I finally gave up

[That's Not Me]

I am back to not being able to study, not going to the gym anymore, not talking to people, not eating properly, and I am back to feeling that people are disgusted by me. I feel trapped inside my own body. It sucks to be responsible again. I really want to die now. I'm thinking about what I'm going to tell my therapist on Thursday. I went back to look for the note I wrote last year and I'm already putting the new topics I'm going to cover in the note. I wish I had never tried again, so I wouldn't have to update the letter and put new people in it. That's it. I lost the fight against the part of me that wanted to die. It was hard to admit that I lost this fight, since I put so much effort into winning, but I guess there is no point (and no way) in not giving myself up now. The part of me that wanted to live is very tiny now, and it feels bad that it lost, although it doesn't feel surprised.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound really tiring what you've been through and it's certainly very much understandable wishing to finally be free from all the suffering that existing brings. But anyway, I wish you the best.

 

[MusicEnjoyer:D]

I feel the same way.... Such a heavy burden.

 

[NoLightRemains]

I am back to not being able to study, not going to the gym anymore, not talking to people, not eating properly, and I am back to feeling that people are disgusted by me. I feel trapped inside my own body. It sucks to be responsible again. I really want to die now. I'm thinking about what I'm going to tell my therapist on Thursday. I went back to look for the note I wrote last year and I'm already putting the new topics I'm going to cover in the note. I wish I had never tried again, so I wouldn't have to update the letter and put new people in it. That's it. I lost the fight against the part of me that wanted to die. It was hard to admit that I lost this fight, since I put so much effort into winning, but I guess there is no point (and no way) in not giving myself up now. The part of me that wanted to live is very tiny now, and it feels bad that it lost, although it doesn't feel surprised.

I can relate... It feels like it's nearing the end of a long war with myself. The part that wants to die vs the parts that want to live. I don't regret trying as long as I have, I just wasn't ready then. Sorry your efforts haven't worked out.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I'm sorry for what you are going through, I wish you are the best with whatever decision you will end up taking. Take it easy….

 

[leavingsoon99]

I'm so sorry.

 

[Ontwon]

I am back to not being able to study, not going to the gym anymore, not talking to people, not eating properly, and I am back to feeling that people are disgusted by me. I feel trapped inside my own body. It sucks to be responsible again. I really want to die now. I'm thinking about what I'm going to tell my therapist on Thursday. I went back to look for the note I wrote last year and I'm already putting the new topics I'm going to cover in the note. I wish I had never tried again, so I wouldn't have to update the letter and put new people in it. That's it. I lost the fight against the part of me that wanted to die. It was hard to admit that I lost this fight, since I put so much effort into winning, but I guess there is no point (and no way) in not giving myself up now. The part of me that wanted to live is very tiny now, and it feels bad that it lost, although it doesn't feel surprised.

I feel this very hard, in a similar place. Not sure if/when something will come along that makes me want to try again. Or just finally end it

 

[That's Not Me]

Thank you all for the kind words, as always. I am sorry that so many understand. I wish that everyone will find their own slices of happiness, however many will search until they are too old.

 

[The anhedonic one]

Sounds like you have finally reached the bottom of the pit of despair.
I am there too.
I like it here because I don't want to get better anymore.
I am already dead inside.
All I have to do now is kill my body.
The abyss calls my name.