Venting I feel so lonely

[TStorm]

I've never been great at connecting with other people. I try but always fail, especially in romantic relationships. But even normal relationships I can't seem to manage. It's so so so so stupid but I was friends with these people on discord. We haven't talked in awhile but someone posted saying they wanted to archive our old server and make a new one. They posted a link to it, but it had expired by the time I saw it. So I posted my art in a different channel and went on my way.

Then they posted a new link and I clicked on it to go to the new server. But they had a security measure in place I guess so they could approve who got in. But they didn't approve me. They don't want me. I knew it. I just knew it. I got upset and left both servers. I can tell when I'm not wanted. (They approved other people who joined after me and I posted in the introduction channel like everyone else. It wasn't that they didn't see me or something. It's not a big server like 10 people)

I always feel like an outcast. I dunno what I'm doing wrong. I'm just wrong. I SH for the first time in two years. I broke. I feel like I must punish myself for even thinking I could have friends and be happy. I want to hurt more and more and more until I'm numb to everything. I thought we were friends. I thought. We had so much fun together before but now all those memories of us making art and chatting together feels horrible in the pit of my stomach.

I don't have any friends in real life after I pushed everyone away. I didn't mean to, life is so exhausting and I can't get out of bed. So now I have no one. I see my old friends on Twitter and they look so happy and I'm here. A nothing person. I don't know why I'm still sticking around. It all feels so pointless. I keep having dreams where I die and I feel so happy until I wake up and I'm alive. I don't know why I'm so scared to actually do it if I have nothing. I hate that I have some stupid urge to live when there is no point. I want to sleep my life away if I can't die. Being awake is too painful.

 

[mx5nb3]

Hi TStorm.
If those 'friends' aren't decent enough to talk to you and at least tell you what they feel, they aren't worth your time. Finding people that are genuinely understanding and supportive is incredibly difficult, it is not your fault in any way. Most people just cant face the raw emotions and realities that people with depression and other illnesses experience and live with. They are in their little 'bubble world', happy as can be. They cant understand because they've never been in your position. I suggest you try to find people that have been in similar shoes and can really be there for you. Anyways I hope things get better. Take care, TStorm

 

[TStorm]

Hi TStorm.
If those 'friends' aren't decent enough to talk to you and at least tell you what they feel, they aren't worth your time. Finding people that are genuinely understanding and supportive is incredibly difficult, it is not your fault in any way. Most people just cant face the raw emotions and realities that people with depression and other illnesses experience and live with. They are in their little 'bubble world', happy as can be. They cant understand because they've never been in your position. I suggest you try to find people that have been in similar shoes and can really be there for you. Anyways I hope things get better. Take care, TStorm

Thanks. I really tried to not show my depressive side to them a lot. I mean I guess it comes through, but I tried to be upbeat and happy and have fun! So maybe I was annoying. I one time got a little upset because I thought my art was bad and I compared it to someone else who I thought was better, which isn't very nice, but I apologized. It's probably my fault. And they didn't want to upset me but I rather they just told me to go away. I would've gone away! I feel more betrayed this way. I dunno where to find friends. It doesn't seem worth the effort really. If I die then they'll be sad anyway so why should I do that to someone. I am very conflicted I guess. I'm lonely but I don't want to hurt. No matter what I do there is pain.

 

[Eren]

Hello, I know what you're going through, I feel this way all the time, loneliness is really horrible, if you need to talk you can send me a PM

 

[mx5nb3]

Thanks. I really tried to not show my depressive side to them a lot. I mean I guess it comes through, but I tried to be upbeat and happy and have fun! So maybe I was annoying. I one time got a little upset because I thought my art was bad and I compared it to someone else who I thought was better, which isn't very nice, but I apologized. It's probably my fault. And they didn't want to upset me but I rather they just told me to go away. I would've gone away! I feel more betrayed this way. I dunno where to find friends. It doesn't seem worth the effort really. If I die then they'll be sad anyway so why should I do that to someone. I am very conflicted I guess. I'm lonely but I don't want to hurt. No matter what I do there is pain.

I went through the same problem trying to conceal my depressive side with a girl I liked. I tried too hard to be upbeat and positive and I guess she found it weird and/or annoying and just started distancing herself from me, not really opening up or reaching out to me. Eventually i sabotoged the "friendship", just like many times before. Yeah, finding friends when you have depression is very difficult. People just dont get it :( . Anyways I hope your conflicts will settle and that peace will make its way into your life. Take care and stay strong TStorm❤

 

[all_pointless]

You can talk to me. Until I buy ligature in a couple days.
I feel so done I felt the last paragraph I relate.

 

[TStorm]

I went through the same problem trying to conceal my depressive side with a girl I liked. I tried too hard to be upbeat and positive and I guess she found it weird and/or annoying and just started distancing herself from me, not really opening up or reaching out to me. Eventually i sabotoged the "friendship", just like many times before. Yeah, finding friends when you have depression is very difficult. People just dont get it :( . Anyways I hope your conflicts will settle and that peace will make its way into your life. Take care and stay strong TStorm❤

I feel like I can't win. I am depressed and everyone hates me for being annoying. I act happy and everyone hated me for being annoying. I can try and find a middle ground but maybe it's too late for that.

Also I feel anxious PMing people because other users messaged me for personal info and I don't want to give that info out. I am, very, um? Worried about people finding me on this website I don't want to risk anything. I'm sorry!

 

[crybaby]

I feel so lonely too ;(

 

[DeadButDreaming]

I, too, have been rejected constantly through out my life. I try to identify what it is that repels them and conclude that it is my sickness (depression) that drives them away. Healthy people are instinctually driven to avoid the sick.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Yah, I'm lonely, too.

 

[disabledandhopeless]

Me too. Guess we are all lonely :(

 

[serah]

I understand how you're feeling and it truly is one of the worst feelings in the world. If you ever want to talk I'm down! Nobody deserves to feel alone in a world with 7 billion other people.

 

[ZardozOmega]

I'm lonely too, I know how it feels

 

[Close_to_freedom]

Do you go on /r9k?

 

[TStorm]

Do you go on /r9k?

I had to look up what that is, so nope. I don't go on that website.

 

[Close_to_freedom]

I had to look up what that is, so nope. I don't go on that website.

It's for the lonely

 

[Bct]

I feel you. I'm also lonely too. No best friends. Countless unrequited love. Not close with family. I've been always the odd kid as I could remember. There is no point in a long life if I'm just spending my life in loneliness. It doesn't matter if I'm dying at 26 or 65.