Venting I feel stuck

[wilderj]

I don't want to be here anymore, and I don't know what to do. Unfortunately, I am the world's biggest coward and won't commit to a method unless I am absolutely certain that it will work, and it seems like not many of those exist. I feel so alone in this. There's no one to talk to. Even though I'm fortunate to have family members and friends who care, they could never understand (which is a good thing for many reasons). There are so many hints or signs that suggest I shouldn't be here, so now I'm just stuck. I feel so close to losing everything--my job, my livelihood, my friends-- and because I can't bring myself to CTB, this will only intensify my misery. So I go and go until I can't go any longer and it's still not good enough. I'M not good enough and it's exhausting. I just really, really don't want to be here. Yet, I know other people are experiencing circumstances far dire than my own; rather than give me perspective or comfort (to know I'm not alone), it just makes me feel like I will never escape this hell.

 

[Zhontafly]

Well you're not alone in the feeling of not being able to ever escape this hell. I too concern myself with the method being 100% effective. I dont like having to worry about survival and waking in a hospital bed to the maniacs in the health community.

Look for multiple methods you are willing to carry out, relax then and wait for the right time. That's the best advice I can think to give.

 

[ghost-key]

I feel you there. I'm absolutely terrified of CTB and deep down I know I'd have to be really committed to do so....but everyday is a struggle for me. I'm just so tired, angry, bitter and exhausted of forcing myself to find something to keep me going each day whether it's video games, music, etc...eventually those things will disappear for me and I'll be stuck trying to reach the next distraction for that little bit of happiness.

 

[wilderj]

Well you're not alone in the feeling of not being able to ever escape this hell. I too concern myself with the method being 100% effective. I dont like having to worry about survival and waking in a hospital bed to the maniacs in the health community.

Look for multiple methods you are willing to carry out, relax then and wait for the right time. That's the best advice I can think to give.

Thank you for responding. Your last line helped me calm down and proceed with the rest of the work day, especially the "relax" an "wait" parts. Reminds me that I should focus on finding a method and allow the outcome to be my anchor until it's time to leave. THANK YOU.

I feel you there. I'm absolutely terrified of CTB and deep down I know I'd have to be really committed to do so....but everyday is a struggle for me. I'm just so tired, angry, bitter and exhausted of forcing myself to find something to keep me going each day whether it's video games, music, etc...eventually those things will disappear for me and I'll be stuck trying to reach the next distraction for that little bit of happiness.

YES! Everything I do is all a distraction. Just now, I thought of how grateful I am to have the workday; I don't know where I'd be without my work (probably even more miserable). The weekends are BAD. I no longer have friends in this area, so I'm left to my own devices. Though, to be honest, when they did live here, my depression prevented me from reaching out. So, idk, it's just a mess. Thank you for responding. Let me know if you'd like someone to talk to (someone with whom you can be angry, bitter and exhausted).

 

[Meditation guide]

Thank you for responding. Your last line helped me calm down and proceed with the rest of the work day, especially the "relax" an "wait" parts. Reminds me that I should focus on finding a method and allow the outcome to be my anchor until it's time to leave. THANK YOU.

YES! Everything I do is all a distraction. Just now, I thought of how grateful I am to have the workday; I don't know where I'd be without my work (probably even more miserable). The weekends are BAD. I no longer have friends in this area, so I'm left to my own devices. Though, to be honest, when they did live here, my depression prevented me from reaching out. So, idk, it's just a mess. Thank you for responding. Let me know if you'd like someone to talk to (someone with whom you can be angry, bitter and exhausted).

I feel all the things you mentioned. It's such a daily struggle.

 

[wilderj]

I feel all the things you mentioned. It's such a daily struggle.

I'm so sorry. It's a terrible struggle.