Venting I feel so much guilt for doing this to my family. I'm so scared and profoundly sad.

[roju]

Why do I feel peace and calming when planning how I will CBT, but then I get very anxious and sad thinking how will my family be after my death?

Disclaimer: It often hard for me to articulate myself well, because english is not my mother language. I'm sorry about that. But I will try.

Unfortunately, I have read many experiences (on reddit) of people whose family members have committed suicide. Siblings and parents who lost a daughter... I can't help but cry when I read some of these stories. I feel so much guilt for go to do the same to my family.

I have a chronic disease. That's why I suffer every day. There is no cure for this condition. Acquired this condition has led me to a deep deep depression. I don't eat or get out of bed, and I just think about death and suicide all the time.

I already have all the ingredients with me. My method will be SN. All these days I have been cleaning my SSDs, my laptops, my social networks, deleting some photos... I am also studying "Stan's Guide to SN" and the Quarky00 FAQ. When I do those tasks I feel calm.

However, when I stay for a long time thinking about what will be like the after death... I don't feel confident. I feel like the reasons that led me here are just unfair. This is impossible to be true. Is impossible I have to end my life due to tinnitus. But I can't endure anymore. I need peace and rest.

Of course I am afraid about post-existence. But I'm also bothered by ""stupid"" things like the autopsy (same as here), what they will do with my corpse (I don't trust any of these people, better leave my corpse alone), cremation... But above all that stuff, what bothers me the most is thinking about my little brother, my parents and my ex-partner-best friend (who still loves me). I am very very sad for them, I don't want them to suffer... It just make me cry talking about that. They don't deserve that... and I don't know how it will be possible for me to fix this situation. They have supported me a lot during this year in which I have been totally sunk and depressed due to tinnitus. They support me today and always and have never let me behind. How I dare to doing this to them?

I guess all this seems like I'm not ready to do CBT yet, but then what? What should I do? What awaits me? Just more pain. I have literally been homebound for months. I don't talk to absolutely anyone, I don't eat, I don't get out of bed, I don't watch series or games, I just listen to sad music, I take pills and sometimes beer.

So if I can't die, what kind of life is this? I'm trapped? I'm meant to be stuck in this miserable life forever?

Sorry for the rant. I'm just stupid.

 

[Thinking]

I am tortured by very similar thoughts. I am blessed with loving parents and a good friend, but it would be so much easier to ctb if they weren't in my life. I feel trapped and frustrated.

 

[WillOxyWork]

The same thoughts torture me all the time. It's pretty much the only thing holding me back at this point. My parents would be destroyed. At least they have a daughter and a grandson, though. I'm not too close with my sister so I think she would be okay eventually.


I also want to ctb because of tinnitus. It's such a bullshit, life-ruining condition that no one understands until they get it themselves

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Yes I feel sad for my family/friends too. That's what keeps me away from doing it.

 

[MsMaudlin]

Why do I feel peace and calming when planning how I will CBT, but then I get very anxious and sad thinking how will my family be after my death?

Disclaimer: It often hard for me to articulate myself well, because english is not my mother language. I'm sorry about that. But I will try.

Unfortunately, I have read many experiences (on reddit) of people whose family members have committed suicide. Siblings and parents who lost a daughter... I can't help but cry when I read some of these stories. I feel so much guilt for go to do the same to my family.

I have a chronic disease. That's why I suffer every day. There is no cure for this condition. Acquired this condition has led me to a deep deep depression. I don't eat or get out of bed, and I just think about death and suicide all the time.

I already have all the ingredients with me. My method will be SN. All these days I have been cleaning my SSDs, my laptops, my social networks, deleting some photos... I am also studying "Stan's Guide to SN" and the Quarky00 FAQ. When I do those tasks I feel calm.

However, when I stay for a long time thinking about what will be like the after death... I don't feel confident. I feel like the reasons that led me here are just unfair. This is impossible to be true. Is impossible I have to end my life due to tinnitus. But I can't endure anymore. I need peace and rest.

