Venting I feel that the only way to make these thoughts go away is to kill myself

[kittycat089bunny]

I've tried to make these thoughts go away. I've done counselling twice, some DBT and nothing ever changes.
I'm so tired of this life. I've had suicidal thoughts for years and I just want my head to be quiet even for one second. I feel that ctb is the only way to make it stop. I also hate how when someone talks about someone suicidal, it's ALWAYS basically about the people around them and the people who will be "left behind". I hate that. It makes me feel so guilty. I know I'm going to leave people behind, but I'm in too much mental pain to continue. I'm trying to think of it as once it's done, I would never have known that I was ever alive so I can't feel guilty then. Just needed to vent a little bit! Can anyone else relate?

 

[Sensei]

I've done counselling twice, some DBT and nothing ever changes.

You know what's best for you better than I do, but don't you think you should give it one more chance? Psychotherapy takes time and there are no quick fixes.

 

[kittycat089bunny]

You know what's best for you better than I do, but don't you think you should give it one more chance? Psychotherapy takes time and there are no quick fixes.

I know that there are no quick fixes, but I've given life chance after chance after chance.
I've done counselling twice (for about a total of 6 months) and DBT for about 3 months. I have done everything that the professions have told me to do, yet I still want to ctb so badly. I just don't know what the answer is other than ctb

 

[Manja]

I've heard of method to just watch your thoughts without involving with the content.
Like a bystander. It was Eckhart Toll it Osho I think, I watched it on YouTube

 

[fastFWD]

i can relate 100%. the thoughts; they have never went away for me. the doctors and their medicines failed. i don't like the talk about leaving others behind as well; yes i feel bad for people who will be upset but wish they would instead be happy for me in that my endless torment was over. they just don't understand how strong/debilitating/stressful/painful/tiring these thoughts are. every day is torture.

 

[c824767]

I know that it sounds ridiculous but changing your brain chemistry with in my case evening primrose oil (rejuvenates the nerve sheathing) and writing down my thoughts and looking at what I wrote and realized how beyond unreasonably dark it was, I was able to change my thoughts. I was like you I thought my thoughts would NEVER change and I am still waiting for those "dark" thoughts to come back because I do not believe that I am recovered, I feel it is only very short term.

 

[TrailerTrash]

I very much relate to this ..... from morning to night ..... just doesn't ever stop. Wish I could wave a magic wand for you.

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

I know that it sounds ridiculous but changing your brain chemistry with in my case evening primrose oil (rejuvenates the nerve sheathing) and writing down my thoughts and looking at what I wrote and realized how beyond unreasonably dark it was, I was able to change my thoughts. I was like you I thought my thoughts would NEVER change and I am still waiting for those "dark" thoughts to come back because I do not believe that I am recovered, I feel it is only very short term.

I totally agree. When you read a transcript of your own thoughts you realize how overblown some of the stuff is. I have social anxiety. I used to think that everyone hated me on sight, yet I've dated frequently and now I have a wife who just gave me a beautiful daughter.

I had this life all wrong. Not everyone hates me, some love me, others don't care. It's incredibly hard to overcome the suspicion that people are secretly judging and plotting against me but when I read my thoughts, it just seems...unrealistic. Hell, even someone as reviled as Trump has a loving family, millions of diehard supporters and loyal friends.

There's zero chance that everyone is against me. I was thinking of ending it but every day makes me move further away from ctb. For my little girl, I'm willing to try again. I'm thinking testosterone therapy and exercise to rid me of self destructive thoughts.

I can't speak for anyone, after all just a few weeks back I had a full plan for ctb. I can't tell anyone what to do. I hope every member of ss exhausts all options before taking the last step. Try writing your thoughts and reading them a few hours later. I was shocked when I did.

 

[c824767]

I totally agree. When you read a transcript of your own thoughts you realize how overblown some of the stuff is. I have social anxiety. I used to think that everyone hated me on sight, yet I've dated frequently and now I have a wife who just gave me a beautiful daughter.

I had this life all wrong. Not everyone hates me, some love me, others don't care. It's incredibly hard to overcome the suspicion that people are secretly judging and plotting against me but when I read my thoughts, it just seems...unrealistic.

There's zero chance that everyone is against me. I was thinking of ending it but every day makes me move further away from ctb. For my little girl, I'm willing to try again. I'm thinking testosterone therapy and exercise to rid me of self destructive thoughts.

I can't speak for anyone, after all just a few weeks back I had a full plan for ctb. I can't tell anyone what to do. I hope every member of ss exhausts all options before taking the last step. Try writing your thoughts and reading then a few hours later. I was shocked when I did.

So cool I am just the same. I do not mind people hating me but I am super scared that they might think I am mentally ill, it is a stupid phobia, I feel like I have a big wart on my face or something. That I have to put makeup on all the time. I am still so shocked that I was diagnosed with a mental illness. I cannot be myself. I am constantly censoring myself and trying to be politically correct. I know people do it 9-5 for decades in their jobs but I am just not used to it, I was married to a multi millionaire for 20 years and have had no exposure to the required obedience and acquiescence of the destruction of my dignity that is required to go through social interactions in hierarchies. I personally find this kind of authoritarianism demeaning but understand that it would/will take a lot of "preaching" to change public sentiment on "political correctness".

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

@c824767, it's always refreshing to meet a fellow sufferer. I used to find it absolutely crazy that people would accuse me of being aloof, hostile or borderline crazy. It was so hard to trust friends, family, lovers and workmates. To realize how my behaviour led to their mental image was eye opening.

My anxiety led to paranoia. Everyone was out to get me. This led to a variety of self defense tactics including being aloof, hostile or borderline crazy. How often I have lost a friend or lover due to mistrust. At some point it just became too much to handle. I was even ready to abandon my pregnant wife to raise the kid alone.

 

[jgm63]

I suggest watching videos of spiritual teacher, Barry Long
You could make a start with :

Spoiler: HOW TO STOP THINKING

then :

Spoiler: Start Meditating NOW

 

[Spock87]

I hate when people talk about the left behind. Those that are left behind are not inside our heads they don't know we do our best to work out issues we are tired and in pain and can't handle much of anything else but we are told to toughen it out how much do they want us to suffer

 

[DattMav48]

I can relate to this. My friends that know my feelings have all told me "think of those that will miss you" - if they loved me, they wouldn't want me to continue battling against these demons day in, day out.

It is selfish of them to want us to carry on with the daily struggles and thoughts. P**ses me right off

 

[Moonicide]

I relate very much so. I've been living with and battling mental illness for about 15 years now. I'm on disability. I'm in treatment, I'm on medication. I've been to programs as well. The only reason why I have lived for so long was the fact I lived for others. I lived for the ones I loved. Which was a very empty existence looking back at it. I realized if I can't live for myself, what's the point of living? I can't keep living for others. That isn't a sustainable way to live.

Like you, I am leaving a lot of love behind. I am very much loved and supported by my friends. But I can't do it anymore.