Venting I feel so lost

[LogicalConclusion]

I feel so empty and exhausted, like in my core exhausted. One of the major fears I had that was pushing me to ctb I discovered is unfounded. For years, I have labored under the impression that I was expected to give 10010% effort towards therapy and "getting better." So I did, because I wanted to do the right thing. And I want to be able to process things. The problem is that I need therapy, but I've been traumatized by therapy and it's been weaponized against me as a child, so how tf do you deal with that? Anyway, I found out that because I have other services besides a therapist, I shouldn't have any issues with the government cutting off my disability. However, instead of making me feel relieved, I feel even worse. After a few days of thinking I realized that my ideas of what I thought was expected of me were a product of trauma, things that my mother and the place I previously lived ingrained in me. Where I used to live, the government is incredibly cruel and makes you work full-time to keep benefits so that most people won't be able to keep up and end up getting cut off. They'll generally only approve you for disability if you're dying and will literally kick you off once you're not actively dying anymore, even if you are still very ill. I was not approved for disability until I moved despite a over a decade of hospitalizations, therapy, and psychiatry. But now that I'm approved, I feel guilty all the time for being so worthless and unable to contribute anything meaningful or useful to the world.

So now my problem is that I have no idea what life is outside of therapy and aggressively seeking treatment. Tbh, I feel quite similarly to how I did after I got out of the cult and learned what had actually happened to me and my friend. When I'm not distracting myself, I feel like I'm standing on the precipice of an abyss in my mind and I can't decide whether or not to let it swallow me whole. The foundations of who I am and what I believe are crumbling in the same way. I don't know how to explain what that is like to someone who hasn't experienced it other than saying it is like not being sure of anything anymore, not knowing who you are, what your beliefs are or why you have certain beliefs, not knowing what direction to go in or where to even begin, and struggling with general, deep existential crisis.

What can I even salvage, if anything? I can't work, let alone take care of myself on my own, and I don't know what meaning, if any, there is to be found. The only things keeping me going right now are my pets, this site, studying language, and video games. I'm not capable of going to school for many reasons, but a big one aside from the fact that I can barely leave my house on my own is that I cannot maintain consistent effort on anything for longer than a month or so, if that. I can't function in even a remotely "normal" way and now I have to either fix this crisis on my own somehow or just ctb. I don't even know what I want. Is it even worth it to put in the effort? Knowing that I probably won't ever reintegrate from trauma? That I'm just going to have this monologuing, arguing and screaming constantly in my head? That I'm just going to have endless waves of crippling depression that I can't do anything about since I can't do therapy and the meds are as good as they'll get? I don't know what the point is. I don't know anything anymore.

 

[sunny.sativa]

First off, you've humbled me and reminded me that my life ain't so damn bad and that I need to stop bitching.
Thank you.


You're a strong ass person, my friend. You've fought this hard for this long, how could you give up now?! You've gotten through YEARS of pain and suffering and perseverance, and endured an impressive long while of unfailing resilience, you could have given up long ago.
You didn't. Don't you see how badass that actually is?

What you said was that you can possibly "fix this crisis on your own". That is pretty wonderful in itself. Some people don't even have that capability, but if you do, I'd say take it. What's to lose?

I don't like saying "I'm sorry" for things that I can't fix/aren't of my doing. I don't like to say,"I'm sorry" to display some glib form of pity, but I truly wish you didn't have to go through all this. It seems extremely difficult. I think you're doing a wonderful job.

 

[LogicalConclusion]

@sunny.sativa Thank you for your kind words. Honestly made me cry a bit. First I'd like to say, don't use my experiences to invalidate yourself, your feelings are still valid and there's no need to compare, although I know society drills it into us about how "other people have it worse."

As for giving up now, I just don't know that I have the strength anymore. I used to try to fight for others who were unable to do so for themselves, I have a very strong protector instinct much more so for others than for myself, and generally hold the belief that we should care for and protect the weak and the vulnerable, except...I can't seem to feel that as applying to me. I feel like a failure, worthless, burdensome, annoying, needy, stupid. The reason I fought so hard previously was to help move my friend out of the state we used to live in because there was no hope of life or safety there. I just drove myself into the ground trying to work a job I knew I couldn't maintain long in order to get the money to move here, get on disability, save money and get an apt so I could move my friend and the cats here. He took me in after I got kicked out at 18 and I would've been shelterless for nearly a decade without him. I owe him more than I can ever repay, but I needed to get us out of there. Still, I don't feel it does much to even the debt...

