Venting I felt better when I was sure I was gonna kill myself

[myrtaryniel]

I read recently on another forum that a lot of people use their suicidal thoughts as a defense mechanism, and I think that's my case. It's so cowardly but it is the only thing that gives me hope in this hell. Always been a coward I guess.

Problems used to look simpler. If something bad happened, it didn't matter because I was going to kill myself. If my life and mental health were spinning out of control, everything would be over soon. But my deadline came and I couldn't do it. I can't fight the survival instinct nor the remorse for the people I'd leave behind.
I kept living, and now I feel like i'm trapped on a nightmare. I can't escape life for much that I want to.
I'm going crazy. I don't know what to do anymore. My only hope has vanished.

Just venting, but feel free to share your thoughts or whatever. And sorry for any bad grammar/typos, this isn't my first language.

 

[TimeToDie]

Every time something bothers me -- which is frequently -- I tell myself "it doesn't matter when dead." Unfortunately, I can't manage to get dead in an efficient and timely manner. I continue to linger even though I know this can only end one way.

 

[Sailfisher]

Understood. I was set on going a few months back and let other obligations mount on the idea that nothing mattered because there was a quick escape available. At the moment, I don't have the motivation to follow through, so life has become more difficult than before without that simple exit to make it all go away.

 

[Roger]

I read recently on another forum that a lot of people use their suicidal thoughts as a defense mechanism, and I think that's my case. It's so cowardly but it is the only thing that gives me hope in this hell. Always been a coward I guess.

Problems used to look simpler. If something bad happened, it didn't matter because I was going to kill myself. If my life and mental health were spinning out of control, everything would be over soon. But my deadline came and I couldn't do it. I can't fight the survival instinct nor the remorse for the people I'd leave behind.
I kept living, and now I feel like i'm trapped on a nightmare. I can't escape life for much that I want to.
I'm going crazy. I don't know what to do anymore. My only hope has vanished.

Just venting, but feel free to share your thoughts or whatever. And sorry for any bad grammar/typos, this isn't my first language.

My feelings entirely.

 

[omoidarui]

I read recently on another forum that a lot of people use their suicidal thoughts as a defense mechanism, and I think that's my case. It's so cowardly but it is the only thing that gives me hope in this hell. Always been a coward I guess.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean as it's not cowardly at all to have suicidal ideologies, or do you mean something else

 

[oopswronglife]

There is an elation in giving up. Then when the reality hits you sink deeper. I get a bit terrified when I feel "better" because I know its likely bad news at the end of the day AND I will find myself lower once it wears off since "easier said than done".

 

[myrtaryniel]

I'm not sure I understand what you mean as it's not cowardly at all to have suicidal ideologies, or do you mean something else

I don't think it's cowardly to have suicidal thoughts, as you can't avoid them most of the time, but it got to the point where I found relief only on my death. I acted as if my actions had no consequences because I was going to ctb. I didn't want to face any of the shitty things going on in my life so I used suicide as an excuse. But reality is I can't come around to do it, but neither can I keep living like this.

 

[RM5998]

I read recently on another forum that a lot of people use their suicidal thoughts as a defense mechanism, and I think that's my case. It's so cowardly but it is the only thing that gives me hope in this hell. Always been a coward I guess.

Problems used to look simpler. If something bad happened, it didn't matter because I was going to kill myself. If my life and mental health were spinning out of control, everything would be over soon. But my deadline came and I couldn't do it. I can't fight the survival instinct nor the remorse for the people I'd leave behind.
I kept living, and now I feel like i'm trapped on a nightmare. I can't escape life for much that I want to.
I'm going crazy. I don't know what to do anymore. My only hope has vanished.

Just venting, but feel free to share your thoughts or whatever. And sorry for any bad grammar/typos, this isn't my first language.

Been there, done that. I spent my last two semesters fucking around because there was the thought at the back of my head that it was fine, I was about to CTB after all. And now that I've ruined my career prospects, I'm hoping that I can actually CTB before I'm rejected by all companies that show up for placements.

 

[dandan]

I have not abandoned the idea that I'll kill myself.

I just want to try to live my remaining days alive, dont know how many low mood swings I can handle.
My low mood swings suck, when I found no motivation, no hope, no purspose...

 

[bluesky1972-2019]

Yes it's comforting to know you will ctb and things don't seem as bad.

I once drove for 4 hours to where I was going to ctb so I could check it out. Was planning to go back at night and ctb but didn't end up doing it.

Now I can't imagine driving there to ctb right now and in a way it's uncomfortable knowing I have to face every day. Very mixed emotions. I guess my mind isn't right? I don't know if anyone else relates to this?

 

[myrtaryniel]

Yes it's comforting to know you will ctb and things don't seem as bad.

I once drove for 4 hours to where I was going to ctb so I could check it out. Was planning to go back at night and ctb but didn't end up doing it.

Now I can't imagine driving there to ctb right now and in a way it's uncomfortable knowing I have to face every day. Very mixed emotions. I guess my mind isn't right? I don't know if anyone else relates to this?

I can relate. It's a terrible feeling knowing you don't want to die but neither live. You're stuck as long as you don't do something with your mental health (easier said than done...)

