It was around June. I had 2 weeks before i was expected to head home after dropping out of the first semester of Uni, I decided to stay until the end of the semester because i really didn't want my parents to be the ones to find me, so why not at Uni.
I had tried to overdose twice on store brought pain killers and it did nothing but annoy me because i had to swallow so much. (I had read up on the death rate for over the counter painkillers and a few people had passed away, so i though i'd give it a shot)
I had thought about cutting, or hanging as another way, but i kept googling facts and statistics and pain (thats actually how i ended up here)and it kind of frightened me.
For one i didn't want to make a big mess from cutting and i honestly don't want to feel too much pain when i go. And there were so many stories of people not dying for ages after they've hung themselves and that frightened me. I think it was more, i could be found and saved and then my parents would find out. None of my family know i feel this way, because i keep to myself. I know my sister's seen my arms but she doesn't bring it up thank god. I have a few friends that know i feel like this, but they haven't done anything either. But i don't expect them too. Sorry as i was saying before i got sidetracked. I didn't really want to hang myself. But i had always walked passed this area that had 2-3 trees and i always imagined myself hanging there. My friend committed suicide by hanging in May and she was only 18, and weirdly the night she did it, i was at uni having this internal breakdown cause i couldn't cope with uni, i ended heading to bed at 5am and waking up at around 4pm, so i woke up with messages and dm's from friends saying i needed to call them. I guess this really gave me the courage to go through with my plans. After attending her funeral, i returned to uni (I stayed in the university accommodation) and i started planning what i was gonna do. I wrote a letter and i prepared myself mentally. I planned to do it on a Friday when all the student's were heading out to drink. My friend ended up inviting me to hang out with them, so i thought 'It would be easier to do it drunk right, i'll finally have courage'. Throughout the whole night i kept reminding everyone how much i love them, and my friends could tell something was up cause they kept asking if i was fine... i wasn't. Me and 2 other friends ended up walking back to our accomodation at 3-4am and i farewelled them in the elevator and headed to my room. I sat on my desk and i re-read my last letter (that is the tittle of it too). I kept pacing in my room giving myself courage to do it, but finally i did. I stood up, took my dressing gown rope, put it in my jacket pocket and put Clouds by Before You Exit on as i went to finally accomplish my last goal. It was funny cause as i came out of the elevator at a group of boys and girls came in laughing and just being so happy. All i was thinking was 'Im walking outside to kill myself and these people don't know a thing, they're having the time of their live's, i wonder if they'll remember me tomorrow'. I end up making it outside and i realise how would i reach the tall tree branches, and i don't know if i can call this luck, but right in front of the accomodation exit doors are maybe 6 floors and stairs leading up to every door. So i decided to walk up to the first floor. It was about 15ft high, honestly it could be even more. I remember listening to music, watching distant traffic and kinda just taking everything in. I cried a little but not as much as i thought. I really didn't have any thoughts. I was like my mind went blank and all i could hear even with the music in my ears was my breathing. I just kept taking deep breaths. I tied the gown rope to my neck then to the railing. I stepped over the railing, took my shoes off, and took what i thought was gonna be my last breath and i kinda just let the railing go. I hung there for about 3 seconds and my rope snapped. It snapped and i was knocked out on a compressed wet mud floor. I think i was knocked out for an hour and when i finally came around, my back was in so much pain i could hardly move. But because i was drunk i was able to get up without much pain. I ended up realise i fell i a restricted area and i couldn't get out cause there was fences. I ended up yelling for help to get me out and a bunch of guys came and helped me, from what i remember they even tried to climb the fence but they ended up getting the RA (Resident advisor) to come and unlock the gate. He escorted me to the elevator and that was it. I ended up in hospital for back pain. None of them knew i tried to kill myself, they all thought i was just being stupid while drinking. I think my friends knew, and the manager of my accomodation because my friends ended up asking how i was mentally and i dismissed them, and they let me. I was discharged from the hospital, returned to my accomodation (My parent's wanted to drive down and see me but i said that i was fine) and had to have a talk with the manager. He asked me if i had any dangerous meds and requested i see a therapist. I said yes, but i kept texting her saying i couldn't make it. She ended up ringing and said "So i was told you tried to commit suicide" but i denied it and that was the end of it. It's sad right. Alot of these people knew what i tried to do but they dismissed it right away. I don't know if i should be thankful or if i should be sad.
