I get sick of venting to people and even sicker of "reaching out for help"

[finalrequiem]

I've talked for years about how unhappy I am with being alive to any friends who will listen. I've been on medication off and on for like 15 years. I go to therapy.

I spent last week at a crisis center because I promised someone I would try to reach out if I very strongly felt like I was going to end it. Where did that get me? A week wasted under constant supervision and then dumped back at my house feeling no better. What is the point of reaching out, genuinely?

I'm so fucking tired and sad and angry. I don't have anything to live for and every time I try to talk to friends or any kind of support system I'm left feeling no better. If anything, I just feel more awkward to have mentioned such heavy feelings to people I care about.

I've began making it clear it's not a matter of if I will end my life, it's a matter of when at this point. Every day is spent in disinterest and irritation. I didn't ask to be born, I didn't ask to be forced to participate in society, I genuinely don't believe I should have to work to afford basic necessities. I don't want to be here and I wish it wasn't so taboo to say honestly.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hate how we exist in this society where suicide isn't accepted as a valid option, the view that people must continue to suffer no matter what really is so cruel to me. But anyway I understand why you'd feel so tired of it all, I get that it's dreadful having to suffer in this existence when you just wish to be gone.