Noct
L'appel du vide
- Sep 1, 2024
- 14
I fucking despise having bulimia. Having an ED would have been fine if It had just been Anorexia but no, I had to fucking develop the classic binge purge cycle that kills me.
I love my restriction cycles. They may dull out my brain until my stupidity gets so bad I'm no better than roadkill but I feel so alive. I finally fit better into my skin and finally feel like I'm accomplishing something. I get to watch the numbers finally rack down and see my ribs stand out and fit into clothes that I bought stupidly when in a good restriction cycle.
And then... I binge. Sometimes it's because of the hunger and urges, others it's fucking eating out my feelings or dysphoria or any number of things when I'm too weak to cut or burn, can't stand being around anyone, and feel so restless in my body and mind needing to escape that I find something to fill that void for me and drown everything out with the mad rush and repetitive motion of eating.
And then I keep eating even when I feel full and sick and disgusting and delirious and nauseous and disfigured and disgusted at myself. I just can't fucking stop eating. Its a hideous thing. Sometimes others cant even tell, and sometimes I'm so glutenous and deranged I have to sequester and binge in the safety in my own home, or in the dead of night or random breaks or random intervals just to hide this terrible horrifying undesired unbidden ritual. Not that that helps with the self loathing and absolute disgust I feel. Can you tell I just came out of a binge? I wish I could kill myself by cutting open my stomach and spilling all the contents of my guts out, that way I can guarantee better than checking my purging puke for all the foods I consumed and if they have left my system. I'm so grotesque and horrifyingly-everything I feel my body should never be. I hate being trans and I hate having body image issues other than dysphoria stacked on top of dysphoria. It's awful and insanity inducing, and a never ending cycle of pure agony. My life revolves entirely around food, my body, and if I'm passing.
And sometimes I can't even purge. I feel so tired and bogged down or dissociative I cant even get myself to do more than lay on the cool tile floor or pass out. Sometimes I just want to punish myself and push myself into a panic attack so I can get out of my binge. Or other times, I purge too late and all I get up is acidic liquified version of the food that burns my throat so badly I can't speak for days afterward (depending if I purge multiple times in a day). Those days are the worst. Today is one of those gods forsaken days and I want to die. I cant handle living in my mind or body or feeling bloating and the horror of seeing the sheer amount of things I ate without even registering.
I want to be able to just restrict without the binging so god damn badly. I know the only way to fix the binging is to fix my eating but I cannot live without restricting and I cannot restrict without the binging (I've learned from years of fighting the urges, and denial, and trial and error, so much error, and then cutting, and purging, and pain, and bile, and weight fluctuation, and body imbalances).
I want to be dead so damn badly. I'm too weak, pathetic, worthless, ungrateful, and disgusting to live, and yet too scared of failure and of pushing the two people I care wholeheartedly about (and unreasonably have stuck round me) to their own deaths to die. At this point today all I can hope is that someone understand my living hell as I am unable to kill myself sucessfully even if I wanted to tonight.
I love my restriction cycles. They may dull out my brain until my stupidity gets so bad I'm no better than roadkill but I feel so alive. I finally fit better into my skin and finally feel like I'm accomplishing something. I get to watch the numbers finally rack down and see my ribs stand out and fit into clothes that I bought stupidly when in a good restriction cycle.
And then... I binge. Sometimes it's because of the hunger and urges, others it's fucking eating out my feelings or dysphoria or any number of things when I'm too weak to cut or burn, can't stand being around anyone, and feel so restless in my body and mind needing to escape that I find something to fill that void for me and drown everything out with the mad rush and repetitive motion of eating.
And then I keep eating even when I feel full and sick and disgusting and delirious and nauseous and disfigured and disgusted at myself. I just can't fucking stop eating. Its a hideous thing. Sometimes others cant even tell, and sometimes I'm so glutenous and deranged I have to sequester and binge in the safety in my own home, or in the dead of night or random breaks or random intervals just to hide this terrible horrifying undesired unbidden ritual. Not that that helps with the self loathing and absolute disgust I feel. Can you tell I just came out of a binge? I wish I could kill myself by cutting open my stomach and spilling all the contents of my guts out, that way I can guarantee better than checking my purging puke for all the foods I consumed and if they have left my system. I'm so grotesque and horrifyingly-everything I feel my body should never be. I hate being trans and I hate having body image issues other than dysphoria stacked on top of dysphoria. It's awful and insanity inducing, and a never ending cycle of pure agony. My life revolves entirely around food, my body, and if I'm passing.
And sometimes I can't even purge. I feel so tired and bogged down or dissociative I cant even get myself to do more than lay on the cool tile floor or pass out. Sometimes I just want to punish myself and push myself into a panic attack so I can get out of my binge. Or other times, I purge too late and all I get up is acidic liquified version of the food that burns my throat so badly I can't speak for days afterward (depending if I purge multiple times in a day). Those days are the worst. Today is one of those gods forsaken days and I want to die. I cant handle living in my mind or body or feeling bloating and the horror of seeing the sheer amount of things I ate without even registering.
I want to be able to just restrict without the binging so god damn badly. I know the only way to fix the binging is to fix my eating but I cannot live without restricting and I cannot restrict without the binging (I've learned from years of fighting the urges, and denial, and trial and error, so much error, and then cutting, and purging, and pain, and bile, and weight fluctuation, and body imbalances).
I want to be dead so damn badly. I'm too weak, pathetic, worthless, ungrateful, and disgusting to live, and yet too scared of failure and of pushing the two people I care wholeheartedly about (and unreasonably have stuck round me) to their own deaths to die. At this point today all I can hope is that someone understand my living hell as I am unable to kill myself sucessfully even if I wanted to tonight.
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