Help I feel so trapped, alone and hopeless and its just getting too much

[ScaredGirl]

I tried to make a post of my life story and the things that are tearing me apart but I think it got taken down...
I JUST CANT TAKE IT AND ITS DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY I FEEL NO ENJOYMENT JUST PAIN GUILT AND DYSPHORIA.

Where can I get SN and Meto in the UK If i do this I dont want to end up more disabled

gist is my name is Lillie, I am 21 and trans female. I have chronic depression, general anxiety, social anxiety, gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, Fibromyalgia, Ehlers danlos syndrome, Autism and ADHD.

I hate my face, my body and my voice. I have been on HRT for 2 years and i am 4 years on self voice therapy, I feel my genetics and weight and height have me forever ugly. I want to mutilate the down below parts because they are not the right parts. I try so hard to get help and community but its so triggering and people rae so horrid especially those better off who get results with minimal time and effort.

I have been abused sexually, emotionally, mentally and physically all my life and the cPTSD I have is unbearable I can't function socially or independently I can't make friends, I can't go outside or online. I am isolated and I cant stop breaking down with anxiety, panic and envy. I want to be happy with my face, body, voice, mental health and myself as a person.

I don't want to be here anymore I never have wanted to be here. I have been trying my best to be positive and fix everything for years but things just don't want to get better, I am disabled so i cant get a job or practice things because I am constant pain and can barely move, I am tired of being ugly.

I live in the UK and the NHS are horrible at treating mental health and dysphoria I cant earn money to pay for treatments or get surgeries for my dysphoria but I dont think it can fix these horrid genetics.

I want to end it all with Meto SN and CTB to peace where nobody can hurt me anymore where the pain will end. I need help I need people who won't judge me. My girlfriend she constantly tells me to stop when i feel suicidal when i tell her I am in crisis she scoulds me and I hvae to just be quiet. I am not able to function socially, be cool, be pretty, be attaractive or be skilled. I don't want to be the ugly weird girl who just lives indoors because she is disabled and unwanted.

My family have only finally started making effort to accept me as the woman I am and I am so torn with guilt. these people hvae hurt me all my life and allowed e to be hurt andd my future to be really limited. I dont want to ever hurt anyone I always try to help people but I just cant live with the dysphoria the anxiety the pain the constant comparing myself to others the constant feeling trapped and unable to be good at things accomplish things and live.

I want to take my life but i dont want to be alone on my last days I know I will be forgotten I don't think anyone cares enough for me to even be a TDOR mention despite the massive amount of work and activism I hvae poured into the trans community. I want to be remembered as the REAL FULL girl that I always have been and am.

Please help me, once I get the ingredients and take it there is no turning back. I dont feel loved, wanted or appreciated and I dont feel like anyone has ever really accpeted me as the girl I am, found me attractive or worth their time.

 

[Teal_Blue_Dreams]

Lillie! You are not alone. This community is here for you. I am here for you. Wanna be friends? You can PM me any time.

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. It sounds terrible and my heart breaks for you. I can hear your pain and suffering. You are heard. You are strong (and smart - I can tell!) and have taken a big step in reaching out for support. So many hugs to you girl!

 

[ScaredGirl]

Lillie! You are not alone. This community is here for you. I am here for you. Wanna be friends? You can PM me any time.

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. It sounds terrible and my heart breaks for you. I can hear your pain and suffering. You are heard. You are strong (and smart - I can tell!) and have taken a big step in reaching out for support. So many hugs to you girl!

Thank you dear I just can't express all the pain and it would take hours to write all the crap that I have gone through and go through even the UK helplines just sit there quietly overwhelmed by what I tell them... I want to live but I CAN'T

 

[Spitfire]

You do not have to be alone.

This is what we are here for and for help if you need it want it and post please know it is true.

 

[ScaredGirl]

You do not have to be alone.

This is what we are here for and for help if you need it want it and post please know it is true.

Thank you dear

 

[Teal_Blue_Dreams]

Thank you dear I just can't express all the pain and it would take hours to write all the crap that I have gone through and go through even the UK helplines just sit there quietly overwhelmed by what I tell them... I want to live but I CAN'T

just take it a day at a time. a minute at a time. and we will get to talk about everything.

i understand not wanting to live. i don't either. but you know what has helped me when i get down? this place! there are some great guys and gals on here. we all want to take a permanent dirt nap, lillie. don't worry. we will lean on each other.

You do not have to be alone.

This is what we are here for and for help if you need it want it and post please know it is true.

you rock!

 

[Spitfire]

Thank you dear

You are welcome and thank you too.

 

[ScaredGirl]

just take it a day at a time. a minute at a time. and we will get to talk about everything.

i understand not wanting to live. i don't either. but you know what has helped me when i get down? this place! there are some great guys and gals on here. we all want to take a permanent dirt nap, lillie. don't worry. we will lean on each other.

you rock!

