I finally began writing my letters.

[TydalWave]

Writing this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

As dark and as low as I have been these past weeks, I haven't shed a tear until writing this.

It is clear to me.

I am not afraid of death.​

I am not afraid of the pain.​

I am not afraid of what's after.​

But I am deeply afraid of how I will impact my loved ones when I go.

I feel incredible shame and guilt for not being able to have these conversations while alive. Because they deserve them, but it cannot happen that way. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could take this suffering and I wish I could be there for them and share my love, ideas and creativity.

But I cannot survive anymore in this glass house.

 

[jodes2]

You can have virtually any conversation you want - with the single exception of saying finally when you're about to CTB because then they can intervene as you do it. But I highly suggest you have every last conversation your heart desires. It's productive on so many levels, I promise maybe they'll help you find a way to really enjoy life again after some time, work and inspiration

 

[makethepainstop]

You can have virtually any conversation you want - with the single exception of saying finally when you're about to CTB because then they can intervene as you do it. But I highly suggest you have every last conversation your heart desires. It's productive on so many levels, I promise maybe they'll help you find a way to really enjoy life again after some time, work and inspiration

One problem we all seem to have in common is that we are self-isolating. we are mostly so damn lonely that we hurt even more than being merely depressed. What really helps here is the freedom to speak your pain aloud. That is not as good as having friends, but it does help greatly, especially in my case. Much love to all here.

 

[TydalWave]

You can have virtually any conversation you want - with the single exception of saying finally when you're about to CTB because then they can intervene as you do it. But I highly suggest you have every last conversation your heart desires. It's productive on so many levels, I promise maybe they'll help you find a way to really enjoy life again after some time, work and inspiration

There are definitely conversations I've been able to have that have been beneficial. I've had deep conversations with my father that brought us closer. Of course I know the limits to the depth I can allow. And you also must weigh the cost that it bears on those we leave. The closer you attach yourself to people, the harder it is to let them go.

Some people in my life I know will be able to handle it better, but others I am more worried about. Those are the people I have closed off the most. I don't think I can have the conversations I want to have with my mother or sisters.

 

[thedevillily]

I was writing letters earlier today too and thinking that my spouse might try to follow me if he were to find me, since he attempted once, years ago. I also have a relative who attempted in the past, and I was going to ask my mom not to tell said relative exactly what happened to me. I'd be most worried about the spouse. But it seems like doing it in a hotel would equal more potential interference.

 

[TydalWave]

I was writing letters earlier today too and thinking that my spouse might try to follow me if he were to find me, since he attempted once, years ago. I also have a relative who attempted in the past, and I was going to ask my mom not to tell said relative exactly what happened to me. I'd be most worried about the spouse. But it seems like doing it in a hotel would equal more potential interference.

I don't know your situation but I've often wished that I had a spouse / significant other who was down to go out together, in romeo y juliet fashion.

Just seems meaningful and a hell of a lot less lonely.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do think that it would be better for everyone if people could have open conversations about plans to die, it would make the whole process easier for the suicidal person and for those left behind, as people would be able to say final farewells and those left behind would have time to come to terms with the persons decision. It really is sad how suicide is this stigmatised and your feelings are understandable. I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[DejectedRealtor]

I obviously don't know you but I'd be happy to speak or chat in private to listen to you. I think you deserve it. If not, I really think you should speak to your support network one more time before making a decision. I've read your previous posts and I find them very moving. I really hope the best for you.

 

[Allaboutit]

Writing this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

As dark and as low as I have been these past weeks, I haven't shed a tear until writing this.

It is clear to me.

I am not afraid of death.​

I am not afraid of the pain.​

I am not afraid of what's after.​

But I am deeply afraid of how I will impact my loved ones when I go.

I feel incredible shame and guilt for not being able to have these conversations while alive. Because they deserve them, but it cannot happen that way. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could take this suffering and I wish I could be there for them and share my love, ideas and creativity.

But I cannot survive anymore in this glass house.

I love you. I miss you.