 

[Jon86]

I've been in this state for about a decade, it's truly terrible when you realize the escape your were banking on is WAY FUCKING HARDER than you could ever imagine and now your stuck living in this hell.

I still try to improve my life (multiple diseases) but it's truly useless.

I don't feel enough, I feel empty, I need anger or a sudden burst of misery to end it but it's not here. Idk, too trapped, too mentally gone, the pain I feel is harsh but it's normal now, it's all the same everyday.

Clearly, I need to try a different method, partial suspension just isn't for me, gotta jump or get something to OD on.

 

[Morto]

I feel exactly like this. Thinking about suicide makes me feel Good, but at the same time I Know That I am far away from doing it, what makes me feel Stuck. Have you considered a partner? That might helps with your CTB.

 

[Righttodie]

I had written this in a similar thread.

"
I don't know what the term would be for it but it's a simple psychological phenomenon.

By being close to what will bring you to an end which you are after, it gives a feel good factor. In a sense that you finally can feel that all this can end by just a certain action.

It gives you a feeling of control which your life may have been devoid of.
And control is what's making you feel good, that you can control all the things making you feel bad by doing something that will end it.

So your brain will get it's survival instinct and not go through with the deed itself because it doesn't feel the need to when it gets the sense that it has control over everything.
That's you, just on the edge but not going through with it"

 

[The Mute Viking]

I had written this in a similar thread.

"
I don't know what the term would be for it but it's a simple psychological phenomenon.

By being close to what will bring you to an end which you are after, it gives a feel good factor. In a sense that you finally can feel that all this can end by just a certain action.

It gives you a feeling of control which your life may have been devoid of.
And control is what's making you feel good, that you can control all the things making you feel bad by doing something that will end it.

So your brain will get it's survival instinct and not go through with the deed itself because it doesn't feel the need to when it gets the sense that it has control over everything.
That's you, just on the edge but not going through with it"

Very well said
For the rest of you, I also can relate to this and have been in a very similar if not identical situation.
I frequently tell myself that nothing matters, no need to attempt to live, to fight to have a purpose.
Justifying my behavior in continuing to degrade into the worthless piece of shit that I am.
I mean why attempt to get better once again when I know it will all just fall apart again just as soon as I started?
Why bother at all.

I believe that no one wants to truly die, it's the factors in our lifes that take away our options, our percieved means of happiness and success.
In a world where sickness of the mind and body didn't exist, nor the economic polar hell that most of us deal with or the abuse that many of us face/have faced.
Suicide would be 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% occurence and left to those who only lost the will to live after hundreds of years of happiness.

People who live to a long ripe age and haven't experienced the pains of the world, usually want to go because they feel they no longer have a purpose, that they've done everything in their life they could possibly do.

Sorry for the long post.This just hits a nerve.

 

[Retched]

I've gone from obsessively planning after my failed attempt, to buying multiple methods to have on hand, to trying partial at least three times, to a sort of 'meh, I think I will see what happens right now.' The thoughts aren't constant anymore but they come and go. I live a weird life right now, in an ironic job and not many friends left. Not to mention a town I loathe but can't leave for at least another two years.

I wish I could go off grid with just a small community of people and disappear out of modern society.

 

[TAW122]

I share the same feelings too. In 2018 and even for a bit in 2019, I used my suicidal ideation as well as acquisition of my method to cope with my dreadful life. In December 2018, I finally acquired my method and felt a sense of peace knowing that I can reliably and easily (after overcoming SI of course) check out of this hellhole called 'life'.

 

[Black_Knight]

Me too. I think I know exactly how you feel. I also imagine that this is how many feel before the breaking point. At some point there's nothing left to do but take the leap, even if it's terrifying and the romanticism is gone. It becomes a choice between two evils instead of a get out of jail free card, as raw and ugly as life. I'm not at mine yet, but I'm hoping that it comes soon, before I acquire more doubts. Though I've also heard that many feel a lot of inner peace when the decision is finally made. I hope for that too, for all of us.

 

[Marz]

Been there, done that. I spent my last two semesters fucking around because there was the thought at the back of my head that it was fine, I was about to CTB after all. And now that I've ruined my career prospects, I'm hoping that I can actually CTB before I'm rejected by all companies that show up for placements.

That's me right now. In fact, I got kicked out because I was failing uni, ironically. Failed my attempt as well. It's so fucking pathetic it's even funny.

 

[The Mute Viking]

That's me right now. In fact, I got kicked out because I was failing uni, ironically. Failed my attempt as well. It's so fucking pathetic it's even funny.

That's ten shades of yikes, friend. This world doesn't even make sense to me at this point. I'm like a doe in a middle of jaguars.

 

[myrtaryniel]

I've gone from obsessively planning after my failed attempt, to buying multiple methods to have on hand, to trying partial at least three times, to a sort of 'meh, I think I will see what happens right now.' The thoughts aren't constant anymore but they come and go. I live a weird life right now, in an ironic job and not many friends left. Not to mention a town I loathe but can't leave for at least another two years.

I wish I could go off grid with just a small community of people and disappear out of modern society.

I've actually thought about this so many times lol.

 

[The Mute Viking]

Same. I want this badly. No idea how to get to that goal.