Thank you I do try take it that way but I see any other girl and my brain goes into panic mode where I start comparing myself. I am so much uglies, I can't have children, I am too anxious, my disabilities and pain makes me inept so I can't be good at things even though I try my best. Im not good enough I can't shake these feelings...

 

[Teal_Blue_Dreams]

Where can I get SN and Meto in the UK If i do this I dont want to end up more disabled

I'm in the US. I don't know about the UK.

I hate my face, my body and my voice. I have been on HRT for 2 years and i am 4 years on self voice therapy, I feel my genetics and weight and height have me forever ugly. I want to mutilate the down below parts because they are not the right parts. I try so hard to get help and community but its so triggering and people rae so horrid especially those better off who get results with minimal time and effort.

Have you ever been on here before?

I have been abused sexually, emotionally, mentally and physically all my life and the cPTSD I have is unbearable I can't function socially or independently I can't make friends, I can't go outside or online. I am isolated and I cant stop breaking down with anxiety, panic and envy. I want to be happy with my face, body, voice, mental health and myself as a person.

You are online now! :-)

I want to end it all with Meto SN and CTB to peace where nobody can hurt me anymore where the pain will end. I need help I need people who won't judge me. My girlfriend she constantly tells me to stop when i feel suicidal when i tell her I am in crisis she scoulds me and I hvae to just be quiet. I am not able to function socially, be cool, be pretty, be attaractive or be skilled. I don't want to be the ugly weird girl who just lives indoors because she is disabled and unwanted.

Unfortch, most people wont understand. Many of us here have learned this the hard way. I don't tell anyone outside shit anymore. Only my family here. We will understand. Be cautious with the "normies" bc they don't understand and will be judgemental and hurtful. I've lost all of my friends bc of my mood disorder but I am gaining friends here.

I want to take my life but i dont want to be alone on my last days I know I will be forgotten I don't think anyone cares enough for me to even be a TDOR mention despite the massive amount of work and activism I hvae poured into the trans community. I want to be remembered as the REAL FULL girl that I always have been and am.

I worry about being forgotten too. I feel like no one will care what happens to me. I understand. You are a REAL FULL girl to me so what are you talking about? lol Anyone who says anything else can fuck off. You know who you are and you will make friends that know who you are. PERIOD.

 

[ScaredGirl]

I'm in the US. I don't know about the UK.

Have you ever been on here before?

You are online now! :-)

Unfortch, most people wont understand. Many of us here have learned this the hard way. I don't tell anyone outside shit anymore. Only my family here. We will understand. Be cautious with the "normies" bc they don't understand and will be judgemental and hurtful. I've lost all of my friends bc of my mood disorder but I am gaining friends here.

I worry about being forgotten too. I feel like no one will care what happens to me. I understand. You are a REAL FULL girl to me so what are you talking about? lol Anyone who says anything else can fuck off. You know who you are and you will make friends that know who you are. PERIOD.

PLease please please I need friends I need family I need real people who will understand me love me and not judge me hurt me or put me down...

 

[foxdie]

I'm not trans and I can't even imagine the pain of experiencing the ignorance and hate of this world that comes from that. I don't understand why people can't just accept others when all they want is to be their true self. Or at the very least leave people alone if their ignorance makes it bother them.

I'm so sorry your life has been so hard for you. People can be so cruel it's so unfair. I'm also sorry you've ended up here but I hope you can find some sense of support and community here. Welcome

 

[Teal_Blue_Dreams]

Thank you I do try take it that way but I see any other girl and my brain goes into panic mode where I start comparing myself. I am so much uglies, I can't have children, I am too anxious, my disabilities and pain makes me inept so I can't be good at things even though I try my best. Im not good enough I can't shake these feelings...

you can feel whatever feelings you want and it's ok. don't beat yourself up. when we panic (i do a lot) we look at everything at once and get overwhelmed. gotta break it down to one thing at a time. one thing you can cross off the list is - if you want to ctb - having kids isn't a good plan anyway, right?

btw - do you think i take any of this advice i'm giving you? no, i think i am a piece of shit and i hate myself. lol.

I'm not trans and I can't even imagine the pain of experiencing the ignorance and hate of this world that comes from that. I don't understand why people can't just accept others when all they want is to be their true self. Or at the very least leave people alone if their ignorance makes it bother them.

I'm so sorry your life has been so hard for you. People can be so cruel it's so unfair. I'm also sorry you've ended up here but I hope you can find some sense of support and community here. Welcome

wonderful. perfectly stated!

 

[Sakura94]

I have Klinefelter's and I resent my parent's for even having me since it was years before I could even speak properly. (For me it's the same thing as transwoman though I was denied much of any gendered childhood).
So yeah I know it sucks having mismatched features. I wish I could reach out but I feel I'm on a downward spiral, mentally and in physical health. I still think one of them gave me long covid since this cough isn't going away.