Thats it, thats my story time. No one but myself, my diary and now you know.
I had tried to overdose twice on store brought pain killers and it did nothing but annoy me because i had to swallow so much. (I had read up on the death rate for over the counter painkillers and a few people had passed away, so i though i'd give it a shot)
I had thought about cutting, or hanging as another way, but i kept googling facts and statistics and pain (thats actually how i ended up here)and it kind of frightened me.
For one i didn't want to make a big mess from cutting and i honestly don't want to feel too much pain when i go. And there were so many stories of people not dying for ages after they've hung themselves and that frightened me. I think it was more, i could be found and saved and then my parents would find out. None of my family know i feel this way, because i keep to myself. I know my sister's seen my arms but she doesn't bring it up thank god. I have a few friends that know i feel like this, but they haven't done anything either. But i don't expect them too. Sorry as i was saying before i got sidetracked. I didn't really want to hang myself. But i had always walked passed this area that had 2-3 trees and i always imagined myself hanging there. My friend committed suicide by hanging in May and she was only 18, and weirdly the night she did it, i was at uni having this internal breakdown cause i couldn't cope with uni, i ended heading to bed at 5am and waking up at around 4pm, so i woke up with messages and dm's from friends saying i needed to call them. I guess this really gave me the courage to go through with my plans. After attending her funeral, i returned to uni (I stayed in the university accommodation) and i started planning what i was gonna do. I wrote a letter and i prepared myself mentally. I planned to do it on a Friday when all the student's were heading out to drink. My friend ended up inviting me to hang out with them, so i thought 'It would be easier to do it drunk right, i'll finally have courage'. Throughout the whole night i kept reminding everyone how much i love them, and my friends could tell something was up cause they kept asking if i was fine... i wasn't. Me and 2 other friends ended up walking back to our accomodation at 3-4am and i farewelled them in the elevator and headed to my room. I sat on my desk and i re-read my last letter (that is the tittle of it too). I kept pacing in my room giving myself courage to do it, but finally i did. I stood up, took my dressing gown rope, put it in my jacket pocket and put Clouds by Before You Exit on as i went to finally accomplish my last goal. It was funny cause as i came out of the elevator at a group of boys and girls came in laughing and just being so happy. All i was thinking was 'Im walking outside to kill myself and these people don't know a thing, they're having the time of their live's, i wonder if they'll remember me tomorrow'. I end up making it outside and i realise how would i reach the tall tree branches, and i don't know if i can call this luck, but right in front of the accomodation exit doors are maybe 6 floors and stairs leading up to every door. So i decided to walk up to the first floor. It was about 15ft high, honestly it could be even more. I remember listening to music, watching distant traffic and kinda just taking everything in. I cried a little but not as much as i thought. I really didn't have any thoughts. I was like my mind went blank and all i could hear even with the music in my ears was my breathing. I just kept taking deep breaths. I tied the gown rope to my neck then to the railing. I stepped over the railing, took my shoes off, and took what i thought was gonna be my last breath and i kinda just let the railing go. I hung there for about 3 seconds and my rope snapped. It snapped and i was knocked out on a compressed wet mud floor. I think i was knocked out for an hour and when i finally came around, my back was in so much pain i could hardly move. But because i was drunk i was able to get up without much pain. I ended up realise i fell i a restricted area and i couldn't get out cause there was fences. I ended up yelling for help to get me out and a bunch of guys came and helped me, from what i remember they even tried to climb the fence but they ended up getting the RA (Resident advisor) to come and unlock the gate. He escorted me to the elevator and that was it. I ended up in hospital for back pain. None of them knew i tried to kill myself, they all thought i was just being stupid while drinking. I think my friends knew, and the manager of my accomodation because my friends ended up asking how i was mentally and i dismissed them, and they let me. I was discharged from the hospital, returned to my accomodation (My parent's wanted to drive down and see me but i said that i was fine) and had to have a talk with the manager. He asked me if i had any dangerous meds and requested i see a therapist. I said yes, but i kept texting her saying i couldn't make it. She ended up ringing and said "So i was told you tried to commit suicide" but i denied it and that was the end of it. It's sad right. Alot of these people knew what i tried to do but they dismissed it right away. I don't know if i should be thankful or if i should be sad.
Thats it, thats my story time. No one but myself, my diary and now you know.
