I don't know what to do honestly. I just feel like I'm stuck.
I just need to vent a bit because everything is a cluttered mess in my head. If you end up trudging through this long ass post, then thank you for reading.
1. I am in graduate school and I am so behind on assignments that I am scared that my professors will just email me one day to tell me that I may just need to retake the semester. This leads to point 2:
2. I need to be enrolled in classes in order to keep my job... And this job has an expiration date of my tentative graduation date. In other words: If I fail my classes, I won't have a job. If I don't pass my classes by the time my job ends, I will need to retake them but won't have a job, and I still would need to pay for tuition so... Yea. It's either a "do it right the first time" or "get fucked" situation for me.
3. Everything has been so overwhelming and confusing lately.
4. I do not want to go back "home" and become even more miserable because then I would have to live with my mother, who abused me my entire childhood (yes, she hit me. I don't bruise easily and she actually bruised me a few times... I believe that says something) and she does not understand what boundaries and privacy is, and she is a hoarder so my "room" is no longer a room but some shitty storage holding space for all the fucking junk she decided to accumulate and never let go (I don't have a bed. I always had to share a bed with my mother and I'm fucking in my mid 20s). I don't think she loves me; she is only clinging onto me because her husband (my father) could no longer stand her and moved out, while she remains a stay-at-homeabuser mom (which is a nice way of saying useless and unemployed), who still depends on and receives monthy allowance from my father. Who knows when his generosity will run out.
5. Great— so my maternal uncle is diagnosed with schizophrenia. My mother clearly was fucking psychotic at times. And now those signs are showing up in ME. Great. Just fucking great. What I fucking needed (sarcasm).
What I really want to do: Have a gap year where I could actually relax and unwind. Just a couple months of letting myself not do anything. Figure out what I really want to do. Figure out what the fuck is happening in my head. I never had a summer vacation where I had no worries, actually. It was always either being abused, or do anything to avoid going home. I would like a break.
Why I probably won't be able to do what I want to do: No cash flow = no money. I have no car. No driver's license (thanks a lot, you fucking useless, controlling woman who call yourself my mother).
What I might end up doing: kill myself at some hotel. Idk why but slitting my own throat or suffocating myself seems very appealing.
Another thing about my mother: How dare she have the NERVE to accept compliments from others who tell her "Wow, your daughter turned out well thanks to your great parenting." Fuck you.
Anyways...
Thank you if you read all this... I would greatly appreciate it if you have any advice or insight. Otherwise, I hope your day goes okay.
I just need to vent a bit because everything is a cluttered mess in my head. If you end up trudging through this long ass post, then thank you for reading.
1. I am in graduate school and I am so behind on assignments that I am scared that my professors will just email me one day to tell me that I may just need to retake the semester. This leads to point 2:
2. I need to be enrolled in classes in order to keep my job... And this job has an expiration date of my tentative graduation date. In other words: If I fail my classes, I won't have a job. If I don't pass my classes by the time my job ends, I will need to retake them but won't have a job, and I still would need to pay for tuition so... Yea. It's either a "do it right the first time" or "get fucked" situation for me.
3. Everything has been so overwhelming and confusing lately.
4. I do not want to go back "home" and become even more miserable because then I would have to live with my mother, who abused me my entire childhood (yes, she hit me. I don't bruise easily and she actually bruised me a few times... I believe that says something) and she does not understand what boundaries and privacy is, and she is a hoarder so my "room" is no longer a room but some shitty storage holding space for all the fucking junk she decided to accumulate and never let go (I don't have a bed. I always had to share a bed with my mother and I'm fucking in my mid 20s). I don't think she loves me; she is only clinging onto me because her husband (my father) could no longer stand her and moved out, while she remains a stay-at-home
5. Great— so my maternal uncle is diagnosed with schizophrenia. My mother clearly was fucking psychotic at times. And now those signs are showing up in ME. Great. Just fucking great. What I fucking needed (sarcasm).
What I really want to do: Have a gap year where I could actually relax and unwind. Just a couple months of letting myself not do anything. Figure out what I really want to do. Figure out what the fuck is happening in my head. I never had a summer vacation where I had no worries, actually. It was always either being abused, or do anything to avoid going home. I would like a break.
Why I probably won't be able to do what I want to do: No cash flow = no money. I have no car. No driver's license (thanks a lot, you fucking useless, controlling woman who call yourself my mother).
What I might end up doing: kill myself at some hotel. Idk why but slitting my own throat or suffocating myself seems very appealing.
Another thing about my mother: How dare she have the NERVE to accept compliments from others who tell her "Wow, your daughter turned out well thanks to your great parenting." Fuck you.
Anyways...
Thank you if you read all this... I would greatly appreciate it if you have any advice or insight. Otherwise, I hope your day goes okay.
