Venting I feel so disconnected

[itsbigbraintime]

I've been going through depression for years, and while it is terrible, I think the worst part is the decline in my brain function. I can't stay focused on anything anymore, I'm so slow to respond to damn near anything, and I can't handle simple tasks. Even writing this is a challenge, honestly. Hell, it could be slight brain damage from my previous attempts, who knows at this point? Anyone else go through something similar?

 

[Backwoodsqueer]

I feel the same way. Forming thoughts and responses seems to have become much more difficult- even to the extent of impacting daily conversation. My short term memory appears to be slipping as well. People don't think about how much depression and anxiety really effect the brain.

 

[reesespiecesaregood]

Yeah, my memory sucks now and it's hard for me to even have a conversation. Have to really push myself to get the sentences out. I sound normal but still it's hard on the inside. Idk if it's the years of medication or the depression itself, or both combined, but I know I'm not like I used to be.

Tomorrow I have an interview that I reluctantly scheduled. I'm trying to prepare and practice some answers and I can't even get past one question with out getting distracted, losing my train of thought, or having to really think hard about what I'm gonna say next. Ideas and thoughts just don't come naturally to me anymore. It's weird and awful and probably why I'm gonna just skip the whole damn thing. Even if I could have a seamless conversation in an interview, it'd still be ridiculously hard to mask my existential depression from the interviewer...can only bullshit / fake being happy for so long lol

 

[itsbigbraintime]

I feel the same way. Forming thoughts and responses seems to have become much more difficult- even to the extent of impacting daily conversation. My short term memory appears to be slipping as well. People don't think about how much depression and anxiety really effect the brain.

Yeah, short term memory is spot on. It sucks, because the cognitive decline is such a huge part of it all, and it makes everything else that much harder. Like, how am I going to try to get through this when I can't even remember what I did yesterday. Or when I live in an almost constant state of dissociation?

 

[Backwoodsqueer]

Yeah, short term memory is spot on. It sucks, because the cognitive decline is such a huge part of it all, and it makes everything else that much harder. Like, how am I going to try to get through this when I can't even remember what I did yesterday. Or when I live in an almost constant state of dissociation?

Oh god- the disassociation. That's the worst. It's so hard to focus on anything. All of this together is just so much.

 

[itsbigbraintime]

Yeah, my memory sucks now and it's hard for me to even have a conversation. Have to really push myself to get the sentences out. I sound normal but still it's hard on the inside. Idk if it's the years of medication or the depression itself, or both combined, but I know I'm not like I used to be.

Tomorrow I have an interview that I reluctantly scheduled. I'm trying to prepare and practice some answers and I can't even get past one question with out getting distracted, losing my train of thought, or having to really think hard about what I'm gonna say next. Ideas and thoughts just don't come naturally to me anymore. It's weird and awful and probably why I'm gonna just skip the whole damn thing. Even if I could have a seamless conversation in an interview, it'd still be ridiculously hard to mask my existential depression from the interviewer...can only bullshit / fake being happy for so long lol

Yeah, all of it is a challenge honestly. It gets exhausting. I wish you well with the interview if you do end up going, though!

 

[faust]

Sorry, I found one more soul who experiences the same.
It is hard for me to focus. Even when I read threads, I reread a few times because I forget what I have just read.
Do you have something like: your last memory is in one place and you "wake up" in another place realising that a few hours passed?

 

[itsbigbraintime]

Sorry, I found one more soul who experiences the same.
It is hard for me to focus. Even when I read threads, I reread a few times because I forget what I have just read.
Do you have something like: your last memory is in one place and you "wake up" in another place realising that a few hours passed?

Exactly. It's so frustrating....Although I've never had that last part happen before. Is that something that you experience?

 

[elacnt]

I've noticed I started to get a lil bit dumber lately, maybe from all the stress and depression and anxiety. But I feel like I'm loosing some memory of things I used to know well. I'm starting to forget about simple things as I can't concentrate much anymore.

 

[faust]

Exactly. It's so frustrating....Although I've never had that last part happen before. Is that something that you experience?

Yes, the past month. Even today it was a few times.

 

[SuicideBoys93]

I feel severely disconnected. Stuck telling a wife I'm fine every time she asks what's wrong. Every morning I go to work I have to go through a check point and show my ID. I wish I could be like I'm doing terrible, I really just want to die already when they ask how my morning is going lol. The biggest lie we tell in life is I'm fine. Just feel like I'm digging a bigger hole in my head the more I just let this shit rot my entire being. I just want this shit to be over with, but I can bring myself to CTB just yet. I have one corner in my garage with boxes of every thing I'd need to CTB, but that's my second choice. I just ordered my SN today. It's going to take time to gather the other things suggested. I'm sure it'll take more time for me to get the courage to just do it once I have it. Who knows maybe by then I'll completely checked out of life by the time I gather everything, and it'll be easier to just pick a day to get it over with.

