Venting I get so pessimistic.

[Pancake]

It'll get better they say, but I don't see how. Turning my situation around doesn't seem possible, in part because a lot of my problems stem from me. I used to think as long as I kept trying and pushing through it'll get better eventually, but now I don't even have the spirit to get out of bed.

Taking a step back and looking at my life objectively, it isn't that bad. But I can't stop dwelling on the past. I know myself well enough to know that I'm eventually going to make the same mistakes. I don't what to hurt anybody, but I do, and it's all my fault. I feel so terribly guilty, I can't help but blame everything on myself. Who else am I supposed to blame? If it isn't them, it must be me. I'm trying to piece together what I'm doing wrong but sometimes I still can't understand. I really want to say 'I'm sorry'; they don't have to accept my apology, I just want them to know, I'm so terribly sorry.

I wanted to talk about my pessimistic tendencies, but I got off-track. Oopsies.

 

[puppet_nihilist]

It's hard to live with nothing to blame as a cause for our mistakes and suffering. It doesn't apply to every situation, but I certainly relate. When you're the cause of your own suffering and the suffering of others around you and you don't even understand why it keeps happening it becomes easy to conclude that you're some sort of error or anomaly that shouldn't have existed. I feel like apologizing a lot always not for forgiveness but simply because I'm genuinely sorry I exist. I relate exactly to what you wrote

 

[LaVieEnRose]

How you have you hurt people?

 

[Archness]

easy to conclude that you're some sort of error or anomaly that shouldn't have existed.

This. I'm just a low-quality person. Perhaps it's my environment, I don't really fit with it, but that's a "me problem". People aren't 100% malleable, they can't just become what others/themselves wished they where.

It really is hopeless when you're simply defective. In nature, and even the modern world, such garbage is to perish.

 

[Pancake]

How you have you hurt people?

I was part of a very manipulative crowd. I've told people to commit self-harm and depreciated them. If I could someone take back everything I said I would. No amount of apologizing could make up for what I said to these people.

I've hurt people I loved too. I was too obsessive and too dependent on them. It made them uncomfortable, but I didn't realize that. When we parted I left remarks I wish I never said. Every time I recall the altercation I feel like sinking to the bottom of the world. I said borderline manipulative things in the hopes they would stay. It must've hurt. I'm terribly ashamed.

...and many other little things. The accumulation of every moment I couldn't shut up makes me feel so guilty. Like that homophobic joke I made to my trans friend. The indifference of my tone when my relative came to me, so obviously excited. I wish I could redo all of it. I wish it so badly.