And I don't know that I am capable of solving this myself, but I don't have anyone else that can help me with it. So I bought Descartes' Discourse on Method and Meditations of First Philosophy because I have no choice but to build from nothing. I feel baseless, unsteady, uncertain, afraid...terrified, honestly. This is the scariest and most painful experience I've ever had and now it's happening again. And the old answers aren't relevant or sufficient now. Really thankful that a few people advised me on some reading material that may help. Just hoping I can gather the focus to read. Thanks again for your message and I hope you are doing well <3

 

[Soul]

It's very sweet to see that you two with your smiling puppy avatars have bonded.

One thing you can absolutely do is come to this forum and practice compassion. You can make a huge difference to people who are in need of compassion and understanding.

 

[not_a_robot]

I feel so empty and exhausted, like in my core exhausted. One of the major fears I had that was pushing me to ctb I discovered is unfounded. For years, I have labored under the impression that I was expected to give 10010% effort towards therapy and "getting better." So I did, because I wanted to do the right thing. And I want to be able to process things. The problem is that I need therapy, but I've been traumatized by therapy and it's been weaponized against me as a child, so how tf do you deal with that? Anyway, I found out that because I have other services besides a therapist, I shouldn't have any issues with the government cutting off my disability. However, instead of making me feel relieved, I feel even worse. After a few days of thinking I realized that my ideas of what I thought was expected of me were a product of trauma, things that my mother and the place I previously lived ingrained in me. Where I used to live, the government is incredibly cruel and makes you work full-time to keep benefits so that most people won't be able to keep up and end up getting cut off. They'll generally only approve you for disability if you're dying and will literally kick you off once you're not actively dying anymore, even if you are still very ill. I was not approved for disability until I moved despite a over a decade of hospitalizations, therapy, and psychiatry. But now that I'm approved, I feel guilty all the time for being so worthless and unable to contribute anything meaningful or useful to the world.

So now my problem is that I have no idea what life is outside of therapy and aggressively seeking treatment. Tbh, I feel quite similarly to how I did after I got out of the cult and learned what had actually happened to me and my friend. When I'm not distracting myself, I feel like I'm standing on the precipice of an abyss in my mind and I can't decide whether or not to let it swallow me whole. The foundations of who I am and what I believe are crumbling in the same way. I don't know how to explain what that is like to someone who hasn't experienced it other than saying it is like not being sure of anything anymore, not knowing who you are, what your beliefs are or why you have certain beliefs, not knowing what direction to go in or where to even begin, and struggling with general, deep existential crisis.

What can I even salvage, if anything? I can't work, let alone take care of myself on my own, and I don't know what meaning, if any, there is to be found. The only things keeping me going right now are my pets, this site, studying language, and video games. I'm not capable of going to school for many reasons, but a big one aside from the fact that I can barely leave my house on my own is that I cannot maintain consistent effort on anything for longer than a month or so, if that. I can't function in even a remotely "normal" way and now I have to either fix this crisis on my own somehow or just ctb. I don't even know what I want. Is it even worth it to put in the effort? Knowing that I probably won't ever reintegrate from trauma? That I'm just going to have this monologuing, arguing and screaming constantly in my head? That I'm just going to have endless waves of crippling depression that I can't do anything about since I can't do therapy and the meds are as good as they'll get? I don't know what the point is. I don't know anything anymore.

I replaced shitty therapy with weed and libraries. Not a "cure", I'm still suicidal, but it is much nicer.

 

[LogicalConclusion]

@Soul I hadn't even noticed that lol As for helping others, as much as I want to, I don't even have the strength to help myself rn. I've been awake for 21hrs and might be entering psychosis and delirium shortly. And I feel too fractured to provide anything of benefit. Really, I'm quite useless

@not_a_robot Yeah, that's kinda where I'm at rn too. Just waiting until I get paid to get some more weed. I'm pretty fucking drunk rn and I can't remember the last time I drank this much. And I've got some books I want to read if I can gather the focus. Everything is just so difficult and painful

 

[not_a_robot]

@Soul I hadn't even noticed that lol As for helping others, as much as I want to, I don't even have the strength to help myself rn. I've been awake for 21hrs and might be entering psychosis and delirium shortly. And I feel too fractured to provide anything of benefit. Really, I'm quite useless

@not_a_robot Yeah, that's kinda where I'm at rn too. Just waiting until I get paid to get some more weed. I'm pretty fucking drunk rn and I can't remember the last time I drank this much. And I've got some books I want to read if I can gather the focus. Everything is just so difficult and painful

Libraries have free dvd rental. I agree, I can't focus on books when under stress either. Just endless comedy dvds.