 

[mesohappy]

My brain feels like a shriveled up dead raisin.

 

[TheSuicidalEccentric]

I have lost everything. Including my brain function. I'm gone. I was a happy, positive, polite and cheerful young boy, and am now a depressed, violent, stressed, lazy human being. It is like I reincarnated into someone else in the same body. I just want to die it's all over for me

 

[Green Destiny]

I suffered many head injuries when I was growing up. I space out easily and both my long and short term memory is pretty much shot. A joke I have for myself is "I don't remember if I was good at math but now I know for sure i'm not good at math." Plus there's no way I can be self reliant and live on my own. It's just not feasible.

 

[depressoandstresso]

Holy shit, I didn't realize that depression was the cause of these problems (trouble focussing, impaired cognitive ability in general), I just thought I got dumber.

Thanks for making me realizing something today.

 

[Bulldogbitch]

When I'm at my worse, everything slows down. Need to sleep more, but i find i can't go online or reply to texts, it's too much. Talking is hard and even though i think what i want to say, i don't have the energy to actually say it, or see any point in it. I think it's pretty normal with depression

 

[Dark days]

I've been going through depression for years, and while it is terrible, I think the worst part is the decline in my brain function. I can't stay focused on anything anymore, I'm so slow to respond to damn near anything, and I can't handle simple tasks. Even writing this is a challenge, honestly. Hell, it could be slight brain damage from my previous attempts, who knows at this point? Anyone else go through something similar?

I can really relate. This resonates with me. When I've tried to tell people how I'm feeling, in particular to my impaired brain function or damage, poor memory and cognitive problems. As well as finding basis daily tasks extremely difficult, lack of focus and concentration, no motivation and 'slowness' or 'blank nothingness' and all the negative challenges or side effects I experience. People, so-called family and friends, and other professionals including mental health teams, often give a standard responses. Such as: 'its all in your mind, catastophising, reading into things too much or that don't exist. You're making excuses or trying to blame medications, professionals, the world. Stop researching or reading stuff on the internet. You have no evidence or medical training. You're (over) thinking that way because its part of your mental health, your depression and anxiety talking or insomnia. You need to get pro-active and stop being so lazy or talking irrational nonsense. Only you can change your outcomes and destiny. You have to help yourself, no-one or anything can do it for you. Soon you'll be saying you've got dementia or something else. Stop thinking negatively or worst case scenarios...' My experiences are very real and scary evolving prognosis or lack of prospects. Deteriorating over time. Not being taken seriously. Feels like the damage has already been done. I can see the destruction happening while I'm on this 'journey cycle', but feel powerless or unable to do anything to stop it, cope with it or manage it. Like being on a 'runaway train of carnage', entrapment. Is it irreversible or repairable? When the brain continues to not function as it once did and is getting progressively worst. How can you see the positives and continue to live and survive? Mind, body and soul all interconnected. What's left to work with? What's the point or purpose? Becoming more isolated and dysfunctional.

 

[ForensicallyAware]

Because of my inability to concentrate I cannot play my guitar properly.

Which is very annoying.

 

[Dark days]

I feel the same way. Forming thoughts and responses seems to have become much more difficult- even to the extent of impacting daily conversation. My short term memory appears to be slipping as well. People don't think about how much depression and anxiety really effect the brain.

I feel the same way. Some days I'm unable to think or respond, converse or function much at all. Other days I may be able to communicate using various media, but these times are becoming less frequent. My short time and long term memory is impaired.

Yeah, my memory sucks now and it's hard for me to even have a conversation. Have to really push myself to get the sentences out. I sound normal but still it's hard on the inside. Idk if it's the years of medication or the depression itself, or both combined, but I know I'm not like I used to be.

Tomorrow I have an interview that I reluctantly scheduled. I'm trying to prepare and practice some answers and I can't even get past one question with out getting distracted, losing my train of thought, or having to really think hard about what I'm gonna say next. Ideas and thoughts just don't come naturally to me anymore. It's weird and awful and probably why I'm gonna just skip the whole damn thing. Even if I could have a seamless conversation in an interview, it'd still be ridiculously hard to mask my existential depression from the interviewer...can only bullshit / fake being happy for so long lol

On a positive, at least you have managed to get an interview. That's an achievement. I'm not functioning much at all (although today I can write). At times, I can't even string a sentence together or look after basic needs.