i feel too stupid to get better

[monetpompo]

hello recovery friends,
i'm trying to learn piano and i keep having intrusive thoughts about my friend who moved away and has people in his life that love him while i don't. i'm trying to make my own identity that exists independently from him but it's so hard. i just want to fall back into my shitty coping mechanisms instead of learn an instrument because i feel like such a failure all of the time. i don't feel good enough to go back to my college and i definitely don't feel good enough to enroll in uni. i just feel like depression and anhedonia made me legitimately stupid. because i did nothing but cycle between 5 thoughts (i'm worthless, i'm stupid, i'm lonely, i'm angry, i'm sad) for months and months. and it's like i just don't want to change because getting better feels too painful.

i keep thinking about how subhuman i feel and how i must be so lame to everybody else that it keeps on beating me down. it makes me want to lie in bed and keep myself there because i feel like such a stupid idiot. sometimes it's hard for me to form any coherent thoughts at all because of my brain fog, and i just end up having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself so that i don't have to put any effort into trying anymore. my friends that have seen my behavior firsthand are tired of me acting the same and not recognizing when i'm doing things that make me depressed and want to kill myself more. it's really hard to see past my own thoughts because i think that they must be logical and true if i think them so often. but they're just intrusive and toxic and bad. everybody tells me i should like myself more. but i just keep on hating myself and coming up with imaginary arguments in my head where i say that i'm worse than everyone else -> therefore unlovable.

i don't feel like i really deserve to talk to anyone these days. i just feel like a chore. i've been on my own for a very long time and i only feel like i'm becoming more alone with the passing day. i'm just so tired of this being the norm now. i feel incapable of aspiring towards any goal and maintaining any of my relationships because i get so depressed that my friends have other friends. i know i'm only toxic and codependent like this because i have no one to talk to and nothing to keep me busy. i'm envious of people that actually have things to do and people that want to talk to them. i want to become someone else really badly so i can finally be liked by others. i feel like i'm just making myself crazy.

 

[Pluto]

 

[fromange]

Good on you for learning the piano. That's awesome. I don't know any instrument so I admire that.

"Stupid" really is ableist. I mean I feel you, I tell myself the same things. But I guess when I talk to someone else I put myself aside and play devils advocate (not completely the meaning of the word because I admit this is true). It's ok to have brain fogs or "low IQ." You're human regardless. It's ok to be stupid or have deficiencies in emotional regulation, or have trouble with people. It's ok to be disabled. I feel like a waste of space too. Like why am I alive I contribute nothing to the world. People don't like me because I'm stupid, I'm not funny, and I have a rotten personality and I can't do the right things. I'm rude disrespectful not kind etc. I'm sefish and I want what's easy and nice. Well fuck it. Be alive, leach as much as you can. It's you against the world, always. You have no one but yourself and maybe some other imaginary friends but that's still just you. You can be nice to others but I think step 0 is having a strong base. That's your relationship with yourself. Loving yourself is really hard. I think ew I'm delusional to love myself what a narcissist. But take it slow. For me honestly I just got tired of hating myself. I mean wtf. Why do I have to feel like shit. Maybe I deserve it but the fact is I still don't want to feel it. I had the self help stuff as punishment in my mind. So I said fuck that I don't deserve that. I'm gonna do whatever I want I don't care if it's healthy or not the right way it whatever. I'll sleep in if I want not because I couldn't get out because I wanted to. I'll go outside when I want. I'll get a job when I want. I'll eat if I wanna eat and I'm not gonna eat if I don't wanna eat and I won't feel worse about it. All easier said than done and not perfect. But I got slightly better. It's a start for me to noe reclaim improvement/recovery as for myself and not a pressure or "I have to"





I think I will always struggle with self esteem and relationships. I'm just accepting that. Sorry for the long text and if it got too rambly and about myself. Piano is awesome, it's ok to be stupid, and you're always good enough to do whatever you want unless it hurts others.

 

[monetpompo]

literally me. i'm trying to get a tutor that has a grand piano because i don't wanna play on a plebian midi (i have a digital yahama at home).

