Venting I feel useless and panic over stupid shit. Help?

[asaki]

I'm not sure anyone will ever read this, but I just need to get it out SOMEWHERE. This is pretty long so you really don't have to waste your time on this

I have bipolar disorder (however different therapists diagnosed me with other disorders). So I genuinely don't fucking know what I have.

I used to get intense mood swings and could feel depressed for no reason (and very excited, euphoric even, as well) but now I feel like there is actually a reason.. kind of.

This may sound a bit childish but anyway I just need to get this off my chest.

Both my boyfriend and I play competitive video games. Specifically in CS:GO we have a team, and both invest time and effort into it. He's the best in the team (most experienced as well) and will always rage and be toxic whenever we start slightly losing. He will call everyone useless, tell us to just die, remind us how despite how much he tries we don't do shit, etc. I've gotten used to this over time, and after all CS is something we're both very passionate about and I don't mind being "emotional" about it for the sake of winning.

The problem is with other games, which I'm pretty bad at. In truth, I won't be any good at a new video game especially if I don't dedicate myself to it. He however, is incredibly good at any video game instantly, and I know that he probably thinks that it is the same for everyone else.. Because of this whenever I get confused a bit in a game he will sigh on purpose in the microphone, tell me things like "one day you'll be able to think properly", "reflexes aren't our strength" (he'll always say 'our' as if I'm a child too which just upsets me more).

This brings me to my point.. I panic. A LOT. I don't know if this is a panic disorder, or anxiety disorder or whatever the fuck else exists. I get panic attacks all the time. Especially when he blatantly rubs into my face that he is disappointed in me. I'll immediately start breathing harder, I can punch myself in the head (sorry if I sound a bit crazy) and eventually I'll be shaking. This obviously means I just do worse in that game, and his "feedback" becomes more frequent and intense, causing me to panic more.. its like a cycle.

Because of this, I have lost interest in so many games and am terrified of playing them with him. But i can't play with anyone else, since most of my friends are guys who play video games and he gets very jealous and annoyed if I play with other guys.

I know this sounds like an abusive relationship but I know that he struggles with intense anger issues, I know that he loves me truly, I know that he has never actually loved anyone before me and I genuinely love him more than anything. I know he'd give his life for me, and I'd do the same for him.

I just often feel like I'm useless, and hear those things even when no one is speaking. I cry a lot now, and panic much more. It can even get to the point where I faint. Maybe I'm just overreacting but I'm terrified of what's happening to me. I just want to get better and for him to get better.

 

[MotherOfCats]

Hi, I have bipolar and like to play games too. Well, I used to but I work too much now so I never get time.
It sounds like you really look up to him and you obviously value his opinion which is great. However, it does sound a little emotionally abusive. Have you ever discussed your issues with him and told him how it makes you feel?

 

[Lorntroubles]

He is not the person that will make you better.
Your fuzzy feelings for him does not erase his emotional abuse towards you. He does not get any free passes to talk to anyone like that and this is extremely toxic.
You won't be able to leave until you determine that yourself or something really horrible happens.
I can't convince you to take control of your life because it seems like you think a lot with your heart and emotions and situations like this, you cannot do that nor just shrug off the abuse. I'm calling it like I see it. It's abuse.
This is not true love from what you described. Maybe this will resonate with you, maybe if won't but I can say I put in some effort towards this....I don't write these things for nothing and pull things out of my ass...you deserve better. You don't need to be down more than you already are because of someone who is supposed to not hurt you...
Relationships are not perfect but I'll be damned if I will allow someone to constantly berate me.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I know this sounds like an abusive relationship but I know that he struggles with intense anger issues, I know that he loves me truly, I know that he has never actually loved anyone before me and I genuinely love him more than anything. I know he'd give his life for me, and I'd do the same for him.

He is indeed abusive. It will only escalate. He will get physical if he hasn't already. If he gave his life for you, realistically, it would be to ctb in front of you or commit a murder-suicide. Yes, he has problems, but he's not motivated to work on them, what he's motivated to do is rage and diminish you. He is a slot machine that will never pay off, and you feed it with your love and pity, so he gets all the benefit and you get just enough returns to keep coming back in hope for a jackpot that won't happen.

If they're accurate, ,you will see these things when you are ready. Posting seems to be a step in that direction.

PM me if you'd like some book resources. I also recommend calling a DV hotline when you're ready so that you can get support and starting seeing a way out as well as your own value.

I recognize my words may not be received as intended. I'm very direct and honest. I'm also very much on your side. I don't present all this softly with a bunch of hugs, and you may need softness right now. A DV helpline might deliver that, and so may other members here. I've often been told irl that I'm the person one wants with them when their shit goes to shit, because I'm all about dealing with what needs to be dealt with, so that's where I'm coming from here.

 

[Xunnsu]

I know this sounds like an abusive relationship but I know that he struggles with intense anger issues, I know that he loves me truly, I know that he has never actually loved anyone before me and I genuinely love him more than anything. I know he'd give his life for me, and I'd do the same for him.

These things are not mutually exclusive. I would imagine people who are abusive typically do have anger issues. It sounds like he also lacks empathy. Does he know how much it hurts you? Have you told him? He's probably with you because other girls were turned off by his condescending and childish behavior.

 

[oneside]

Tell this to him, if he truly loves you like you said, I'm sure he will understand it and change his behavior.