Venting i feel so inhuman

[v0id]

it is exam season in my university and tomorrow, i will be taking 3. for a while, i have been distracted from my real worries and deep loathe for life. the "not planning to make it past 13" is finally catching up to me in full swing, and in the worst time possible.

anyways, i don't feel human for the longest time. i realized that i hated my family because they fit the definition of what's it like to be human. to be normal. for one, my parents and my brother are awfully catholic. they are productive. like normal people, they have hope. they don't obsessively watch over themselves from an observer's point of view, and they are not too aware of their bodies and their thoughts. i fucking hated them and myself because i can't be like them. especially my brother, the one who turned out correct. i hate that i was the one who turned out to be fucked. i don't understand how we came from the same house and yet i was the only one severely damaged. for years, i pretended to be like him. academic. normal. catholic.

this feeling never left, unfortunately, wherever i go. lately i have been distracted because of college and now i feel like shit. i got into the top university in my country because i happen to excel academically, and i have been surrounded by genuinely driven people with bright futures ahead of them. it feels dehumanizing just to walk around the campus knowing i am in the same place as the people who will become the greatest in their fields while i rely on nicotine just to keep myself sane. i don't even know what i want to be. i don't even know what i'm chasing. i am so tired pretending i belong anywhere. i think i am beyond repair. i can't keep going on like this, but i also can't afford to drop out knowing i don't have a safety net like those rich students do and i just can't kill myself. i want a way out.

i need to feel normal. i want to hurt myself like i did before. nicotine is not enough. drugs are out of question. i don't have access to them. i just don't think i can go on while being sober; i am too conscious of my brain. too self-aware and yet i can't help myself. i feel like i did this to myself. i am so sick. i can't even cry anymore so i don't know how to release all of this. i wish i can cry. i don't know why i can't and why i stopped crying. i look sane in real life but i am so SO fucked. i can't speak any of this to anyone.

i just don't think life is for the likes of me.

(also it's ironic because grammarly is correcting my post as i type lol this is driving me insane. i have 92 suggestions now)

 

[SVEN]

When you mention that you "look sane in real life", I believe that you may be amazed at how many of the folk you see and meet daily, who look as sane as you do, are secretly putting on a front and living an act.
I've reached the stage now where I just no longer believe in "normal". Everyone seems to have secret insecurities, doubts and depressive thoughts. At least you've got to the stage where you can be honest here, even if it doesn't seem to help much.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

I'm on a psych ward and every single one of us look 'normal'. No one is. People hide who they really are and how they feel etc, no one will be truthful out of fear of judgement

Every single person has worries.

No ones life is perfect. Not one. And being a Catholic doesn't make you normal either. No one is 'normal'. I think we want to perceived that way, but no one is, trust me.

You'd be surprised at the amount of people on here that are self aware, but can't help themselves. I am one of them. Not everyone can be helped - there is limited help out there - most of it is 'self help' and if you don't want it, it is forced upon you (section).

Try to be kinder to yourself.

Telling yourself no one is perfect, everyone has flaws, is beneficial to you in the long wrong. Remember how deceiving appearances can be. VERY. You said it yourself, you 'look' normal.

We are all different but perhaps you need to find your place in life? It takes time,some don't find it until their 40s, 50s, 60s and that's ok.

I hope your pain eases a little

 

[Neuromancer]

I relate to your title.. feeling "inhumane."
Finished my college recently, one of the best of my state, not the best of the country but still pretty much prestigiated.
Guess that was the only one thing I did right on my life, everything else has been doing bad.

Job market, dating aspect, health, social life.. everything else has been doing bad - and I craved for a better life. I tried to hang out with friends, meet a new girl, try to get a decent job but.. I couldn't achieve nothing. Nothing. Just a mere degree, that's all that I have.

The result? Now I feel "desensitized".
I don't wish for nothing, I don't crave nothing.. there's no dream, hope, interest, light or nothing. Did I became robot?

Now I feel okay to have no one to talk or hangout. I feel ok for a shit job, even if I can do better. Feel okay of doing nothing, except what society expects from me.

Meaningless. That's what my life has become. Hope your life doesn't become just as mine.. I really relate to you.