Venting I fucking hate having BPD

[maggotsfromjez]

It's been ruining my life for years now and I don't know what to do about it. The healthcare system in my country is straight ass so the waiting time for therapy is like a month between each session, so I'm barely getting help. I've had so many instances where I've tried to end myself over something as small as a rejection from a friend. I hate having this mental disorder. I hate that I take everything so hard, I hate that my go-to reaction whenever anything happens is to try to kill myself. The thing is, I think this is bad and I would be mad as fuck if someone else was like this. But it's like my condition completely takes over me and my personal values don't even reflect themselves in my actions. I just wish I could live normally. I shouldn't attempt to hang myself every time I face some sort of challenge in my relationships.

 

[Rhizomorph1]

Your BPD is not a measure of "you" as evidently you don't want to be like this. That's the unfortunate part of mental illness is that it robs us of our ability to be ourselves.

I don't know if it's any consolation but I know you are not your disorder. However, I sympathize with how hard it must be to have something that dictates so much of your emotions and behaviours and causes so much pain. I know the "you" that is beyond the BPD is a really incredible person

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I know exhausting it is. So I guess by therapy you mean DBT? Why would they administer it only once a month when it is supposed to be an intense program?

 

[cultpup]

same here. all of my friends terrify me, and when i avoid them it hurts them and when i don't it hurts me. they say and they probably truly do care about me but even small mistakes in communication flips my entire world. and they know, and i do tell them about it and it eases the situation, but that doesn't mean it's not going to happen again and again and again. i feel completely out of control of my own mind. though recovery is completely possible, it's not like the healthcare system makes it within reach for people like us. it's really hard. i understand what you mean.

 

[itsnotalwayssunny]

Same here, my symptoms have become a joke to my friends and family. It's not fear of abandonment it's, desire at this point. My fantasy is I can just leave and start again alone, but I know I'll take it all with me because I've done it more than once. It is the worst illness but still treated like it's completely your fault it sickens me. BPD is the result of abuse and to hate someone with the condition is victim blaming. I'm with you people's perception of it is horrible we're often portrayed as bad people without people knowing our past.

And,
Trust me they ain't living normally they've just got a better poker faces. BPDS Experience emotions NORMALLY don't be ashamed of that.

 

[Strawberry Moon]

Fellow BPD sufferer here. This condition is nothing but debilitating and I hate how much people feel the need to walk on eggshells around me at all times in fear of triggering an explosive response. There is not one single positive that comes from this shit. I'm in therapy but it's doing nothing for me and DBT isn't available in my area. It's hard not to feel defined by something that impacts every area of your life. You're not alone.

 

[DyingToDie123]

I've written about here, I used to think I had BPD and then things happened and everyone started telling me I had BPD and now I'm like NOPE you're wrong lol because my brain is like that. But the symptoms that I do have, they suck, even if they make life a little more interesting than when I was less BPDish.

 

[SanguineShark]

It's been ruining my life for years now and I don't know what to do about it. The healthcare system in my country is straight ass so the waiting time for therapy is like a month between each session, so I'm barely getting help. I've had so many instances where I've tried to end myself over something as small as a rejection from a friend. I hate having this mental disorder. I hate that I take everything so hard, I hate that my go-to reaction whenever anything happens is to try to kill myself. The thing is, I think this is bad and I would be mad as fuck if someone else was like this. But it's like my condition completely takes over me and my personal values don't even reflect themselves in my actions. I just wish I could live normally. I shouldn't attempt to hang myself every time I face some sort of challenge in my relationships.

I also have diagnosed BPD, I know how fucking horrible it's like to live with this disorder. I'm constantly in emotional pain and whenever I get triggered, I just get suicidal. What also fucking adds to the pain, if having the disorder wasn't enough, is the stigma people who have no empathy create around it. Some people legit think that borderlines can't feel love!! Like wtf is going on on this planet??? Scientists described BPD as one of the most painful mental disorders, and I think it's 100% correct.

 

[Kobusu]

Yeah living with BPD is quite literally a living hell, I totally understand. A lot of people also don't seem to understand it or be willing to try and understand it. I think it's because of how it causes people to behave. I think there's a fine balance between others being understanding of the condition and us having to regulate ourselves, but genuinely it makes everything so much unnecessarily harder.

 

[undecided]

Fellow BPD'er here. I relate to everything you're all saying. Romantic relationships are a real struggle for me, but family and friends I struggle with as well. I've pushed everyone away, I have nobody now. In some ways it's easier to live with now I have nobody who cares for me, but I'm so lonely.

 

[mothercoin]

I have BPD and i know how kuch it sucks. It makes me feel and act so selfish and incapable. My will to live is completely gone from it. Even if I do my best and do everything right its unlikely I will be able to have any stability in my life/stable relationships. I dont see the point in doing anything anymore. I know ctb is going to hurt my family a lot but I refuse to be alive anymore. Logic is out the window for me

 

[Oathkeeper]

I got diagnosed earlier this year, and at the very least that diagnosis really helped explain a lot of the chaos and tragedy of my life. Doesn't really make me feel any better about it though. I have completely destroyed so many of my important relationships and friendships due to my impulsive decisions that I immediately regret, and my ugly words that could not be less reflective of what I actually feel towards my loved ones. My heart is just shattered from all of the losses I've accrued in the last 5 years, but especially in the last year in particular.

The few friends and family members I have left in my life are just getting weary and sick of dealing with my elevated emotions. I don't blame them. Though they always say otherwise when I talk about my SI, I just know all of them would be so much better off without me around to hurt them, whether from my actions, or just the sheer weight of being near my negative emotions.

At this point I feel as though I'm defined by my misery. I don't see any future, I've lost all hope, and I feel absolutely worthless no matter how many people I know care about me. Just want to go back in time and change so many things.