 

[Soul]

@Soul I hadn't even noticed that lol As for helping others, as much as I want to, I don't even have the strength to help myself rn. I've been awake for 21hrs and might be entering psychosis and delirium shortly. And I feel too fractured to provide anything of benefit. Really, I'm quite useless

In that case you can come here and let us practice compassion on you. That's a great good deed too. x

 

[Kokobushi_bae26]

I feel so empty and exhausted, like in my core exhausted. One of the major fears I had that was pushing me to ctb I discovered is unfounded. For years, I have labored under the impression that I was expected to give 10010% effort towards therapy and "getting better." So I did, because I wanted to do the right thing. And I want to be able to process things. The problem is that I need therapy, but I've been traumatized by therapy and it's been weaponized against me as a child, so how tf do you deal with that? Anyway, I found out that because I have other services besides a therapist, I shouldn't have any issues with the government cutting off my disability. However, instead of making me feel relieved, I feel even worse. After a few days of thinking I realized that my ideas of what I thought was expected of me were a product of trauma, things that my mother and the place I previously lived ingrained in me. Where I used to live, the government is incredibly cruel and makes you work full-time to keep benefits so that most people won't be able to keep up and end up getting cut off. They'll generally only approve you for disability if you're dying and will literally kick you off once you're not actively dying anymore, even if you are still very ill. I was not approved for disability until I moved despite a over a decade of hospitalizations, therapy, and psychiatry. But now that I'm approved, I feel guilty all the time for being so worthless and unable to contribute anything meaningful or useful to the world.

So now my problem is that I have no idea what life is outside of therapy and aggressively seeking treatment. Tbh, I feel quite similarly to how I did after I got out of the cult and learned what had actually happened to me and my friend. When I'm not distracting myself, I feel like I'm standing on the precipice of an abyss in my mind and I can't decide whether or not to let it swallow me whole. The foundations of who I am and what I believe are crumbling in the same way. I don't know how to explain what that is like to someone who hasn't experienced it other than saying it is like not being sure of anything anymore, not knowing who you are, what your beliefs are or why you have certain beliefs, not knowing what direction to go in or where to even begin, and struggling with general, deep existential crisis.

What can I even salvage, if anything? I can't work, let alone take care of myself on my own, and I don't know what meaning, if any, there is to be found. The only things keeping me going right now are my pets, this site, studying language, and video games. I'm not capable of going to school for many reasons, but a big one aside from the fact that I can barely leave my house on my own is that I cannot maintain consistent effort on anything for longer than a month or so, if that. I can't function in even a remotely "normal" way and now I have to either fix this crisis on my own somehow or just ctb. I don't even know what I want. Is it even worth it to put in the effort? Knowing that I probably won't ever reintegrate from trauma? That I'm just going to have this monologuing, arguing and screaming constantly in my head? That I'm just going to have endless waves of crippling depression that I can't do anything about since I can't do therapy and the meds are as good as they'll get? I don't know what the point is. I don't know anything anymore.

this made me really emotional. I feel so much of this..so so much

 

[Ladylethal]

Damn I can really relate to this...

You really have a way with words! Have you considered starting a blog or writing articles/ term papers for cash etc? You could stay home and be in your comfort zone.

Just a fun idea.

 

[LogicalConclusion]

In that case you can come here and let us practice compassion on you. That's a great good deed too. x

I really appreciate what you're saying but I guess I feel like I'm goddamn annoying because I am certainly annoyed with myself

Damn I can really relate to this...

You really have a way with words! Have you considered starting a blog or writing articles/ term papers for cash etc? You could stay home and be in your comfort zone.

Just a fun idea.

Hey, thanks :) It'd be nice to be able to do that but I really can't communicate well and have too much stress already. Currently trying to just write and try to sort all of the chaos in my head. So maybe one day, but this is where my new rant comes in...

New rant:
I am enraged and extremely offended that some of my workers are trying to force me into a "goal" of attending 4 LGBTQ+ groups a year. That might sound reasonable, except that I have autism and an assload of trauma. Let's look at the situation this way: I am standing on the edge of this abyss everyday with questions like "Who am I? What am I? Why am I? How am I? What is true and how do we know? What is it to know?" This is the worst feeling I've ever had, the most utterly terrifying, and the first time it happened was after I got out of the cult, as I've said. Well, the leader of said cult forced me to go 3-4 support group meetings a day. I am not going to explain what kind of support groups. But I don't understand how that would be a good idea, to put myself in a situation I KNOW is going to trigger the fuck out of me while I'm dealing with the same problem I had post-cult. I'm done suffering by doing what people want and expect of me to prove to them that it doesn't help. I'm not taking this anymore. If I cannot control my life because of the expectations of the state, this is not a life worth living.