"Stupid" really is ableist. I mean I feel you, I tell myself the same things. But I guess when I talk to someone else I put myself aside and play devils advocate (not completely the meaning of the word because I admit this is true). It's ok to have brain fogs or "low IQ." You're human regardless. It's ok to be stupid or have deficiencies in emotional regulation, or have trouble with people. It's ok to be disabled. I feel like a waste of space too.

For me honestly I just got tired of hating myself. I mean wtf. Why do I have to feel like shit. Maybe I deserve it but the fact is I still don't want to feel it. I had the self help stuff as punishment in my mind. So I said fuck that I don't deserve that. I'm gonna do whatever I want I don't care if it's healthy or not the right way it whatever. I'll sleep in if I want not because I couldn't get out because I wanted to. I'll go outside when I want. I'll get a job when I want. I'll eat if I wanna eat and I'm not gonna eat if I don't wanna eat and I won't feel worse about it.

thank you for your message @fromange. i needed something like that tonight. it's been really hard trying to build myself from the ground up since i've let myself slip so far already. i pretty much don't listen to anyone's advice when they give to me and that makes me feel guilty. today i ate pad thai my mom bought for me, i rode my bike at night, and i practiced on the piano a little. it made me happy even though i was sad and ruminating for most of the day still. i learned twinkle twinkle little star yesterday and today i learned mary had a little lamb. i'm clearly a genius trapped inside of my depressed loser shell. soon i'll be playing rachmaninoff and i'll leave you guys in the dust /j

i like orchestras and jazz a lot. i like live performances and i get excited when anybody knows how to play an instrument because knowing how to play and compose music is really cool to me. i have a friend encouraging me to learn piano who is SICK(!!!) of me being depressed. it's very hard to kick the immediate urge to die when i feel stupid or bad. but i like staring at the piano and focusing really hard even if i feel dumb. i want to watch more orchestras and live shows but i have no money. my first instinct was playing brass instruments, then string instruments, but then i realized that i have to be realistic and play the piano we have at home.

unrelated but seeing shinji playing the cello in NGE (watched it in october) made me lose my mind even though it was one scene because i was like "if he can do it i can do it!!". feels silly mentioning that now when i was so suicidal in october.

 

[ScaredCutter]

its very nice knowing ur learning piano, its been a dream of mine since growing up, i remember touching one and a keyboard and i really loved it! i love harps, drums, flutes, pianos and those wind chimes.

falling back into habits, coping mechanisms and not being in uni/college isnt anything stupid, if anything i just see it as being human. i usually surround myself with my negative thoughts and just accept that ill never reach to where i want to, to be somebody. im always behind by most and always look up to those who are further than me wondering why i cant be at the same place. you are just you, ur still human, whenever ur struggling, going back to how u were or struggling with having intrusive thoughts, ur still a human being. u havent failed.

im very envious and jealous of most people, any amount of success, friendship, job or anything just makes me wish i was in that position because i know itll be so hard to reach it. im beyond slow at making progress, improving or even doing anything. i watch videos of others and wonder about myself. i swapped schools in 2022 because i couldnt keep going but, ive always wished to go back just once, visitor or student but imagining what others will think just hurts and makes me want to go back into hiding. im afraid of being asked things i wish to not hear, i hate it when peoples eyes are on me because they must be judging, im untalented, unappealing, not social and even horrible sometimes. ive cried and wished to have done something, ive hurt myself and even those close to me. i have to be supported inorder to make decent progress in life because all i can do is go on this computer, phone or ipad and just watch stuff and play games. i have lots of goals to complete and honestly, i cant even be fucked with doing ANY of them.

but, all of this doesnt mean i cant do anything, it doesnt mean u cant do anything either. tbh, i try to feel better by knowing that ive still done a lot in my life, being able to graduate, i was able to go camping twice (school camp), i even did swimming before, i did choir too and i learnt the trumpet too. i take such small steps and such little progression but, anything can be seen as something, something that uve achieved, hard or easy. literally anything can be something uve done.


im pretty shit at what im saying lol, i just hope im not being entitled or anything bad towards how ur feeling and what uve been going through.
fromange is so good with their words, i aspire to be like that.