Of course I am afraid about post-existence. But I'm also bothered by ""stupid"" things like the autopsy (same as here), what they will do with my corpse (I don't trust any of these people, better leave my corpse alone), cremation... But above all that stuff, what bothers me the most is thinking about my little brother, my parents and my ex-partner-best friend (who still loves me). I am very very sad for them, I don't want them to suffer... It just make me cry talking about that. They don't deserve that... and I don't know how it will be possible for me to fix this situation. They have supported me a lot during this year in which I have been totally sunk and depressed due to tinnitus. They support me today and always and have never let me behind. How I dare to doing this to them?

I guess all this seems like I'm not ready to do CBT yet, but then what? What should I do? What awaits me? Just more pain. I have literally been homebound for months. I don't talk to absolutely anyone, I don't eat, I don't get out of bed, I don't watch series or games, I just listen to sad music, I take pills and sometimes beer.

So if I can't die, what kind of life is this? I'm trapped? I'm meant to be stuck in this miserable life forever?

Sorry for the rant. I'm just stupid.

Gosh, I could have written that myself. I really do understand how you feel
❤

 

[JGT]

Mothers often keep us here in the hellhole.She has helped me so much, it's so hard

 

[The Dark Chaos]

First of all, you're not stupidd. Secondlyyy, I feel you. I'm tornn apart between the same things. Everyyone has done soo muchh for me but I? I have onlyy hurted them, yelled at them andd pushedd them awayy. I feel horrible for all this. I don't wannnaa cause them more painn byy myy deathh but I don't knoww howw longg I'll be able to do this..

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I think a lot of us feel this. I know it's what has kept from succeeding in my two attempts so far.

We have no control over how people mourn, but we do know that our death will affect them in some way. I know the death of my best friend has plagued me for the last 13 years. It's not his fault.

We think of it as being our fault because we perform the final act. But really, we are too damaged to carry on. It is an act of self care, and as I read in another thread here, self care is not selfish. Sometimes we have to do what's best for us. Perhaps the best we can do in these situations is to prepare our families and ensure that everything is in order for them.

I'm not saying it's easy. I wish it was. I wish I could talk openly with my family and friends about my intentions, so that they could fully understand my reasoning and that they have time to mentally prepare for my passing. Unfortunately, we live in a society where we can't do that. I can't talk openly, because I'll be labeled mentally ill and locked up against my will. I'm already trapped in a cage. I don't want to be trapped in a cage within a cage. I want out.

Know that we feel for you. You will end up making whatever choice is best for your situation, and we will support you.

 

[TAW122]

You aren't alone in feeling guilt for your loved ones and family. I felt similar feelings too, however, part of me that helps me get over it is that I'm living my own life and they aren't, thus they aren't going through the exact things I'm going through. But that doesn't mean my reasons or wanting to go is any less valid or important. In fact, it is just as important if not more so. At the end of the day, only you can decide what is best for you, whether it is to keep on or find peace. I wish you will find peace in whatever choice you decide to make, whether it is to continue living or finding self-deliverance from this existence.

 

[Linda]

The same thoughts torture me all the time. It's pretty much the only thing holding me back at this point. My parents would be destroyed. At least they have a daughter and a grandson, though. I'm not too close with my sister so I think she would be okay eventually.


I also want to ctb because of tinnitus. It's such a bullshit, life-ruining condition that no one understands until they get it themselves

I too have suffered from tinnitus, because of a brain tumor. I forced myself to ignore it, and now I rarely even notice it. I don't know if that approach will work for you (it may depend on what caused the tinnitus) but you could try it. You have nothing to lose.

 

[WillOxyWork]

I too have suffered from tinnitus, because of a brain tumor. I forced myself to ignore it, and now I rarely even notice it. I don't know if that approach will work for you (it may depend on what caused the tinnitus) but you could try it. You have nothing to lose.

Thanks. I've been trying my best to ignore it, but it's tough because I have a hearing distortion that makes an unmaskable whistling noise over other noises. I'm working on it, but the worst part about all of this is how my life has drastically changed as a consequence of this condition.