At least as far as counter-balancing the suffering goes.
It's just that non-existence. That freaking non-existence. That's what makes me doubt whether it would've been better if I'd never been born. Because if I'd never been born then I wouldn't have to ever confront it.
I haven't had many happy things in my life. But I have had some. I have experienced some moments of true joy and contentment. Most of them with my first and fourth girlfriends.
I've also experienced a lot of bad things though. And I'm in a lot of emotional pain. So I feel I may have to end it. And the idea of confronting non-existence really scares me. So I have trouble with that.
The main reason I guess I wish I hadn't been born is because then I wouldn't have to confront non-existence. I'd just... not have existed. And that would've been so much nicer. Confronting non-existence as someone who exists is so hard.
That being said, if I'd never been born I also wouldn't have experienced those few happy moments I did have. And some of them were pretty great. Standing in the audience at a music festival with my first girlfriend in my arms listening to Coldplay. A sunny day where me and my first girlfriend went on a trip with her father's speed boat and she fell asleep in my arms that evening. And the time when me and my fourth girlfriend sat in front of the big screen at another festival, her in my arms and the sun setting over the lake at my side.
They were wonderful moments. And I do think that, ultimately, they were worth being born for. At least as far as counter-balancing the suffering goes.
It's just that non-existence. That freaking non-existence. That's what makes me doubt whether it would've been better if I'd never been born. Because if I'd never been born then I wouldn't have to ever confront it.