Now, I'm not even able to take care of myself on my own and do not currently have a PCA, so my apartment is a disaster, it's covered in cat and dog fur, dishes are dirty, boxes all over that need to be broken down, etc, and I'm too physically ill from stress to manage it. Why put me in a situation that will significantly detract my ability to take care of myself and the apt even more? I am in a very fragile and precarious state rn where I need to be left the fuck alone unless I choose to talk to someone, and choose who I talk to, from the safety of my home where I can leave the situation very easily by just doing something else and don't have to worry about "how am I going to get home?" while freaking the fuck out. I am trying to create safety for myself and because of how triggered I am by so many things, I have to have the ability to filter out everything I possibly can to reduce stress and try to figure things out.

My worker was on the phone with me and I was trying to explain why this wouldn't be helpful immediately after waking up and she went on for about 10min with "Oh, this will be good for you. You need to socialize, it's good. Studies have shown over and over that isolation when you're depressed is bad." I wanted to scream at her or hang up but had to stifle every urge in my and just "mmhmm" and "yup" at appropriate intervals until she finally was satisfied and let me go. Then I called my friend to talk about all of this, my mind brimming with unformulated words, trying to explain things but he kept interrupting me. I am not able to hold onto my thoughts so once someone interrupts me, my entire train of thought goes poof. I wanted to scream and pull my hair out. I feel somewhat bad for that urge because he was just here today helping me with some things, but right now I am completely fed up with listening to other people. I want them to listen to me for once. These people need to stop acting like they know me and my situation better than I do because it's completely arrogant and condescending.

The pressure needs to come off. This is not right. If they're so pro-life, they need to let me do things my way because this is my fucking life and I am trying to claim that so people are not "above" me and telling me what I need to do anymore. No more trauma re-enactment. I don't know what life is outside of that, but I am not doing that anymore.

 

[sunny.sativa]

@sunny.sativa Thank you for your kind words. Honestly made me cry a bit. First I'd like to say, don't use my experiences to invalidate yourself, your feelings are still valid and there's no need to compare, although I know society drills it into us about how "other people have it worse."

As for giving up now, I just don't know that I have the strength anymore. I used to try to fight for others who were unable to do so for themselves, I have a very strong protector instinct much more so for others than for myself, and generally hold the belief that we should care for and protect the weak and the vulnerable, except...I can't seem to feel that as applying to me. I feel like a failure, worthless, burdensome, annoying, needy, stupid. The reason I fought so hard previously was to help move my friend out of the state we used to live in because there was no hope of life or safety there. I just drove myself into the ground trying to work a job I knew I couldn't maintain long in order to get the money to move here, get on disability, save money and get an apt so I could move my friend and the cats here. He took me in after I got kicked out at 18 and I would've been shelterless for nearly a decade without him. I owe him more than I can ever repay, but I needed to get us out of there. Still, I don't feel it does much to even the debt...

And I don't know that I am capable of solving this myself, but I don't have anyone else that can help me with it. So I bought Descartes' Discourse on Method and Meditations of First Philosophy because I have no choice but to build from nothing. I feel baseless, unsteady, uncertain, afraid...terrified, honestly. This is the scariest and most painful experience I've ever had and now it's happening again. And the old answers aren't relevant or sufficient now. Really thankful that a few people advised me on some reading material that may help. Just hoping I can gather the focus to read. Thanks again for your message and I hope you are doing well <3

Thank you. I really hope you had a nice day today.

That's some heavy shit, friend. Not gonna lie. I don't want to be that person with the abrasive optimism but you really seem to have some gumption down in there. Your current problem will not last forever if .. well, when you get past it, right? I mean, the whole "ten years from now won't be the same" is really cliché and rather annoying, in my opinion, but it hit me the other day that.. damn...
We get one time, y'know? If it's shit, it's shit. Embrace the suck. It usually sucks but there are really, really tiny, infrequent (for most people) moments amongst the suck that are really fuckin great. Maybe we don't have a future, but we have a now? You can do what you want, y'know? Fuck it. Take it for what it is and.. enjoy a bag of gas-station cashews, while you're at it.

I'm .. I don't know what I'm saying at this point, I'm sleep deprived, but I wish I could put all of my motivation and hopes and dreams and "fuck it. why not?" attitude into a ziploc and mail it to you. You're important. Our planet is running out of people that love other people and to lose you would suck.

