Venting I genuinely don't know why I'm still going

[deep_end]

I feel im just on autopilot. Every day I'm still doing everything normal, but at night I'm always planning to ctb. I bought my SN weeks ago. I have it with me right now. I don't have a single reason why I'm not trying to use it right now. I've given up, but my body is just on autopilot. Its just doing everything I'm supposed to do every single day normally but I don't feel in control. I look completely normal. I actually completely normal. Why haven't I pushed myself further to go along with it? Am I waiting for a better day? I have no idea. I just want it to be over

 

[FuneralCry]

At least having the SN means you have the option for when the time is right, I imagine it must be such a relief having access to that. But anyway I wish you the best.