ashfall
Member
- Jan 1, 2022
- 47
Warning: A whole lot of self-pity. I'm self-aware just in the mood to vent right now. Read at your own peril.
I really hate my body. I hate how it looks. I hate how it functions. I hate how terrible it is at everything. At this point, it doesn't even feel like mine anymore. Instead, it's just this shitty bag of flesh I have to puppet around to interact with the world. It's more like a prison and I'm trapped inside of it.
I have poland syndrome - it's a birth defect that ensures no one is ever going to find me attractive. When puberty hit I only grew one boob. I spent five years stuffing one side of my bra every day because they don't make bras for people with an A cup on one side and a D on the other. I pinned all my hopes on plastic surgery fixing it and spent ages saving up. Post-surgery and it still looks terrible. I avoid mirrors when I'm naked it's so bad. You can't see it until I take off my bra but one side is obviously fake and I now have a massive scar. Whenever anyone calls me pretty I feel like a complete fraud but I'm too embarrassed to ever tell anyone. I know if I ever actually get into a relationship I'll be rejected as soon as the guy sees me without a top on. I just know I'm going to be alone forever.
I have dyspraxia so I'm terrible at everything up to and including walking in a straight line without falling over. I'm so bad at sports and any kind of physical movement that I was literally picked after a kid with a broken arm in PE when I was in school. It takes me so long to pick up any kind of physical skill. I worked in a restaurant last year and likely would have been fired if they weren't so short-staffed because I kept dropping everything despite my best efforts. I made that Fawlty towers waitress look like a pro.
I'm always sick and I'm seriously underweight because of it. I get chronic headaches and migraines. I'm constantly in pain and I feel so trapped. God I hate my body so much. I don't have dysphoria or anything but when my anxiety gets really bad I feel almost itchy everywhere - like my skin doesn't fit right over my bones. I don't self-harm but in those moments all I want to do is kill myself as quick as I can with whatever's on hand. Like if I'm cooking I'll imagine cutting myself with the kitchen knives. Or if I'm in the shower I'll imagine smashing the glass and slitting my throat. Or if I'm on my way to work I'll think about jumping in front of the bus.
I do feel guilty because I know that my issues are nothing compared to other peoples'. I don't really have any right to complain when there are people with stuff like cancer and genuine disabilities out there. I can't help hating my body anyway though. I've tried surgery but it's never going to look good. I've tried physical therapy but I'm still bad at everything. And my immune system remains absolute shit so I keep looking like a walking skeleton. I feel so trapped and ctb is the only escape I can see.
Anyway, sorry about that. Rant over. If you made it all the way through that take an imaginary gold star.
I really hate my body. I hate how it looks. I hate how it functions. I hate how terrible it is at everything. At this point, it doesn't even feel like mine anymore. Instead, it's just this shitty bag of flesh I have to puppet around to interact with the world. It's more like a prison and I'm trapped inside of it.
I have poland syndrome - it's a birth defect that ensures no one is ever going to find me attractive. When puberty hit I only grew one boob. I spent five years stuffing one side of my bra every day because they don't make bras for people with an A cup on one side and a D on the other. I pinned all my hopes on plastic surgery fixing it and spent ages saving up. Post-surgery and it still looks terrible. I avoid mirrors when I'm naked it's so bad. You can't see it until I take off my bra but one side is obviously fake and I now have a massive scar. Whenever anyone calls me pretty I feel like a complete fraud but I'm too embarrassed to ever tell anyone. I know if I ever actually get into a relationship I'll be rejected as soon as the guy sees me without a top on. I just know I'm going to be alone forever.
I have dyspraxia so I'm terrible at everything up to and including walking in a straight line without falling over. I'm so bad at sports and any kind of physical movement that I was literally picked after a kid with a broken arm in PE when I was in school. It takes me so long to pick up any kind of physical skill. I worked in a restaurant last year and likely would have been fired if they weren't so short-staffed because I kept dropping everything despite my best efforts. I made that Fawlty towers waitress look like a pro.
I'm always sick and I'm seriously underweight because of it. I get chronic headaches and migraines. I'm constantly in pain and I feel so trapped. God I hate my body so much. I don't have dysphoria or anything but when my anxiety gets really bad I feel almost itchy everywhere - like my skin doesn't fit right over my bones. I don't self-harm but in those moments all I want to do is kill myself as quick as I can with whatever's on hand. Like if I'm cooking I'll imagine cutting myself with the kitchen knives. Or if I'm in the shower I'll imagine smashing the glass and slitting my throat. Or if I'm on my way to work I'll think about jumping in front of the bus.
I do feel guilty because I know that my issues are nothing compared to other peoples'. I don't really have any right to complain when there are people with stuff like cancer and genuine disabilities out there. I can't help hating my body anyway though. I've tried surgery but it's never going to look good. I've tried physical therapy but I'm still bad at everything. And my immune system remains absolute shit so I keep looking like a walking skeleton. I feel so trapped and ctb is the only escape I can see.
Anyway, sorry about that. Rant over. If you made it all the way through that take an imaginary gold star.