 

[WinterIsComing]

Sorry for being a little off topic but those dogs avatars should be a meme lol

 

[Soul]

I wish I could put all of my motivation and hopes and dreams and "fuck it. why not?" attitude into a ziploc and mail it to you. You're important. Our planet is running out of people that love other people and to lose you would suck.

@LogicalConclusion, here's some more to add to @sunny.sativa's ziploc. (((Hugs)))

You write wonderfully. Can you send what you just wrote up there to the person who's pressuring you and to your friend? No one could read that and fail to understand that you're not only fragile but also enormously valuable and ornate. You will get stronger but not by being pushed like that. (((more hugs)))

 

[not_a_robot]

I really appreciate what you're saying but I guess I feel like I'm goddamn annoying because I am certainly annoyed with myself


Hey, thanks :) It'd be nice to be able to do that but I really can't communicate well and have too much stress already. Currently trying to just write and try to sort all of the chaos in my head. So maybe one day, but this is where my new rant comes in...

New rant:
I am enraged and extremely offended that some of my workers are trying to force me into a "goal" of attending 4 LGBTQ+ groups a year. That might sound reasonable, except that I have autism and an assload of trauma. Let's look at the situation this way: I am standing on the edge of this abyss everyday with questions like "Who am I? What am I? Why am I? How am I? What is true and how do we know? What is it to know?" This is the worst feeling I've ever had, the most utterly terrifying, and the first time it happened was after I got out of the cult, as I've said. Well, the leader of said cult forced me to go 3-4 support group meetings a day. I am not going to explain what kind of support groups. But I don't understand how that would be a good idea, to put myself in a situation I KNOW is going to trigger the fuck out of me while I'm dealing with the same problem I had post-cult. I'm done suffering by doing what people want and expect of me to prove to them that it doesn't help. I'm not taking this anymore. If I cannot control my life because of the expectations of the state, this is not a life worth living.

Now, I'm not even able to take care of myself on my own and do not currently have a PCA, so my apartment is a disaster, it's covered in cat and dog fur, dishes are dirty, boxes all over that need to be broken down, etc, and I'm too physically ill from stress to manage it. Why put me in a situation that will significantly detract my ability to take care of myself and the apt even more? I am in a very fragile and precarious state rn where I need to be left the fuck alone unless I choose to talk to someone, and choose who I talk to, from the safety of my home where I can leave the situation very easily by just doing something else and don't have to worry about "how am I going to get home?" while freaking the fuck out. I am trying to create safety for myself and because of how triggered I am by so many things, I have to have the ability to filter out everything I possibly can to reduce stress and try to figure things out.

My worker was on the phone with me and I was trying to explain why this wouldn't be helpful immediately after waking up and she went on for about 10min with "Oh, this will be good for you. You need to socialize, it's good. Studies have shown over and over that isolation when you're depressed is bad." I wanted to scream at her or hang up but had to stifle every urge in my and just "mmhmm" and "yup" at appropriate intervals until she finally was satisfied and let me go. Then I called my friend to talk about all of this, my mind brimming with unformulated words, trying to explain things but he kept interrupting me. I am not able to hold onto my thoughts so once someone interrupts me, my entire train of thought goes poof. I wanted to scream and pull my hair out. I feel somewhat bad for that urge because he was just here today helping me with some things, but right now I am completely fed up with listening to other people. I want them to listen to me for once. These people need to stop acting like they know me and my situation better than I do because it's completely arrogant and condescending.

The pressure needs to come off. This is not right. If they're so pro-life, they need to let me do things my way because this is my fucking life and I am trying to claim that so people are not "above" me and telling me what I need to do anymore. No more trauma re-enactment. I don't know what life is outside of that, but I am not doing that anymore.

Your biggest problem is that you are autistic and instead of living a life that accommodates that condition, you are constantly forced to pretend that you can become "normal" by simply mimicking the lives of NTs.
Why is this still happening? You need to show your therapists the newest data on autistic masking and suicide. No amount of "pretending to be like everybody else" will ever make you feel better, only worse. But you need to assert this to the dumb insensitive shitheads who surround you.
(I am an asshole if I am making this sound easy, I know it isn't. I still can't do it. People push and push and push me to "act normal", until I have a screaming meltdown because they refuse to listen, then they just call me crazy for screaming. It's impossible.)
Your therapists are incompetent and refusing to listen to you. You have got to cut that relationship off, or it will kill you. Cut it today.

 

[Pan]

I replaced shitty therapy with weed and libraries. Not a "cure", I'm still suicidal, but it is much nicer.

Thumbs up from a former librarian